thursday (early) : i don't know that vile man. and i certainly never had sex with him.

thursday (late) : i never met him, but i'll step down from my job temporarily to keep the distractions at bay.

friday (early) : i may have talked with that man.

friday (late) : i bought meth from him, but i never used it and threw it away. i certainly never had sex with the pervert. please forgive him.

saturday (early) : i called him for a massage, but that's all.

saturday (late) : he gave me a massage, but that's all. and the drugs, which i didn't take.

sunday (early) : i have been sexually immoral, and have been struggling against it all my life. forgive the prostitute who made this all public.

sunday (late) : i was gang-banged by the air force academy last sunday after services... but i may not have liked it.

monday (early) : i was molested as a child by an assemblies of god youth minister. the prostitute who forced drugs on me made me listen to the dixie chicks.

monday (late, and with jim mcgreevey and mel white) : i am a proud gay american. i'll have a memoir out in six weeks.