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Thread: I Re-Watched Titanic So You Donít Have To. Youíre Welcome.

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    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
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    Default I Re-Watched Titanic So You Donít Have To. Youíre Welcome.





    I Re-Watched Titanic So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.

    I don't remember a lot of specifics about watching Titanic in theaters in 1997, but I was 15 years old, which means my two biggest concerns were 1) locating romance, and 2) not dying in a nautical catastrophe. So I think we can safely assume that I fucking loved that movie. I watched Titanic again on TV with my sister a few years later, making sure to switch it off right before that whole stressful iceberg thingy—a strategy that turns the movie into a pleasant romp about two teenagers who take a perfectly safe boat ride and then bang in a jalopy. The end. Charming! Watching Titanic for a third time this weekend—in advance of Wednesday's big 3D reopening—I cannot imagine what I was thinking that second time around. I could not wait to get to the second half and watch all these motherfuckers drown.

    Here's the thing about Titanic, and the reason 15-year-old girls love it so much: James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl. All of the characters are either 15-year-old girls in disguise ("Parents just don't understand!" "Waaah, make the boat go faster!" "I know we literally met 20 minutes ago, but I love you with a suicidal fervor!"), or the kind of goofy caricatures that 15-year-old girls would write if we let 15-year-old girls write our blockbuster screenplays. It's She's All That on a Boat, only with Kate Winslet as Freddie Prinze Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio as that girl who isn't famous anymore, and also everyone freezes to death in the north Atlantic at the end.

    Titanic is three hours and 14 minutes long, which—fun fact—is longer than the actual journey of the Titanic. It is sooooo ballsy to just assume people will watch your movie for three hours and 14 minutes! Especially when everyone already knows exactly what happens in the end (spoiler: the boat is Keyser SŲze). Sorry, Epcot Center, I'mma let you finish, but James Cameron's balls are like the giantest balls of all time. It would take three hours and 14 minutes just to walk around the circumference of James Cameron's balls.

    Anyway, here's what happens in Titanic. In case you forgot, it is terrible:
    It starts out on a modern-times submarine. Bill Paxton is snooping around on the ocean floor trying to find a big necklace to impress Britney Spears. His character is clearly James Cameron's idea of what a cool person is like—he does stuff like wear male earrings and say "sayonara" in a sarcastic voice. Awww, yeeeeah. Pretty cool. Bill Paxton finds this old safe in the ocean, expecting it to be full of Titanic jewelz, but instead it's just an old doodle of some boobs. Total rip-off! ...OR IS IT?

    An old lady recognizes her boob-doodle on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on his rock and roll treasure boat, where they make her watch a graphic CGI reenactment of the Titanic sinking (I believe the working title is Hey Granny, Fuck Your PTSD). Then she tells her story. Which is hella not pertinent to treasure-hunting, unless by "treasure" you mean "three hours of nonsense, garbage, terror, death, and delightful Italian stereotypes."

    Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet, and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn't too happy about it! "It was the ship of dreams to everyone else," she says. "To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains." Yes. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined bon-bon palace for-literally-ever. (Also, it's 1911 right now, which means that real slavery has only been over for like…40 years? Maybe a little too soon for the flippant slavery metaphors?) She continues: "I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it, an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts, and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared, or even noticed." Nobody notices me! Everyone is so fake! My polo pony is the wrong color! As you can see, Kate Winslet's life is just like slavery. She decides to just kill herself immediately so she doesn't have to face another terrible, terrible cotillion.

    Luckily, along comes Leonardo "I Am Definitely Wearing Lipstick" DiCaprio, who is traveling to America with his friends Fabrizio (Human Olive Garden Commercial) and Tommy (five leprechauns standing on each other's shoulders wearing a long coat). Leonardo DiCaprio rescues her from suicide and she repays him by letting her entire family treat him like human feces for the last few days of his life. Then they fall in love.

    Leonardo shows up at fancy dinner even though he is a stinky poor and Kate Winslet's mom hates him: "My mother looked at him like an insect—a dangerous insect that must be squished quickly." After dinner, Leonardo says, "Time for me to go row with the other slaves!" Again with the slave thing. YOU GUYS ARE HELLA NOT SLAVES. PLEASE READ A BOOK.

    In an act of defiance, Kate Winslet sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And look who's down there dancing a jig! "Aaaaaaaay! It's-a me, Fabrizio!" Fabrizio treats everybody to all-you-can-eat breadsticks and then invents the mafia. Can someone tell me why this movie wasn't entirely about Fabrizio? At the very least could I get a fan edit called Titanic 2: Fabrizio's Quest? (It is a quest for lasagna.) Get on it, somebody.

    Okay. Next there's a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't involve Fabrizio at ALL, so w-evs. It's the Celine Dion part ("I'm flying!"), the boob-sketching part, and the aforementioned jalopy-banging part. All of it is incredibly awkward and boring. Then Theoden, King of Rohan, drives the boat into this big iceberg ("Are you calling me fat, James Cameron?" – the iceberg) and the ocean starts coming inside the boat ("Heyyyy, ocean!" – poor people).

    Bill Paxton interrupts the old lady's interminable story and is like, "BOAT SCIENCE. EXPOSITION. BOAT SCIENCE" for a while. Nobody cares. Onward!
    Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio run around the boat in circles for a long time holding hands. I think we're supposed to admire Kate Winslet for having terrific moxie or something, but really all she does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leonardo DiCaprio tells her to do. (Sometimes he tells her things like this: "You're so stupid! Why did you do that? You're so stupid, Rose!!!" and "SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.") Feminism!

    Fabrizio shows up (FINALLY) to tell them that they're fucked because all the lifeboats are gone: "The boats-a! They're all-a gone!" "Where's your life jacket, Fabrizio?" Leonardo asks. "Ees-a okay!" says Fabrizio, "I've-a got this-a beeg ravioli! Abbondanza!" Then he drowns (oops).

    Fortunately for Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio turns out to be the world's #1 expert in surviving ocean liner disasters—offering genius advice like, "We have to stay on the ship as long as possible! Come on!" Eventually, though, they end up in the ocean, where Kate Winslet sits on a board and cries. Leonardo makes one attempt to get on the board with her, but falls off, so he decides to just die instead. Kate Winslet is sad. Then she gets rescued by Mister Fantastic from the Fantastic Four movie.

    Finally, even though she knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he hella patiently listened to her stupid story (it's like she writes erotic fan fiction about herself), that old lady just goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First of all, you're a dick. Second of all, that necklace belongs in a museum. Third of all, you're a dick! I wish Bill Paxton would drop YOU into the ocean at the end. Then, to wrap things up, there's a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio walk down the Titanic's grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason. You know who are the only people that think the world owes them a round of applause? Fifteen-year-old girls and billionaire directors who own submarines. I rest my case.

    I feel like James Cameron has never met an actual person before. Titanic is basically a 3.5-hour-long Zales commercial, only slightly less emotionally compelling. Fabrizio and Victor Garber aside (I forgot to talk about the unbearable melancholy of Victor Garber, but SOB!), I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to watch this movie—much less watch it in 3D. Hey, do you want to watch a 3.5-hour extravaganza of terror and death with a plastic cage strapped to your face? Hey, did you like the original Titanic, but wish you could also have a headache? Hey, are you a 15-year-old girl? Oh, you are? Okay. Go nuts. If you'll excuse me, I have to go die of old age now.


    I Re-Watched Titanic So You Don't Have To. You're Welcome.
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  2. #2
    Elite Member Chalet's Avatar
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    Never saw it due to lack of desire. Since Titanic, I did become a late in life Leo fan, but the rest are tossers.
    greysfang and darksithbunny like this.

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    Elite Member Novice's Avatar
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    The best bit if the whole article "Tommy (five leprechauns standing on each other's shoulders wearing a long coat). "

    And I thought that a jalopy was a horse drawn carriage, like a buggy, originally so found that very confusing....
    Free Charmed.

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    I feel like James Cameron has never met an actual person before.

    Tis true. All his characters are avatars.

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    Elite Member Brookie's Avatar
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    Hilarious, and perfect description of the movie.
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    Elite Member Laurent's Avatar
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    I hated Titanic in 1998 and I hate that shit now. I can't believe they're resuscitating this old turkey and squeezing a few more dollars out. They'll be re-releasing every movie that ever made $10 from here on out.

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    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    I have never seen the movie from start to finish and simply refuse to. I was forced to watch the little I did see and I feel I am scarred for life.

    NEVER got the hype, in fact, hated the hype because I knew it was a shitty movie that idiots were fawning all over for no good reason. Fucking losers.

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    Elite Member KrisNine's Avatar
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    I love that movie.
    LynnieD, aabbcc, sluce and 1 others like this.

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    Elite Member Nevan's Avatar
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    That article was all sorts of awesome!! Hope Cameron gets a link of it and busts his gut open!

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    Elite Member OrangeSlice's Avatar
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    I watch it for the scenery. Just the details on the ship. I could give a rat's ass about the storyline.
    "Schadenfreude, hard to spell, easy to feel." ~VenusinFauxFurs

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    Elite Member whitetigeress's Avatar
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    I agree. Fabrizio deserves special attention.






    *eats a bowl of ravioli*

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    Elite Member Brookie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeSlice View Post
    I watch it for the scenery. Just the details on the ship. I could give a rat's ass about the storyline.
    I watch it for the boo-boos and mistakes in continuity. And to catch the background scenery that didn't quite get eliminated - Baja, California.

    I used to participate in off-road motorsports when I was at Ford (I coordinated management trips to Mexico, Vegas and California), and we were driving down the Baja peninsula one fine day when the Titanic came into view in a little town called Rosarito. It was half the ship (cut lengthwise) and almost as long as the real ship. It was quite an eye-opener; up until then, I hadn't heard much about the movie. I kinda wish we'd stopped now.
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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    i love Titanic. In fact, just to be annoying, daughter and i are going to see it in 3D on Thursday
    KrisNine, Novice and sluce like this.
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    Gold Member memebot's Avatar
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    I watched Titanic again on TV with my sister a few years later, making sure to switch it off right before that whole stressful iceberg thingy—a strategy that turns the movie into a pleasant romp about two teenagers who take a perfectly safe boat ride and then bang in a jalopy. The end. Charming!
    LMFAO, that's basically how I watch it. Not for the romantic romp aspect, but because after people start crying and drowning, Kate does not scamper around the deck in beautiful beaded dresses. When the costumes get ripped and dreary, I turn that shit off.
    nancydrew likes this.

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    Elite Member Laurent's Avatar
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    One of my problems with Titanic is that I hate when movies use tragic parts of history as quaint backdrops for poorly written romance. It can be done well, but not with James Cameron at the helm.
    Air Quotes likes this.

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