Tony Blair smacked his kids....

[buttmunch]

Tony Blair fuelled the ongoing debate over corporal punishment this week when he admitted he had smacked his children in the past. His comments followed a suggestion from Whitehall advisers last year that parents who smack should face prison.
Here, writer Bel Mooney admits that she, too, struck her children Kitty, 26, and Daniel, now 32, when they were small - while Kitty, a journalist, gives her view.

Should parents be allowed to smack their children? Tell us in the reader comments box below

Yes, I DID smack my daughter... but no, it didn't do me any harm, says Bel Mooney's daughter:

Tony Blair and I proved to have something in common this week. Pressed into a confession that he smacked his children (but not Leo, which goes to prove that the youngest has it easier), he is bound to bring down more liberal-Left criticism on his own head.

How, they ask, can you talk about 'respect' when you disrespected your own children enough to raise a hand against them? But this seems to be the month for an Alcoholics' Anonymous-type confession fest - so here goes: "My name is Bel and I was a smacker."

Like the Prime Minister, I was not above inflicting a short, sharp slap to my beloved children, and like him, I believe that common sense must tell us there is an enormous gap between that and the sort of cruelty the NSPCC is intended to prevent.

Once again the question is raised of how far the State can, and should, intervene in family matters. In 1998 I was asked to sign up to support the pressure group Children Are Unbeatable. Knowing one of the founders, I was frank with her, saying that I could hardly do so since I had given my kids the odd whack when they drove me to it. Yet I was finally persuaded to sign up - and my name is still on its website (www.children areunbeatable.org.uk), along with many other well-known names.

The doubts I felt at the beginning are still there. Looking at the website (which is a good read) for the first time, I was struck by the enormity of the good intentions and the sweeping nature of the language. The sentiment is similar to the Government dogma which produced the recent law making it a criminal offence to slap a child and leave a mark.

Phrases like "violence against children", and "assault" do not correspond in any way to the actual experience of the loving mum who quickly slaps a stamping leg because she's told its owner five times to stop being so naughty.

Of course, she would rather not have to do it, and knows that to sit down and reason with her darling sprog should be the way forward. But when the baby is crying, the telephone ringing, the spuds boiling over and your eldest is playing havoc with the volume on the remote control, yes, briefly, you lose it - and the effect is miraculous. They all take note.

But there is nothing premeditated about this - and it is arguably a lot less damaging than the cold withdrawal of affection and approval which passes for discipline in many homes. My children would rather have had a quick flick, forgotten ten minutes later, than arid silence.

Sometimes it seems that the great and the good who would have any smacking of children outlawed haven't a clue about the way real people live.

It is an insult to the children who suffer real abuse not to make distinctions between reasonable discipline and wicked violence.

There is such a chasm between the world in which children lead stunted lives in poor homes where language is reduced to screaming abuse which all-too-easily has a physical counterpart, and the middle-class homes where earnest parents pore over titles such as Let's Work Together - Managing Children's Behaviour and Discipline Without Shouting Or Spanking. This is cloud cuckoo land.

Forget the pamphlets and pressure groups, I believe TV programmes such as Supernanny, The House Of Tiny Tearaways and Stepfamilies are more use in introducing creative methods of discipline (like the 'naughty step') to the wider public.


I once threw a pile of books at my daughter, Kitty. She was a horrible teenager who did push me very, very far, but I still know I should have sat down with her to work out her anger problems. The trouble is, I had my own to deal with.

We now have a wonderful relationship - no damage displayed in her or my son Daniel as a result of the smacks, but lots of good things as a result of the love.

Family life is a rich and complex organism, and it doesn't help ordinary families if the State always steps in to tell us what to do.

KITTY DIMBLEBY SAYS:

My brother Daniel and I called it 'the flick' - a lightning swipe at the nearest body part when our behaviour had become unacceptable. It didn't hurt so much as sting, but, boy, was it effective.

It was used to stop tantrums and general unpleasantness, and even the threat of it was enough to quell a hissy fit. Mum still hasn't broken the habit - I got a swipe this Christmas for being cheeky and I'm 26.

Occasionally, there would be more to it. I remember once, when I was about six, behaving terribly at a friend's party. I had a full-blown tantrum, lying on the floor and kicking my mother when she tried to get me to leave.

This continued at home and, in distress and frustration, my mother struck the back of my hand with a wooden spoon. My skin reddened and I remember being stunned, but it did the job. I knew I'd pushed Mum too far. Yes, I was cross with her, but also with myself. I never behaved like that again.

But a firm hand was tempered by lots of love. Mum worked from home so she was there to cook our supper, help with homework, play games and read stories.

Although Dad was often working, when he was home he would become the centre of my world, teaching me to play chess or the piano, reading over my school work and taking me on country walks.

I have many idyllic memories, but we had rules, too: eating the food that was put in front of us, limited TV, making an effort at school, and saying 'please' and 'thank you'.

There were more serious smackings. My brother Daniel remembers being put across our father's knee when he was about nine because he had punched our mother.

Many might find this paradoxical - how can we teach a child not to hit by smacking? But my brother feels it was right. He never hit our mother again, or, for that matter, anyone else. Contrary to reports of the psychological damage smacking can cause, he has turned into a well adjusted, non-violent young man.

But it is important to clarify - we were never hit as children. Hitting implies a clenched fist; adult violence. A smack is a short sharp swipe causing little pain but shocking a child into momentary stillness and long-term realisation that the behaviour which provoked the smack was unacceptable.

My friend told me of one time she fell into a childish rage in a supermarket and her mother gave her a smack, which she likens to slapping someone who is hysterical.

Now, under the legal curbs on smacking introduced in 2004, my friend's mother could be arrested.

Of course, there must be legislation to protect vulnerable children. But as Tony Blair rightly said this week, all right-thinking people know the difference between smacking a child and abusing them.

Mum and Dad were smacked by their parents; in those days it was normal. Both Mum's state primary and Dad's boarding school used the ruler, which was far worse than anything they could expect at home.


Although Mum and Dad grew up at different ends of the class spectrum, their parents had a similar attitude, which they have now passed on to us.


I don't know yet whether I will smack my children if I become a mother myself, but I would like to have the freedom to make up my own mind on how to discipline my children without being dictated to by a nanny state.

dailymail.co.uk

This seems to be a huge debate in the UK right now. So what do you think? Do you smack your kids? Did you get smacked? Do you think it's ok or just breeds more violence in kids? Answers, please...

As for me, if I am angry enough to think about whacking my kids, I figure I'm not thinking at all and the situation is out of control. And since I'm the adult in the situation, it's up to me to get things back under control...and doing it without hitting. the way I see it, you wouldn't hit an adult to get your way (never mind the fact that you'd be arrested for assault) so why would you hit a kid?

[SVZ]

source?

[calendargurl]

this is why kids these days are growing up having no respect for adults or any type of authority...
i'm all for a smack on the ass when it is deserved. a kid that is sitting there playing with matches or calling his mother a bitch is not going to stop when someone asks him nicely 'that's not polite, please stop doing that.' what kid is going to be intimidated by that?! i got spanked just a few times when i was growing up. i deserved them, i was being a little shit. but i quit whatever i was doing and listened to what my parents said. and it didnt 'damage' me or cause me psychological problems as i grew up either.

[Tiara]

I don't think children should grow up believing that hitting is the way to show someone you are unhappy or to show them they are wrong. But I certainly think a light tap on the hand is totaly acceptable. Thats what I got when I was younger. I only ever got smacked on the bum (not my bare bum) when I was really naughty. The main thing for me when I was younger was the embarrassment of getting a smack, I hated it because I knew I'd done wrong.

When I have children I will try my best to discipline my kids with words, but if they refuse to listen and are being brats, they will get s smack. I would never leave my child with a mark from a slap, I just think a light tap makes them realise they've done wrong.

[buttmunch]

Because they aren't hit? I was never hit as a child and I had great respect for adults. My parents didn't tolerate any b.s. from me or my siblings but they managed to get our respect without smacking us. They punished us by taking things away, either possessions or privilages. I don't hit my kids and they're very well behaved. When they disobey or refuse to do what they're told, they lose something. Maybe they wanted to go to a friend's house or perhaps see a film. If they are good, they get to do it. If they aren't good, they stay home. If they don't clean their room, I take all the crap on the floor and put it away where they can't have it until the room is clean. There are so many ways to 'control' your kids without resorting to hitting. And really, I don't want to control them at all. I want to teach them to be good people and part of that is teaching them that hitting is the solution people choose when they aren't intelligent or clever enough to think of something better.

[calendargurl]

hitting is the solution people choose when they aren't intelligent or clever enough to think of something better.

thanks for the insult. and i don't consider a light smack on a clothed bottom 'hitting'.

[Barbara]

I've been smacked and I've been spanked, by my mom only (my father knew he just had to glare intimidatingly). No trauma. If/when I become a parent I think I'll do quite the same. After a warning, though: you do that one more time/you keep on doing that, you get smacked.

[buttmunch]

Quote:
hitting is the solution people choose when they aren't intelligent or clever enough to think of something better.



thanks for the insult. and i don't consider a light smack on a clothed bottom 'hitting'.

I wasn't directing that towards you...that's what I tell my kids. If you see it as directed at you, I can't control that. I guess we all have to make our own decisions but I think any physical violence is wrong. I try to teach my kids that and one way for me to do that is to not hit them. It's hard for me to tell them that hitting is wrong if I'm doing it myself.

[Tenaj]

Hmm, I don't know where I stand on this topic. I was smacked a couple of times when I was little and it had no adverse effects on my behavior, I was a goody two shoes and I've never been in a fight or used violence towards anyone.

But then I would also say that I would not like to smack my own child when I have one. You see loads of programmes with problems kids who are slapping and kicking their parents, they've obviously learned this from their parents in the first place. There is an amazing programme here called Super Nanny, I think the US may have it too as last weeks episode featured an American family? Am I right? The Nanny Jo, does not believe in smacking. She does what buttmunch mentioned, she takes away things from the child or makes them site on a 'naughty chair' for the same number of minutes as their age (4yrs - 4minutes etc). When she returns she calmly explains the reason why they were put there to begin with and ask for an apology.

I would hope I could follow her tactics when I'm a mum.

[Tiara]

I don't think kids get smacking habits just from their parents though. I've seen super nanny and most of the parents are too lenient with their children (and I don’t mean just because the don’t hit them) They let them get away with everything, yet the child will still lash out at everyone. Kids pick up things like this from school aswell.

[buttmunch]

You're right, Tiara. My kids hit each other sometimes and they sure as hell don't get that from me. They're boys, so they wrestle, etc and it sometimes decends into chaos and hitting. I could go in and smack them and they'd probably stop but then what would I be teaching them? Stop hitting or I'll hit you? It seems illogical to me. I'd rather find other ways, which obviously take more time and patience (lord, does it take patience!) but in the end will hopefully bear better results. Of course, my kids may grow up to be insane axe murders but at least they won't be able to blame it on me....

[gonflable]

I was never spanked, and I do not believe in spanking. I'm with Buttmunch on this one...

I believe that if you have to go as far as resort to spanking, something's not right. I know I'm on thin ice saying this, but everyone is right to have an opinion, right? I also believe that if you've spanked one time, a line is kinda crossed, and resorting to spanking (and even hitting) is easier the next time.

I dunno... I was taught to use my words, and I worked out fine.

ETA (since I can't double post):
Of course people are in their full right to do whatever they want as long as they're not breaking any laws, I was just stating my opinion

[buttmunch]

Ha...gonfable...it's a tough subject to post on without stepping on toes. Everyone has opinions on this one and it seems like alot of people think kids are out of control. but, of course, everyone has always thought kids were out of control, throughout the ages (read Plato sometime...he has a few things to say on this subject).

[gonflable]

Hm, maybe I'll do that. I loved the little we had of child psychology in psych-class at my school. Very interesting stuff