The poetry of Glenn Beck

[Fluffy]

The poetry of Glenn Beck

Every day the Fox News pundit feels the pain and suffering of average Americans. Now it's time to experience his free verse.

By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer

Editor's note: The following poems are transcribed verbatim from Beck's broadcasts.

Mar. 31, 2009 |

MEATBALLS AT THE FURNITURE STORE

Somebody said let's make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store
And somebody else said, that's a stupid idea; nobody's going to want meatballs at the furniture store.
And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line.
And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs
And he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store?
And they're like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever.
Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman
A little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it
And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I'm not really sure
But ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs
And he has to put them on a huge plate
Because he has to get rid of them.
Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say
That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs
Now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends,
Buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around
And you'll have an hour worth of eating meatballs
And that's what happened.

("The Glenn Beck Program," Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 21, 2007)

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TIME TO BELIEVE

It's time to stop playing
Games in this country.
It is time to actually believe
In something. I do.
I know you do as well.
Believe in something.
Even if it's wrong.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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DISGRUNTLED

As they were describing him, what they said was,
Here is a guy who felt that he had been wronged.
He didn't feel comfortable talking to anybody.
He was disgruntled and everything else.
And then he went out and shot a bunch of people.

As they were describing him, and they said,
You got to go, now more than ever,
You got to start talking to people,
You have to start connecting with people
Because, they're going in hard times, yada, yada, yada.

As I'm listening to the description,
First of all, this guy is a psycho, clearly, he's a psycho.
But as I'm listening to him, I'm thinking
About the American people that feel disenfranchised
Right now, that feel like nobody's hearing their voice.

The government isn't hearing their voice; even if you call,
They don't listen to you on both sides; if you're a conservative,
You are called a racist; you want to starve children,
Yada, yada, yada, they're, and every time they do speak out,
They are shut down by political correctness.

How do you not have those people turn into that guy?

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 12, 2009)

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WRONG WITH US

Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was -- he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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FRIDAY'S SHOW

We've got time to write tickets, we've got time to write tickets,
Have the police officers write tickets, you know why; because

That way, the city has money that they can bribe people
To vote for them; they don't want to enforce these laws

Because they want more votes; you know it happens every time;
They're doing it to the border patrol, they're doing it to the cops,

They're doing it to our soldiers, every single time we have somebody
Wear our uniform with our name and put them in harm's way,

We don't support them; why, because of some stupid politician;
I've had enough. I have had enough. Michael, thank you very much.

We'll talk to you on this; please follow this story for us;
We'll talk to you again; you know, this is why we're doing the show on Friday.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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Tomorrow: More of Glenn Beck's greatest poems, including "Chocolate Milk" and "Bat Snot."

-- By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer

Glenn Beck poetry | Salon

[msdeb]

i cannot stand Glenn Beck

[McJag]

Ummm-well-ummm...

[darksithbunny]

WTF? Is this a crackhead???

[Grimmlok]

rippled doughboy speaks
silence falls, leaf on water
uncaring world smiles

[nana55]

In San Diego we have no progressive radio stations on AM anymore. My FM doesn't work so I switch from Glenn to Dennis Miller and other various assholes. Glenn is the funniest though because he is CRAZY. I sometimes wonder how he even got a show!

[chattykathy]

Glenn got a show because he is off the wall and non partisian. He's funny, but his poetry isn't.

[Grimmlok]

^^ he's a right wing nutjob that moved to FOX because he was too retarded even for CNN.

He's basically a TV rush limbaugh. Tall on bluster, short on fact.

[MohandasKGanja]

Glenn Beck drives me nuts. Another idiot who has no area of expertise, advising people about political events.

His latest shtick is to be apocalyptic about nearly every national or world development. He probably thinks McDonald's Shamrock shake is some kind of plot by Earthfirst to turn our children into environmental zealots.

[nana55]

Glenn got a show because he is off the wall and non partisian. He's funny, but his poetry isn't.

NON PARTISIAN!! WTF, do you even listen to him? He may not be Republican he's even worse, he super far right conservative. He is, in his own little way, trying to get people to overthrow the Obama administration. My brother-in-law who used to love him, read his books etc., thinks he's turned into a nut job.

[KrisNine]

^^ he's a right wing nutjob that moved to FOX because he was too retarded even for CNN.

He's basically a TV rush limbaugh. Tall on bluster, short on fact.

i just think he's a pure nutjob!! Stewart and Colbert have been ripping into him. Showing him freaking out and crying, what a crack pot.

[Fluffy]

Another issue of poems. Y'all know you want more!

The poetry of Glenn Beck, Vol. 2

The new Fox News star beams in on breast cancer and the Constitution, God and Bill O'Reilly.
By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer
Editor's note: The following poems are transcribed verbatim from Beck's broadcasts.

Apr. 01, 2009 |
CHOCOLATE MILK

So anyway, I'm on the plane
And they start in on breast cancer
And they say, you know, if you buy a certain drink,
You know, the proceeds go for breast cancer,
And originally I thought, that's kind of cool.

And then they made the announcement
A second time and I'm like, okay, you know,
What am I flying Activist Airlines now?
Like, I get it.

Then the third time really became
The unfriendly skies for me
Because they started lecturing us
On how we hadn't given enough
And they said, you know, we've really not sold a lot of these,

And I don't remember what it was.
I don't remember what it was.
I was going to say it was like chocolate milk
But that would probably be bad to sell for breast cancer.

So it wasn't definitely milk
But it was something that I didn't want to drink,
And I don't remember what it was but I thought, well, I don't want that
And, you know, and the stewardess said, we do this all the time now
Because our airline cares about breast cancer

And we have really not raised very much money this flight
And we know you guys care about breast cancer,
Bah, blah, blah,
And I wanted to say,

I care about you pulling into the terminal on time
And delivering my luggage all intact.
I care about breast cancer as well
But that's not really your primary job and
Please don't lecture me on giving until it hurts.

For the love of Pete.
Because all I kept thinking is, they don't really care.
Do you really think this giant corporate monolith cares?
They don't care.

Now, maybe some of the individuals do,
But as a corporation they care?
They're doing it for good PR.
They want to be the airline that cares.
Am I being too harsh?

Notice nobody's --
Wow, nobody wants to go
On record with me, huh?
I'm standing all alone.

("The Glenn Beck Program," Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 27, 2007)

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BAT SNOT

You always get hassled; people always go,
O, Bill O'Reilly, he is just a hatchet man
For the Bush administration. The deal is,
I've watched your show enough to know
You hammer the bat snot out of both sides.

Bat snot.

("The O'Reilly Factor," Fox News, March 6, 2009)

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IMAGINE

Let's say you are in Saudi Arabia
Where nobody's ever heard of the Trinity.
You're a Catholic. Nobody's ever heard of
The Trinity. What, the Trinity?

What, it's three in one,
They're everywhere and nowhere.
Jesus is on the cross
But he's really God.

So God has died but
Yet he didn't die
And how does this --
Imagine you've never heard this before.

So you've never heard
Any kind of explanation.
So it works.
You know what I mean?

("The Glenn Beck Program," Premiere Radio Networks, Dec. 7, 2007)

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THE BORDER

You stand up for the border,
You're a racist.
Are you really a racist?
I'm not a racist.

("The Glenn Beck Program,"Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 27, 2007)

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CHALLENGE

I challenge anyone, Republican or Democrat,
To point to the word "charity" in our Constitution;
The government, I've never felt charitable,
Never felt charitable on April 15th, have you?

But I have when I have written out a check
Myself and sent it in to the fire department
Or sent it in to Jon's hospital, or sent it in to my church,
I do feel charitable then; it's about changing people's hearts.

And I got to tell you, tax day makes my heart
All black and bigger; maybe it's just me.
Check out all the nine principles
And the 12 values at GlennBeck.com.

Now, should we legalize marijuana?

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 2, 2009)

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Tomorrow : More of Glenn Beck's best verse, including "Forgotten Man" and "To a Lover."

-- By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer

Glenn Beck poetry | Salon

[Grimmlok]

this isn't even poetry.

[Valley Doll]

his poetry proves
that Beck is crazier than
an old shithouse rat

[kingcap72]

First of all, this guy is a psycho, clearly, he's a psycho.

Beck describing himself perfectly in his own words.