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Thread: Let's give the right-wingers the biblical marriage they want so badly

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    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    Talking Let's give the right-wingers the biblical marriage they want so badly

    Markos passes along a comment about what the law would say if we had traditional Biblical marriages like the Mormons and their buddies on the far-right are demanding:


    A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

    B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

    C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

    D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

    E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

    F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

    G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)



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    Very funny. I always love to argue with the religious by using their own bible against them. Anyone remember Homer Simpson's letter to Dr Laura Schlessinger?

    Dear Dr Laura,
    Thank you doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tried to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.

    I do need some advise from you, however, regarding some of the other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring countries. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why cant I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrafice, I know it creates a pleasing odor to the Lord - Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Shall I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or shall I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I dont agree. Can you settle this? Are there lesser degrees of abomination?

    7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How shoulf they die?

    9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting 2 different crops in the same field, as his wife does ny wearing garments from 2 kinds of thread (cotton/polyester). They also blaspheme a lot. Is it really neccessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Leviticus 24:10-16)? Couldnt we just burn them to death as a private family affair as we do those who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?

    I know that you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident that you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your friend,
    Homer Simpson

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    Elite Member lurkur's Avatar
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    At least we can laugh.......

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    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
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    That's brilliant. I love the Simpsons!

    I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24).


    Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

    My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting 2 different crops in the same field, as his wife does by wearing garments from 2 kinds of thread

    In NYC- and other modern places, in the year 2008 there are people who follow these three laws. And who live modern lives. It's weird that the modern and archaic can exist side by side.

    There was a book out last year, the title escapes me. But it was like Living Biblically, and the author tried to follow all the arcane rules. I mean to read it at some point.



    All of God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.


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    Oh yes, the prostletizing Lubavitchers obey all those comandments, as well as the one to go forth and be fruitful. WitchCurl, have you ever seen the Mitzvah Mobile in NYC? They also had a billboard right by the Intrepid with a giant picture of the deceased Rebbe Menachem Mendl Schneerson, whom they are convinced is the messiah, or as they say Moschiach, and that if we all just pray to the Rebbe, he will return and save the world.

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    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
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    ^^ Of course....I work in the garment district. We have a permanent Mitzvah Mobile stationed on Broadway My grandparents lived in Brooklyn, near another Hasidic sect, so I grew up well versed in Hasidic lore. I was even the Shabbos goy on occasion. My stepmom is Jewish but sooooo reformed as to be like no religion, and we laugh about how I know more about Judaism than she does

    It's funny, because I grew up always knowing all different religions, and they all have the strange touches, but it becomes something you don't even think about.

    When I was a teen and worked in retail we learned how never to give change to a Hasidic man in his hand. It had to go on the counter because of the no contact thing.



    All of God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.


    If I wanted the government in my womb I'd fuck a Senator

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scooter View Post
    Anyone remember Homer Simpson's letter to Dr Laura Schlessinger?
    I've seen that letter floating around before though addressed in various ways and in differing order. I didn't know they used it on the Simpsons though. Wonder where it started?
    "But I am very poorly today & very stupid & I hate everybody & everything." -- Charles Darwin

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    Friend of Gossip Rocks! buttmunch's Avatar
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    F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

    I don't care what this says, no one is getting near my Jimmy Choo's.

    OH, and this thread is making me laugh and laugh and laugh. I'm stealing some of it.
    'Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither.' Ben Franklin

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