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Thread: Pet diaries

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    Talking Pet diaries

    funny cuz you know its true!
    DOG DIARY

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


    CAT DIARY

    Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
    However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!


    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

    For now...


    Cat

  2. #2
    Elite Member Dixie Normos's Avatar
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    Awesome! The cat reminds me of "Stewie" from The family Guy.
    "In the face of the blinding sun, I wake only to find
    that Heaven is a stranger place than than one I've left behind." - SM

  3. #3
    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    ^ exactly

  4. #4
    Elite Member KrisNine's Avatar
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    Pretty much the scene in my house....little shits!!

  5. #5
    Elite Member Algernon's Avatar
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    I didn't see this on here originally, but just got it in an email. I knew someone would have posted it on here! I am still laughing my ASS off, this is soooooo true! I have 2 cats and 1 dog and I swear this is exactly what they must be thinking. Still have tears in my eyes from laughing!!!
    Value the future on a timescale longer than your own. -Richard Dawkins

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    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    That is so, so true... explains why I'm a cat person rather than a dog person, too! I just love the devious little bastards!

    For anyone who is a cat lover and has never read it I would recommend "The Unadulterated Cat" by Terry Pratchett. I laughed and nodded in agreement all the way through. One of my favourite Pratchett quotes is:

    Dogs are not like cats, who amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw.

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    Elite Member Trixie's Avatar
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    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
    These people don't give a fuck about YOU or us. It's a message board, for Christ's sake. ~ mrs.v ~
    ~"Fuck off! Aim higher! Get a life! Get away from me!" ~the lovely and talented Miss Julia Roberts~



  8. #8
    Elite Member Rica's Avatar
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    I can imagine my mothers cat and her dog thinking the exact things in that diary

  9. #9
    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    cats; you cant live with them and cant live w/o them!

  10. #10
    Gold Member Glitter's Avatar
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    This is so great! I have three cats, a bird, a hamster, and one fish now. It used to be two but one of the cats figured out how to knock it's little tank off the dresser and it was bye, bye fishy!
    Life is what happens to you
    While you're busy making other plans ~ John Lennon

  11. #11
    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    some ppl say that money is the root of all evil, but i beg to differ................


  12. #12
    Elite Member sparkly's Avatar
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    ^LMAO

    Cats are so evil, but I don't want to live without them. They spice up my life.
    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

  13. #13
    Elite Member Algernon's Avatar
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    Honestly? My two cats are starting to piss me the hell off. My dog is so much easier. The cats are like hormonal teenage girls (even though they are neutered males, lol) with too much attitude. I never ever realized how much easier dogs are than cats until I got my pup.
    Value the future on a timescale longer than your own. -Richard Dawkins

  14. #14
    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    ^ mine never EVER let me sleep in and crowd me in my bed and whine like little babies constantly; it is maddening, i understand algernon.

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