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Thread: A letter to the Red States

  1. #1
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    Default A letter to the Red States

    I saw this on one of my horse-y sites and thought it was hysterical. The numbers are all accurate.

    "Dear Red States:

    If you manage to steal this election too, we've decided that we are leaving. We intend to form our own country; and we're taking all the other Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and ALL of the Northeast. We believe that this split will be beneficial to the Nation, expecially to the people of the new Nation of Nuevo California.

    To sum up briefly:

    You get Texas, Oklahoma and all of the slave States.
    We get Stem Cell Research and all the best beaches.

    We get the Statue of Liberty.
    You get Dollywood.

    We get Intel and Microsoft.
    You get WorldCom.

    We get Harvard.
    You get Ole' Miss.

    We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
    You get Alabama.

    We get 2/3 of the tax revenue.
    You get to make the Red States pull their weight.

    Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families.
    You get a bunch of single moms.

    Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war. As such, we are going to require all of our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids that they are apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they dont care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we are not willing to spend our resourses in Bush's Quagmire.

    With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the US's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the US's fresh fruit, 95% of the US's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of all high tech industry,95% of all corn and soybeans (thanks, Iowa!), most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sisters schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. We also get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

    With the Red States on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected healthcare costs, 92% of all US mosquitos, nearly 100% of all the tornados, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptisits, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and U of Georgia.

    Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe that life is sacred, unless we are discussing the war, the death penalty or guns, 44% say evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe that you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

    Please be advised that both Bush 43 and his VP have been denied on their applications for a visa to travel within Neuvo California. They might also want to stay away from The Hague. They've gotten so touchy about war crimes these days.

    Finally, we are taking all of the good pot. You can have that seedy dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

    Peace Out,
    The Blue States"

  2. #2
    Elite Member cmmdee's Avatar
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    Hahaha:

    We get the Statue of Liberty.
    You get Dollywood
    .

  3. #3
    Elite Member qwerty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scooter View Post

    Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe that life is sacred, unless we are discussing the war, the death penalty or guns, 44% say evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe that you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
    These stats are disturbing. I wish these people would realize that Jesus was not a republican nor would he ever endorse a republican ticket.

  4. #4
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    If the Blue States seceeded from the Union, the Red States would become a third world country in a very short time. The Blue States fund the "evil" Government that subsidizes their crops and pays for recovery after hurricanes and tornadoes.

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    Indeed. I have begun to think that Lincoln did not do us any favors by not allowing them to secede from the Union in 1861. We would have been better off.

  6. #6
    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    How lovely and divisive!

    Texas produces how much wind energy? How much other energy? Get to work on those alternative resources.

    This is fucked up; we're now going to start bashing other states as a whole because of what the electoral college is going to do?
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

  7. #7
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    This isn't a fair exchange. You would lose me. That's right, I'm that important! I live in Alabama and I just KNOW that I bring amazing value to my state. So Alabama needs to stay, unless someone is willing to let me bunk with them in one of the blue states for a while! And BTW, I snore, don't iron clothes, and like to hog the TV!

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