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Thread: Best Turkey Recipe Ever for Thanksgiving or Christmas

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    in the wild blue yonder

    Default Best Turkey Recipe Ever for Thanksgiving or Christmas

    A friend gave me this recipe about 20 years ago and Iíve made it half a dozen times. It is a LOT of work, but really worth it. It is the most incredibly moist turkey and tasty stuffing ever.

    I usually make half the stuffing and buy a smaller turkey. If you make all the stuffing, you will probably have some left over to freeze. OR if your family likes to eat a lot of it, you can pre-cook some in a separate pan the day before. I usually make the stuffing then to save time on Christmas Day. And I drink champagne or wine, not Ramos gin fizzes. Just donít drink too much!

    Morton Thompsonís Turkey
    By Morton Thompson
    As told by Robert Benchley

    Rumors persist about this recipe. This blackened turkey is part of the 1930s legends associated with Harold Ross and The New Yorker's team of contributing writers. First thought to have been contained in a manuscript given to Robert Benchley by Morton Thompson, this highly seasoned and ultimately blackened turkey pops up every year.

    Perhaps to console his conscience (Benchley, it is said, lost Thompson's manuscript titled, The Naked Countess) this recipe became part lore, part recitation, and part of an annual holiday toast that Benchley included in his repertoire. We provide this to perpetuate the traditions of blackened holidays and crusty family stories.
    A Seasoned Blackened Turkey

    The Plot: This recipe combines the wistfulness of a lost manuscript, the piquant spice of a member of Dorothy Parker's Circle of Vicious (Robert Benchley), and our own tip of our hat to the disappearing art and tradition of all-day cooking methods.

    The Character: Spicy Robert Benchley (of Algonquin Round Table and 1930s film legend):

    The Drama:
    "This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average
    six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.

    Get a HUGE turkey-- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that
    looks as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It
    ought to weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman, or
    butcher, cut its head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin,
    and remove the neck close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want
    this for stuffing. Also , he should leave all the fat on the bird.

    When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt
    and pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart,
    gizzard, and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stew pan with a
    clove of garlic, a large bay leaf, 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I
    don't know how much salt-- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5
    cups of water and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting
    fluid a little later.

    About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a
    RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal
    amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp.), 1/2 tsp.
    confectioner's sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a
    few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney
    glass, add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks,
    plus 1 tsp. of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (add 1
    dash of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks)

    Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a
    large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three
    tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger (If you like ginger, double this
    - REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.

    Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second,
    somewhat smaller, bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put:

    2 tsp hot dry mustard
    2 tsp caraway seed
    2 tsp celery seed
    2 tsp poppy seed
    1 tsp black pepper
    2 1/2 tsp oregano
    1/2 tsp mace
    1/2 tsp turmeric
    1/2 tsp marjoram
    1/2 tsp savory
    3/4 tsp sage
    3/4 tsp thyme
    1/4 tsp basil
    1/2 tsp chili powder

    In the same bowl, add:

    1 Tbsp poultry seasoning
    4 Tbsp parsley
    1 Tbsp salt
    4 headless crushed cloves
    1 well-crushed bay leaf
    4 lrg chopped onions
    6 good dashes Tabasco
    5 crushed garlic cloves
    6 large chopped celery sticks

    Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink--and a third
    bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of
    toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork,
    1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the

    About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are
    recommended (Do this at your own risk - we always did! -REB). Get a
    fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your
    hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff
    the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.

    Turn your oven to 500 degrees F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a
    paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the
    Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 Tbsp
    onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is
    red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink
    until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint
    the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to
    350 degrees F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint
    again. Keep doing this until the paste is used up.

    Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on
    the stove, This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every
    15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted
    with the choice "do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste
    with the juice from the pot on the stove?" make certain that the juice
    under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that
    gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This
    critter makes incredible gravy! -REB) The bird should cook about 12
    minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your
    friends and family.

    As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown,
    then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy.
    The bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think
    you are demented and drunk on your butt, which, if you've followed
    instructions, you are ĖREB). In fact, by the time it is finished, it will
    look as though we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black
    cindery crust.

    Beneath, the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany, reminding one of those
    golden browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and
    the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve
    it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause
    the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The
    moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing--well, there is
    nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it is
    always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.

    Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton
    Thompson. There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is
    used. If there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a
    few days. That's all there is to it. It's work, hard work--- but it's
    worth it.

    (What follows is not part of the recipe, but is an ingredients list to
    aid in shopping for this monster, or for checking your spice cabinet

    Ingredients List:
    1 turkey
    4 eggs
    1 apple
    1 orange
    1 lrg can crushed pineapple
    1 lemon
    4 lrg onions
    6 celery stalks
    plenty of preserved ginger
    2 cans water chestnuts
    3 packages unseasoned bread crumbs
    3/4 lb ground veal
    1/2 lb ground pork
    1/4 lb butter
    onion juice
    1 qt apple cider

    Spice List:
    bay leaf
    caraway seed
    celery seed
    chili powder
    ground coriander
    dry mustard
    pepper, black
    poultry seasoning
    poppy seed

  2. #2
    Silver Member BlueEyesCryin's Avatar
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    Oct 2005
    far, far away ...


    OMG!! What fresh hell is this? Better be good, sounds it!
    Buying is a profound pleasure. Simone De Beauvoir

  3. #3
    SVZ is offline
    Do fish have boogers? SVZ's Avatar
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    eggs? why eggs? eggs? why eggs?



    im so confused...eggs?

  4. #4
    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    in the wild blue yonder


    The eggs aren't for the recipe. They're for the Ramos gin fizzes to drink while you're making the turkey, which are completely optional.

  5. #5
    A*O is offline
    Friend of Gossip Rocks! A*O's Avatar
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    bloody hell - I love to cook but really.......... Nigella Lawson (I know I know, she's my goddess OK?) does a great ham cooked in CocaCola. Some kind of cajun shit, ask Gator. Sensational and has about 3 ingredients!
    If all the women in this place were laid end to end, I wouldnít be surprised - Dorothy Parker

  6. #6
    Super Moderator NoDayButToday's Avatar
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    Oct 2005


    You can also make a really good chicken breast using a can of diet coke and 3/4 of a cup of ketchup and then letting it all simmer together for awhile. The ketchup and diet coke combine to make a really good sweet barbecue sauce-type flavor. The bf is the pickiest eater on the planet, and ketchup is one of his big aversions. He could even taste the tiny bit in my Grandma's hamburgers (she mixes like a tablespoon into the whole thing), and wouldn't eat them anymore. He ALWAYS asks me to make this, there's no way he knows what its made of, or else he wouldn't eat it.

    I'm just happy the simple, easy recipes make him happy, sometimes you don't wanna have to pretend to be a gourmet chef

  7. #7
    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Turkey Recipe Ever for Thanksgiving or Christmas

    BUMP. 'Tis the season.

    This recipe isn't hard. It's just time-consuming, but worth it once in a great while.

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