Many who understand the situation in rural Alaska (in terms of mismanaged fisheries creating communities with no viable income, and people who are forced to choose between food or fuel for their children and elders), were, frankly, a bit stunned when we read the email that came out yesterday from SarahPAC, Sarah Palin’s political action committee. It not only informed us that she would soon be out traveling the length and breadth of the land, promoting conservative values, but also this:

"Recently, Governor Palin was joined by Franklin Graham as she traveled to Western Alaska. Together, Governor Palin and Mr. Graham toured the region and met with residents of the area. Many of these Alaskans have recently received additional assistance through a partnership between many state agencies and several faith-based, non-profit groups, such as Mr. Graham’s Samaritan’s Purse.

As you can see, Governor Palin is working each day in Alaska. Her bold actions have helped thousands across the state and is the example of strong, conservative leadership needed throughout the country."

You may have been thinking to yourself, “But thousands of dollars and thousands of pounds of food had already been disbursed to villages in need before Sarah Palin even made a statement about it. And then, she only traveled to two villages for half a day total, toting a plate of cookies and a couple evangelicals… And in that short time she managed to seriously tick off the very village elder that brought the whole thing to national attention! And, come to think of it, why didn’t she mention any of the many non-religious organizations and people who stepped forward to help? And isn’t there something inherently wrong with giving people food boxes that contain both a letter on official state letterhead and a proselytizing leaflet from a religious organization?”

You’ve come up with some pretty good questions, there.

In addition, I found it pretty astounding that Palin claims to have “toured the region” of Western Alaska in just a few hours….and then it hit me. It hit me like a bolt from the blue. Suddenly the entire diabolical plot became clear in a flash. She doesn’t want to be the President after all. Her sites are set on greater glory.

OK, bear with me here. Put down your coffee, and silence your cell phones. Get your tinfoil hats, and make sure they are securely fastened, because we’re going for a ride.

If she can now tour the entire region of Western Alaska (keeping in mind that the Yukon Kuskokwim Delta itself is larger than the state of Oregon) in just one afternoon, then it’s not much of a stretch to think that making an entire global circuit in 24 hours may be her ultimate goal. I mean President of the United States is OK and all, but there’s got to be something better…something more suited to her sense of self-importance….something REALLY big. That’s right. She’s not looking to unseat Obama. She’s looking to unseat Santa. Think about it. “Sarah Claus” means worldwide media, adulation from every nation, other people doing the work all year, and a way to wear those shiny leather boots without ridicule. It’s perfect.

And not only does Mr. Claus have to fear, Santa’s little helpers ought to be on their guard as well. Who needs those damn elves when you’ve got a team of Evangelicals to help you deliver the goodies. Franklin, and Prevo may be just the beginning of the parade of evangelical elves. (Elvangelicals?) Dobson is a pretty good elf name also…..

So, indulge me and picture this. It’s dark, and cold. A gentle snow is falling in the crisp night air; those impossibly big flakes that get stuck in your eyelashes. It’s Christmas Eve in North Pole, Alaska. Yes, there is really a North Pole Alaska, and it’s reeeeally conservative. (raises eyebrow) Sarah Claus is getting ready for the big night. She’s putting the finishing touches on her makeup, and zips into her tall shiny black boots. Next is the red leather jacket. She’s not an elected official anymore so no worries about where it came from. She checks her hair after having decided on the up-do which will be more manageable in the wind. Then the cute little furry hat and the big mittens. She steps out into the night to board the sleigh. Oops! Forgot the cookies. In a complete North Pole coup d’etat, traditional cookie baker Mrs. Claus has also been ousted. Back in the sleigh, rifle by her side, she calls to the wolves who will pull the sleigh.

She chuckles to herself, remembering how she dismissed the reindeer. They might have old allegiances…and besides, they welcomed that other reindeer…the “different” one with the flashy nose. She shudders as she imagines what might happen if all reindeer made this lifestyle choice. It simply cannot be condoned. Wolves will work much better. She makes sure to have a rifle by her side to remind the sleigh-pullers who’s boss, and who put a bounty on their cousins in the form of payment for each wolf foreleg turned in. As a good conservative, she has learned that fear is a good motivator. She cries out, “On Limpy and Gimpy, and Dasher and Dodger, on Hobbler and Wobbler, on Hearth Rug and Couch Throw!”


Enjoying their unprecedented invitation to the big event, FOX News, CNN and all the other major networks are standing by to film the event, and Sarah Claus glides off into the night, ready to “tour the region” of the world, spreading those conservative principles, and presents loaded with religious pamphlets. She turns back to the crowd waving and smiling. “Enjoy the food you guys!” she calls excitedly, indicating a table of light fare being laid out by the Elfangelicals scurrying around with little bells on their hats, and turned up shoes. You feel a hand on your elbow. It’s Elf Dobson, splendid in his green regalia. He holds out a tray. “Reindeer sausage pizza?”

So….is this just the paranoid rambling of an anonymous blogger? Or is this plot so crazy, it just…might….work…
The Mudflats » Sarah Palin’s REAL Ambition for 2012. (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)