Thursday, August 9th 2012
Hot Slut Of The Day!
After spending almost 60 magical and magnificent minutes with Honey Boo Boo Chile and her family of fresh-off-the-tree Georgia peaches (aka the greatest television family of all-time) last night, today's Hot Slut was going to be Mama June's stack of luscious chins (which kind of look like an Oscar Mayer ham being pulled out of its can) or Glitzy the pig, but I'm going to save those for another day, because we must pay tribute to the candy-stealing gentle black bear from Colorado.
In this HIGHLY IMPORTANT, CNN-worthy, 5 minute-long, special edition weekend report from EP News, Kris Hazelton (who should also get Hot Slut accolades for her "potty training teacher" delivery and gorgeous hair that you usually only see on an assistant manager at a Central Florida beauty salon) tells us about a sneaky, thieving bear who should give lessons to Goldilocks' dumb ass on how to be stealth while stealing other people's shit.
Jo Adams, the owner of Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory in Estes Park, CO, came into her store one morning and noticed that somebody was eating her chocolate, and somebody was shaking dirt on her table and somebody was getting into her tins. Jo Adams probably thought it was a squirrel or maybe Jessica Simpson was in town, but she checked the surveillance video anyway and found the thief.
The deadbolt on the store's front door wasn't totally secure, so a gentle black bear was able to open the door, tip toe into the store and fill his belly with delicious chocolate. The gentle bear grabbed a few "Balls of Joy," took them outside and ate them up. The gentle bear came back into the store, grabbed a few bear cookies (CANNIBEAR!!!), took them outside and ate them away form the cameras. The gentle bear did this 7 times in 15 minutes. The only evidence he left was some dirt on the counter and some paper on the floor.
The gentle bear thief is still at large, but he's become a local superstar and several of Jo's customers have come into the store to buy the same sweet treats he stole. So Jo better leave a few Balls of Joy on the not-so-welcome mat in front of the chocolate thief's cave, because she owes him for bringing her business.
And I'm actually really happy that for once a story about a bear nibbling on Balls of Joy isn't about John Travolta.