Woman sues over reunion with child she gave up for adoption after being raped

[MoodyJenny86]

Originally Posted by crumpet

The term 'real mother/father' really offends me. I don't like to hear adoptees refer to their bio dna donors that way. The people who actually raised you are your only parents, period. I also hate these 'Locator' reality shows that romanticize these reunions. It's laughable to me when someone comes running up to the bio mother they have never met in their 45 yrs on this earth crying and saying "I love you". That's a joke, thinking you love someone you don't even know. You love what they represent to you. I only hope that adoptees are repsectful towards their 'real' parents who raised them when they go about seeking these reunions.

You make a very valid point crumpet.

I agree.

[LynnieD]

Originally Posted by Sarzy

I feel bad for both of them. That's just a really tough situation. I can understand how people have a longing to meet their biological parents.

Yea, me too. Tragic, horrifying situation. For both women.

[Novice]

Originally Posted by McJag

ITA. The one that rocked them,bathed them,got up with ear aches & suffered over every hangnail-that is the true mother or father. Doesn't matter if that child was home made or store bought. Once you get your hands on that precious,he or she is all yours-right on the spot. For someone to go looking for their "real parents" is short sighted. I always wonder how the parents who raised that child feels.

As someone who hopes to be raising adopted/fostered children, I'm not sure that I feel that its wrong (or whatever) for the adopted child to search out their bio-parents.
We have a lot of adoptions in out family, both in and out. I can understand that a person may have a lot of questions about a dna-linked family. Why, who, what, how... etc. If that were my adopted child, I would want to support that in a way that clearly meant "we still love you and always will but understand your need". We'd prefer older children so I don't think that it'll have so much 'mistique" to it. Adopting older children might mean that these children are actually removed from their parents for their own good - or it might be an "open" adoption; we won't know til it happens.

However, this agency completely violated this woman's right to privacy. As I said we have a number of adoptions & that includes someone that gave up a baby. Not everyone in that person's new family knows about that and if the "child" turned up it would cause all sorts of issues.

Its a difficult situation where all needs need to be balanced, and sometimes that means that someone gets hurt....

[celeb_2006]

Originally Posted by McJag

ITA. The one that rocked them,bathed them,got up with ear aches & suffered over every hangnail-that is the true mother or father. Doesn't matter if that child was home made or store bought. Once you get your hands on that precious,he or she is all yours-right on the spot. For someone to go looking for their "real parents" is short sighted. I always wonder how the parents who raised that child feels.

I agree.

I have to add that there is only one situation that I can understand and accept where an adoptee would want to seek their biological parents, and that is if the child is found to have a very unique disease or the sort, and they need to find the parents in order to find a cure or suitable donor. Basically, a life or death type situation.

Nothing else.

[january]

Originally Posted by MontanaMama

I'd say that's a suit with merit. I am all for adoption. And I'm all for facilitating reunions, but for god's sake, they cannot ambush bio parents. That's just flat out cruel. She had no obligation to reply to the inquiry - a closed adoption means it stays closed and sealed until BOTH parties voluntarily seek info about the other.

Originally Posted by crumpet

The term 'real mother/father' really offends me. I don't like to hear adoptees refer to their bio dna donors that way. The people who actually raised you are your only parents, period. I also hate these 'Locator' reality shows that romanticize these reunions. It's laughable to me when someone comes running up to the bio mother they have never met in their 45 yrs on this earth crying and saying "I love you". That's a joke, thinking you love someone you don't even know. You love what they represent to you. I only hope that adoptees are repsectful towards their 'real' parents who raised them when they go about seeking these reunions.

I agree with both of these points.

And while everyone is saying how "tragic" it is for the girl who wanted to find her biological mother, I just don't feel that much particular sympathy for her. I don't understand why someone would think that their bio mother/father would greet them with open arms or think that they are obligated to meet them. I mean, I just find it very rude and selfish to show up on her doorstep and expect the best. Couldn't she at least put in a phone call to ascertain first if she even wanted to be contacted, if it was okay to just show up in her life? I don't know, I just feel for this poor bio mom way more than her kid.

I wonder if her daughter looked like her rapist at all, if it just triggered some terrible memory. Poor woman.

[sparkly]

The daughter had no right to go knocking on er biological mother's door when the woman didn't respond to the inquiry. At most, maybe another letter could've been mailed out to her, but that's it. The woman didn't respond for a reason, and I feel sorry for her way more than the daughter. If the daughter feels rejected, that's her own damn fault for pushing herself onto a woman that clearly wanted nothing to do with her. She should just be grateful that this woman carried her for 9 months instead of having an abortion.

[sluce]

Originally Posted by celeb_2006

I agree.

I have to add that there is only one situation that I can understand and accept where an adoptee would want to seek their biological parents, and that is if the child is found to have a very unique disease or the sort, and they need to find the parents in order to find a cure or suitable donor. Basically, a life or death type situation.

Nothing else.

Clearly you are not adopted and have no concern for those who were. Most adult adoptees love their parents, the ones who raised them. Wanting to know where you came from, who you look like, why you were relinquished, your medical history, where you acquired certain traits, etc. is not a sign of disloyalty to the adoptive parents. It is a basic need that those of who are raised in our families take for granted. Thinking it is disloyal is right up there with the people who tell adoptees how lucky they are to have been adopted and tell adoptive parents what saviors they are for raising these kids. The reality is that the adoptive parents are the lucky ones because thanks to the birthparents they were given an opportunity to parent at all. To call them saviors sets everyone up for a fall. It also plants the seed to the adoptee that they were thrown away once and now they are lucky that anyone wanted them at all. Then we wonder why adoptees are in therapy, recovery programs and commit suicide at a higher rate than the non adopted population.

I am pleased to have been involved in hundreds of reunions. People do not need the agency at all. It is pretty easy to get all the information you need to make contact without ever involving a social service agency. I have only had a few cases where the birthparent did not want a reunion. That usually happens because they have been living the lie and are now afraid of having to deal with it. Even in those cases they were willing to provide information and were very thankful to know that the adoptee was alive and well.

I do hope this case goes to court. Please remember that right now you are only hearing the side of the lawyer who represents the birthmother and both will benefit monetarily. Word in the industry is that when the facts come out the case will not look so cut and dry.

Please also keep in mind that there are very, very few adoptees as a result of rape. However, young women are sometimes told to say they were raped so there will be no need to identify a father which would then allow him to assert his parental rights if he wants. It is not used as much today but 20-30 years ago it was a tool used when they thought a birthfather might want custody. Leaving him out of the process was covered by claiming rape.

[MontanaMama]

Sluce, I know we've had this discussion before, but there are simply disappointments in life. One of these disappointments may just have to be that an adopted child has no rights to anything from a birth parent. Hell, having been raised by my biological parents doesn't give me any rights to anything from them - certainly my bio parents are not obligated to share any of their information with my. The prerequisite for an adoption is that the biological parents relinquish all parental rights and obligations. There ends the connection unless both parties wish to reestablish that connection.

If even the bare bones of this story is factual - that she did not respond to the inquiry, there ends the trail. Period and end of story.

[Honey]

Poor woman

Sluce- Great post

I don't think I'd want to meet my "real" dad, he didn't want to know me when I was born so I'm not very interested in him

[buttmunch]

At the end of the day the birth mother has the right to say she doesn't want to know the child. If there is some medical condition then she could be contacted to provide information if necessary. I sympathize with the child but I think the mother's rights take precedence here.

[celeb_2006]

Originally Posted by sluce

Clearly you are not adopted and have no concern for those who were. Most adult adoptees love their parents, the ones who raised them. Wanting to know where you came from, who you look like, why you were relinquished, your medical history, where you acquired certain traits, etc. is not a sign of disloyalty to the adoptive parents. It is a basic need that those of who are raised in our families take for granted. Thinking it is disloyal is right up there with the people who tell adoptees how lucky they are to have been adopted and tell adoptive parents what saviors they are for raising these kids. The reality is that the adoptive parents are the lucky ones because thanks to the birthparents they were given an opportunity to parent at all. To call them saviors sets everyone up for a fall. It also plants the seed to the adoptee that they were thrown away once and now they are lucky that anyone wanted them at all. Then we wonder why adoptees are in therapy, recovery programs and commit suicide at a higher rate than the non adopted population.

I am pleased to have been involved in hundreds of reunions. People do not need the agency at all. It is pretty easy to get all the information you need to make contact without ever involving a social service agency. I have only had a few cases where the birthparent did not want a reunion. That usually happens because they have been living the lie and are now afraid of having to deal with it. Even in those cases they were willing to provide information and were very thankful to know that the adoptee was alive and well.

I do hope this case goes to court. Please remember that right now you are only hearing the side of the lawyer who represents the birthmother and both will benefit monetarily. Word in the industry is that when the facts come out the case will not look so cut and dry.

Please also keep in mind that there are very, very few adoptees as a result of rape. However, young women are sometimes told to say they were raped so there will be no need to identify a father which would then allow him to assert his parental rights if he wants. It is not used as much today but 20-30 years ago it was a tool used when they thought a birthfather might want custody. Leaving him out of the process was covered by claiming rape.

Well I'm not the only one here who feels the way I do.

Good for you for all of your work and what you believe in.

[sputnik]

Originally Posted by buttmunch

At the end of the day the birth mother has the right to say she doesn't want to know the child. If there is some medical condition then she could be contacted to provide information if necessary. I sympathize with the child but I think the mother's rights take precedence here.

i completely agree.
and that's not to say i don't sympathise with the adopted daughter wanting to know who her mother is. i also don't think it's a sign of ungratefulness or selfishness toward the adoptive parents, it's simply the most normal thing in the world to want to know where you came from. but any adopted kid taking on that search has to be prepared for the worst: that one or both of his bio parents won't want anything to do with him/her.
i had a boyfriend who was adopted, and when he was a teenager he looked up his bio parents, satisfied his curiosity and then moved on. he didn't want his bio parents to be part of his life (and they didn't want to be a part of his either) but did feel the need to know where he came from. and he never called them his parents or even bio parents, it was always clear his parents are the people who adopted him.

[yanna]

her biological child continues to attempt contact with her

I can't get over that part. What kind of sick person does that? Why can't she leave the poor woman alone? She gave birth to her instead of aborting her. It's enough.

I hope the agency is forced to pay for this breach of privacy, it's a horrific thing to do to someone.

[buttmunch]

Yeah, the continued attempts is just wrong. Maybe she thought that once the bio mother saw her her feelings would change but they obviously didn't. As much as it probably hurts she needs to respect the mother's feelings. It's not an easy situation but she's making it worse and is going to feel worse than she already did when this goes further.

[MoodyJenny86]

I know someone who's family member went through a situation similar to this only she agreed to meet the child and I can't imagine how painful that must have been.

The last I heard they communicated through e-mail but I'm not sure if they still keep in contact.

Edit: I also agree with those saying the woman is lucky to be here. I know a lot of people who definitely would have aborted no questions asked if they had gotten pregnant under such circumstances.