Do I want to be a Skinny B***h? Fat chance
When that poster girl for the wafer-thin, Victoria Beckham, was seen reading a book called Skinny Bitch this week (no, it's not her autobiography), the unconventional U.S. diet book - by ex-Ford model Kim Barnouin and ex-model booker Rory Freedman - flew off the shelves.
It promises to give you the lowdown on getting skinny, and as one locked in a lifelong battle with my weight, I was intrigued to see if this book really held the key to turning one chubby charmer (me) into a so-called skinny bitch. Scroll down for more
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If the cover photo is anything to go by, two girls with their shiny, all-American good looks and skinny bods, I don't think either of them has ever fought much of a battle with the bulge.
Clearly they've looked down from their lofty perch and taken pity on us poor junk food-addicted fatties, to enlighten us with their Skinny Bitch wisdom.
But what seems to sail over their skinny little heads is that there's a world of difference between maintaining a superslim body, and carving one from within an obdurately fat frame.
- These girls probably spent their 20s splitting their time between photo shoots and sipping skinny soy lattes in chi chi California cafes. The closest they've come to a size 16 is wafting past the plus-size rail of their local department store, so what gives them the right to lecture those of us less blessed in the waistline department?
The premise of the book is to tell it like it is, rather than sugar-coating the stark truth - that if only we ignorant grease munchers would educate ourselves about the food we put in our bodies, we would be so grossed out by it, it would be a pleasure to live off organic beans, pulses and tofu.
But what qualifies these two Californian air-heads to provide this education? Freedman proudly trumpets that she's a "self-taught know-it-all", while Barnouin has a degree in holistic nutrition, whatever the hell that is. Not exactly experts in the field of weight loss.
This is perhaps how they came to their laughably simplistic theory, that the secret of weight loss is just to eat healthy food. Oh if it were that easy, we'd all be size eight and they'd never have been published, killing two birds - and I don't mean them - with one stone.
The book spouts an extensive list of no-nos that you must avoid in order to become a "skinny bitch", including all the tired old suspects: booze; sugar; sweeteners; fat; caffeine; dairy; and refined carbs.
In a nutshell, everything that makes our short, brutish lives that bit more bearable.
But what would they know about making life more bearable. Not for them the drudgery of a rain-soaked school run, only brightened by the prospect of eating the kids' leftovers.
They have all the time in the world to scour boutique organic stores for hard-to-find meat, dairy, egg, chemical and taste-free (OK that last one was me) healthy food, but most of us are lucky to find the time to dash to Sainsbury's.
These pampered LA princesses work hard to make us feel guilty for trying to make our lives a bit easier, making a trip to the supermarket sound more hazardous than a tour of duty in Iraq. They sanctimoniously lecture us on the cancercausing chemicals in wine, and the nasties lurking in diet sodas.
But where they really have an axe to grind is with meat eaters. This is when the real agenda of the book is revealed and it moves effortlessly from being potty-mouthed advice on how to adopt a fat-busting healthy diet, into a diatribe against eating meat.
It appears that scientists and archaeologists have been deluding themselves with the idea that all those charred animal bones that have been dug up around human dwellings since we lived in caves actually mean we are meant to eat meat.
Oh no, Ms MA in holistic nutrition knows better. According to her cod science, our blunt teeth and alkaline saliva point to our vegetarian origins.
The skinny bitches then launch into a scathing attack on meat eaters, calling anyone who thinks they can lose weight while eating meat a "moron", and dismissing the protein-laden Atkins Diet as "the dead, rotting, decomposing flesh diet".
Please girls, don't insult my intelligence. Just because you choose a certain lifestyle doesn't mean you've discovered the secret of simple weight loss.
There are so many reasons we get fat - depression, pregnancy, genetics - not just because we eat meat. I bet I could still pack on the pounds on a vegan diet if I really put my mind to it.
This isn't so much a diet book as a propaganda pamphlet for veganism, which is promoted with all the zeal of a convert.
Since the super-slim authors think they know all about the allure of junk food, they are kind enough to point us to a whole host of healthy alternatives. How could I stop my mouth watering at right-on recipe suggestions, such as taking a slice of tofu, soy butter, salt, pepper and ketchup, and hey presto you have yourself a perfect "fried egg" to stick between two slices of sprouted grain bread.
Who do they think they are kidding? I will take my life in my hands and stick to the real thing, laced as it may be with "antibiotics, pesticides, and steroids". Skinny Bitch is just the same-old diet rules repackaged in an obnoxious and bullying tone. It's not exactly rocket science to work out that if you want to lose weight, you have to junk the junk food.
But they're the morons if they believe that by giving up meat you will morph into a skinny bitch like them.
If the choice is between swopping a balanced diet of food stuffs I can get at my local supermarket, for a faddish, fanatical diet cult favoured by the queen skinny bitch, Victoria Beckham, I'd rather be a fat pig. •Skinny Bitch is published by Running Press, priced £7.99.
Do I want to be a Skinny B***h? Fat chance | the Daily Mail