Yet another dead anorexic model

**Pandora** · February 22nd, 2007, 09:20 AM

Lani, you have such a good head over your shoulders and you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I've never met anyone with an ED (it must have a cultural factor too, since it's not too common where I live), only a friend who flirted with anorexia; and you're giving readers a great insight on what the disease is about. I once saw a documentary, and I saw how it was painful and what a torture it was for girls to put food in their system. From my understanding, EDs do not have a cure, but your own inner strength can provide you with control over it (as goes with addictions, as you mentioned). When you do regain your health (which you will, because I can see you have a lot of willpower), you seem very fit to clarify and lecture the uninformed about the issue. As for you, there are a lot more people who root for you and admire your worth than you think on this board. Keep fighting and stay strong.

**Sojiita** · February 22nd, 2007, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by Calimoonchild

Wow! Do you want a fuckin cookie?

That comment of yours was just unnesccesarily bitchy. This isn't a pissing contest, you don't win some big shiny prize for being "right" or being sicker than I, which you have no grounds to assume.

I'm considering the source and dismissing your comments.

Well you DO get a big shiny prize. The gold medal for having no ability whatsover to correctly read or gauge a post. Did you not see the emoticons? I mean really..c'mon.

**Lani** · February 22nd, 2007, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by Pandora

Lani, you have such a good head over your shoulders and you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I've never met anyone with an ED (it must have a cultural factor too, since it's not too common where I live), only a friend who flirted with anorexia; and you're giving readers a great insight on what the disease is about. I once saw a documentary, and I saw how it was painful and what a torture it was for girls to put food in their system. From my understanding, EDs do not have a cure, but your own inner strength can provide you with control over it (as goes with addictions, as you mentioned). When you do regain your health (which you will, because I can see you have a lot of willpower), you seem very fit to clarify and lecture the uninformed about the issue. As for you, there are a lot more people who root for you and admire your worth than you think on this board. Keep fighting and stay strong.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was having a really really bad morning and now..well I'm still having a bad morning but I'm finding the strength to pull myself out of it.

I am constantly floored by the wonderfulness of the people on this board.

**Pandora** · February 22nd, 2007, 09:20 PM

^ No need to thank, honey. It's all about you up there. Be proud of yourself instead.

**Lani** · February 22nd, 2007, 10:05 PM

I'm learning to, just spent an hour trying my heart out to come up with 2 compliments for myself in therapy. Hard work when it shouldnt be.

**A*O** · February 23rd, 2007, 12:59 AM

Well I can think of two compliments: You are clearly an intelligent, erudite woman who isn't afraid to be honest about your eating disorder with a bunch of total strangers. OK, that's 3 compliments.

**Pandora** · February 23rd, 2007, 09:16 AM

A*O said it, Lani. I'll emphasize again that you're a brave, strong woman, a fighter, and a beautiful person.

Never let the little red guy in your conscience tell you that you have no qualities, when you have so many that we, who don't even know you in person, can clearly see. Makes me sure you have an infinite list of good things about yourself, so please don't put yourself down because no one has a plausible reason to do that... not even yourself.

**luv2bthin** · February 23rd, 2007, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by MoodyJenny86

I'd like to first point out that I'm not flaming this statement...

I just would like to give my input...

Now, being in the modeling business is obviously very brutal at times. You are in a world where you practically have to be flawless in every way. You have to be skinny and tall with long legs and a long neck. You have to be able to emulate or set the bar for perfection and beauty...I mean that's a lot of pressure...(especially for an 18 year old...)

My point is...no one chooses to develop anorexia or any other eating disorder...(in psychological terms...like I'm talking about the ACTUAL illness...not just some girl not eating for a few days and claiming she's anorexic...)

Something usually triggers the ED to develop. Personally I've struggled with anorexia and I most certainly did not choose to starve myself...like I didn't just wake up one morning and go, 'Gee, I think I'll be anorexic today...' it started off as a diet and just happened out of nowhere one summer, literally. Neither I nor my friends and family even realized what was going on until it was too late. I mean at the time I didn't even realize I had anorexia...I thought everything was as is only I had control over something. Like I just didn't process at the time or put two and two together that me not eating and fearing food= anorexia. I had no idea. I just feared food and hated it. I didn't know why, I guess I was just so deeply in denial that I couldn't see anything clearly, everything about that time is still kind of fuzzy, but it was like I was seeing life through some kind of gauzy veil...it's a very scary, lonely and dark experience...at least in my case it was...

I mean, you can intentionally starve yourself solely to loose weight and not have 'anorexic tendencies' which would just basically be a crash diet or something. But anorexia is a psychological illness that kills, which is obviously proven once again in this poor girl's case...

I mean when I struggled with my ED it wasn't even about loosing weight, (at first it was- before the ED...I just wanted to lose a few before school started...) but after the ED set in, it become all about control and trying to obtain some kind of purity.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm kind of rambling now but the thing is is that this girl obviously needed some kind of intervention and unfortunately she didn't get it. Probably having a lot to do with the profession she was in, since models are expected to be so thin I guess nobody felt the need to step in...either that or they were just deeply in denial...(which was the case with my family when I was sick...)

I mean I didn't ask to develop an ED...I didn't choose it...it just happened...

Sorry for the ramble, I just feel rather strongly about issues like this...

you bring up very good points about this.

**Lani** · February 25th, 2007, 02:26 AM

to thoes who are just wonderful (Pandora, A*O, Juicey...) incase you havent seen it)

A thank you note from me

**olivia720** · February 25th, 2007, 04:30 AM

Originally Posted by Lani

My parents have been great. THey dont understand it, but when they d get frustrated at how long my recovery takes its out of love. They dont get why I loathe myself so much. They dont get that I think I'm uglyand unworthy. They just want me to be happy. I know that when I hurt myself I hurt them and thats why they want to do the tough love approach. But with an ED tough Love just doesnt work.

I'm thinking I want to talk in schools when I'm 'recovered'. Hell I want to talk in schools now. Girls totally need an eye opener.

I can relate in the way that when I was profoundly depressed, I felt lower than a worm. I thought everyone else around me was better. It was irrational. Luckily, I got on the right meds to bring me out of it. I've never had ED, (im bipolar) but I can relate to the whole lack of self esteem BIG TIME.

In a way I had it easier cause people could just say, "oh its her bipolar". But with you, people might say, "just eat and be done with it!!" which of course is exceedingly simplistic.

**olivia720** · February 25th, 2007, 04:34 AM

Originally Posted by Egolita

the worst thing is reading on the internet about stars who are not super skinny and people call them fat. like mariah carey for instance, im not as thin as her at her heaviest so i feel like a total cow and wont leave the house. except to work. and when i work i think everyone is staring at me.

im glad im not in hollywood is all i gotta say. oy! lol.

Im really sorry to hear you shy away from leaving the house. Im sure you look perfectly fine.

I wanna be thinner, too, but I lost 24 lbs so Im happy with that progress.

I don't bag on celebs who are curvy or whatever. Some ppl do, but I def don't do that. Of course it makes me feel good when they gain weight! (evil grin)

I also wanted to say that the "internets" are full of a-holes who will bag on the most beautiful women all day long. don't go by what they say. Post a pic of any gorgeous celeb and there will always be people to rip her to SHREDS. There are always going to be ppl like that.

**Lani** · February 25th, 2007, 04:38 AM

Originally Posted by olivia720

I can relate in the way that when I was profoundly depressed, I felt lower than a worm. I thought everyone else around me was better. It was irrational. Luckily, I got on the right meds to bring me out of it. I've never had ED, (im bipolar) but I can relate to the whole lack of self esteem BIG TIME.

In a way I had it easier cause people could just say, "oh its her bipolar". But with you, people might say, "just eat and be done with it!!" which of course is exceedingly simplistic.

Yeah people tend to believe that simply by my having eaten a ssandwhich i'll be better. When in reality it has nothing to do with weight or food, but so so so so many other things. Like I said to someone else, its basically a long slow suicide attempt.