Smug stay at home mums

[buttmunch]

At my older son's school, there is an election this week for a parent governor. Of course, this is prime smug Stay At Home Mum territory, which is exactly why I have put my name forward.
I think working parents like me should get a little of the input, not to mention applause, that goes to the non-working contingent.

We are trying to do the best for our children, too; we just haven't got the time to hang about to advertise the fact.

Do I think I'll win the election? One of the other candidates used to be a big wheel in TV.

She is now a Stay-At-Home Mum whose organisational skills are awe-inspiring. She lists her contributions to the school as helping on trips, being class rep and, wait for it, organising an organic vegetable box scheme for the school.

Let's say I'm not expecting to have to dust down my suit for a governors' meeting.

Working mothers like me are used to being made to feel guilty. If they still burned witches at the stake, the first in line for the bonfire would be those who handed over their children to someone else so they could stir their cauldrons full-time.

Only single mothers are greater social pariahs. I am both a single and a working mother, which means that certain family lobbyists no doubt think my children should be in care.

Some mornings, when my two-year-old has thrown his cereal bowl on the floor and his older brother is practising kung fu kicks on him, I think so, too.

Never mind Bridget Jones's hated Smug Marrieds, smug Stay at Home Mums are more irritating, at least if you're not part of the club. And it is a club.

My five-year-old used to go to a knit-your- own-sandals nursery whose intake was drawn almost entirely from homes tended by non-working mothers.

You knew this not only because the mums all wore odd crocheted items that had been fashioned by their own nimble fingers, but because they arrived at least 20 minutes early to pick up their little darlings despite what, to working mothers, was an already painfully premature home time of 3.10pm.

Then they chatted aimlessly to each other about soup recipes and yoga.

We working mothers don't have time to chat aimlessly. If we could, we would probably communicate in semaphore.

It's quicker and when your brain is going at 100 miles an hour - trying to process information about work and home and what you're going to cook for dinner and whether you remembered to book the dental appointment - normal conversation is pretty much impossible.

Allow their brains to go soft

This doesn't make us bad mothers, but it does make us pressured ones.

Still, at least we are functioning intellectually.

Too many full-time mothers allow their brains to go as soft as overcooked spaghetti. They are intellectually stunted by a steady sink into a totally child-centred life.

Have you ever spent an hour with a group of Stay At Home Mums? If they're not discussing how to get their children into the best schools, they are comparing nappy prices - cheaper at Asda, apparently - or leafing through the Boden catalogue.

A middle-class stereotype, but true. No wonder their husbands, who they need to pay the bills, have that pinched look that comes from trying to shut out the drip, drip, drip of obsessive drivel.

Working mothers may not be around to make chocolate krispie cakes, we may not polish shoes, mend trousers or sew in name tapes - I scribble on the washing label, which is neither chic nor effective, but it is quick - but at least we are out in the world.

We are contributing to life. Our self-esteem is not entirely dependent on whether our offspring secures the lead role in the Nativity play.

Non-working mothers will, of course, say they make the most important contribution of all to their children's lives and that of society as a whole. We should all bow before them and offer grateful thanks for their efforts.

I might even do that if they weren't so pleased with themselves already. No one likes a show-off and Stay At Home Mums, with their home-made quiches and supervised homework, love to show off.

When children are small, many working mothers would rather like to stay at home. Financial necessity drives us out to work. But, be honest, once the children are at school, being a mum is not a full-time job, at least not these days.

Back in my mother's and grandmother's days, when there were no washing machines or vacuum cleaners, no fridges or Marks & Spencer ready meals, running a home was exhausting. Today, it's a doddle.

Calling yourself a Stay At Home Mum is not a reason to feel superior; it is an excuse to have a very nice time, thank you.

I know so-called full-time mothers who have a cleaner and maybe a housekeeper and nanny, too. Their husbands are working incredibly long hours to earn buckets of money, so they aren't aware their other halves are living the life of Riley.

They're off to the gym one minute and lunching with the girls the next. I met one of these Stay At Home Hedonists recently and she told me excitedly how her daughter's school had just opened a new cafe.

"You can get great cappuccino while you wait for them to come out!" she announced.

No working mother I have ever known has time for a coffee while on the school run; proof that full-time mummydom is a sham.

These give-'em-an-inch-and-they'll-take-a-mile mums aren't the worst, however. The most terrifying is the Maternal Martyr. She gave up a highpowered job for the sake of her children, so she takes what should be a cushy number and turns it into an SAS assault course. She creates work where there isn't any.

After years of setting targets and focusing on her goals, she transfers these skills to motherhood. So hers is the child who is reading Harry Potter at six, is scheduled into every afterschool club and has a busier social life than Sadie Frost.

Thank goodness full-time nurseries are the preserve of working parents who dash in and out in a cheerful panic.

And the children are confident and self-starting, unlike the wimpy little princes and princesses you see clinging to the skirts of Stay-At-Home Mums. They know how to share toys and take turns and don't think the world revolves around them.

We have all seen documentaries about awful nurseries, but the right one excites and stimulates your child, not things you can say about being at home with a bored and depressed non-working mum who spends her days watching daytime TV and wondering what happened to her life.

I have to say, she rings alot of bells with me. I work but the school my kids attend is full of stay-at-home mums with upper middle management husbands. They run the school/PTA like drill sargeants, complain about the home help (My Eva went and got her self married...what am I going to do??? Eva, by the way, was the maid. Luckily the nanny stayed on). I know alot of moms love staying home and aren't nuts, but many, many of them really are. Now I shall duck and run.

[A*O]

OK I am a SAHM, mainly because I was/am able to do so because my husband can afford to work extra hours to support that choice. And although I miss my job like crazy sometimes, I think overall my kids have benefitted from having me here 24/7. But I totally identify the SAHM Nazis who I have to deal with every day. It's a huge competition to prove who is the most committed, organised, wealthy, aspirational, SKINNY, Supermom and you are mainly judged on whether your SUV is a Merc or a BMW. And they are SO fucking boring/dumb!! Arghhh

[Tenaj]

I'd love to be a stay at home Mum when I have Kids but I can't forsee us having the money for me to have that privelage. It worries me how I will cope - will I be able to afford nursery/childminding fees or will I have to ask my Mum to babysit.

[buttmunch]

Don't worry too much. It somehow all gets worked out. But A*O, I totally know what you mean about the Merc or Beemer SUV. And they're usually black, aren't they?

[MrsDark]

Before my son was school age I was lucky enough to be able to work two days a week (weekends) and stayed home with him during the week. When he was four I started him at a really good daycare for first 3 days a week and then 5, just so he would get used to a routine and being away from home for hours a day long before he had to start *real school*.

Micromanaging SUV-driving, everything's a contest SAH bitches whose life revolves 100% around The Child(inserting a copyright symbol would really be appropriate here) and all things child related totally drive me nuts!

I liked the balance my life had. I still made it to a few functions, baked the occasional home goodies, yet was still capable of carrying on an adult conversation that didn't revolve around The Child (copyright), and could still relate to my husband as something other than Mommy, realizing that making time for us (and just us....adult time, conversations, etc) is just as important as The Child. I was astounded by some of the relationships (or really lack thereof) that a huge majority of professional SAH's had with the very person who helped create these little *miracles* (all their children...no matter how rotten, or whether they shot them out with ease like rockets or almost died giving birth...are always *little miracles* :::: ) It's almost like everything they'd done up to becoming a mommy was just a means to an end...that being to find a man to breed with willing to stress over the grown up stuff while they play house with their little babies and fight being depressed over how their husband doesn't treat them the same now that they've effectively become his mommy too.

If you're going to raise them this way...that life totally revolves around their every mood and move...I think it's probably potentially far more detrimental to them than sending them to a good daycare. And when you make your kid's every waking moment take precedence over your marriage it's just a recipe for misery for everyone involved, even the kid. I thought the idea behind marriage was for the husband and wife to still like each other enough to want to stick around after the kids were grown and gone!

Anyone feel free to disagree if it's just me, but with most of these 100%SAH's that I ever knew and their husbands, even if it wasn't always outright obvious that they had a seething hatred for one another, there was usually this very thin veneer of unspoken hostility/tension that you could cut with a knife! I understand that marriage and kids and stresses of life are going to put any couple at odds plenty of times, but when I am just an acquaintance and I can pick up on this shit between two people every single time the two of them are under the same roof together? Well....let's just say I'm often amazed that some of these couples managed to procreate past the first child if they have more than one...and feel sorry for kids that have to live with that shit.

[SVZ]

As a future stay at a home mom. I'd just like to say I will do the following to my children...


they will wear diapers until 17. children should not be trusted to be able to aim or use the toilet properly.

no sex until they are 35. They can have kids at 36, after this time they will no longer be able to have kids and our family line will have to die. they can begin dating after they're 29 or I take up drinking.

i will take hand casts and have bronze busts created of them each year to document their change into beautiful human beings.

no rock music. music leads to creativity, and creativity only leads to bad things.

they will only go to a high school or university where I can work as a cafeteria lady so we can be together 24/7.

they will not be able to eat in the cafeteria, instead i will wait for them outside of class with a hot lunch. if they're late, i will have a very loud and public talk with the teacher for denying my children their proper nutrition.

[buttmunch]

The funny thing is, whenever I'm at a function that involves parents from the kid's school, I generally end up talking to the other working moms and the men. This is basically because the stay at homes (copyright) have very little of interest to say. And boy do they not like me talking to thier hubbies!

[MrsDark]

Boy do I ever hear you. I just can't even relate to feeling threatened by my husband having a casual conversation with another female, especially in a setting as innocuous as a school function where the lady in question was simply the mom of another kid. What a miserable existence that must be.

[moocow]

Not trying to spam a site, but one of my favorite blogs is:
http://whitetrashmom.blogspot.com/

I think the smug stay at home mom would fall into the Muffy category (they explain it on their site somewhere)

[glamazon]

Dear working moms,

I am the daughter of a working mom, and my friends/ co workers are daughters of stay at home moms.

I do not like hearing that their stay at home moms were incredibly this or that or better than Work moms. I know my mom did the best she could and I really did miss her during the week, but on weekends, it waslike special time! she would read stories to me with sound effects and I always had home cooked meals because she would make enough and left overs.

this nazi SAH moms need to relax and get a hobby while raising their kids. and they also need to know that in other countries, SAH are normal as working moms and it's not such a luxury either. You had to do other stuff , like clean the house and go grocery shopping...WITHOUT a nanny.

Moms are moms. The End. And they are loved the world wide. Thanks mom, for working and ensuring I understood the sacrifice you made. Now that I work, she gets my pain...

[miss_perfect]

People need to realize that life choices like this don't make them any better or worse than anyone else. Whether a mother works or stays at home is a very personal decision, and involves a lot of factors.

My mom stayed at home, and I love her for it, and I am thankful that my dad made enough money that she could do this and be there for me full time growing up.

But thinking you're better than someone else because of a career choice is just plain ignorant.

[buttmunch]

Good post Glamazon. I only work part time. My hubby picks up the kids one day, I pick them up three and our amazing babysitter picks them up one day. I manage to make dinner at least 4-5 nights a week and am home for dinner/homework/bedtime almost all nights. On the other hand, I'm really glad I work because I would be a complete nutcase if I didn't. And if I need or want to take a night out to socialize, I do it. Sometimes the hubby stays home with the kids, sometimes we have the babysitter and get out together. There is no right or wrong. We (the hubby and I) just decided that we both wanted to be part of our kids lives and we both wanted to pursue careers. So he's made some sacrifices and so have I. And I don't think our kids have suffered from it at all. They know they are loved and that they are our priority but that we also need to have a life for ourselves. And they are really happy, well-adjusted kids, which is all we can ask for at the end of the day.

As for the stay at home moms, some have great kids, some have absolute monsters. The ones with monsters tend to be the ones described above. They stay at home but they have nanny's to pcik them up and tend to them when they aren't in after school activities four, five, six days a week.

I actually know a kid who's mom doesn't do anything but shop, workout, lunch and involve herself heavily in the PTA and he has only one day (Sunday) free from activities. There are days when the kid has 2 after school things lined up and doesn't get home until 6 or 7 at night. It's an extreme example, I know, but there just isn't any right or wrong. And guess what? Her husband makes shitloads of money, she openly comments on her hatred of him (while he tells everyone he's just a pay check to her, which is probably true) and her kids are stressed beyond words.

[wonderina]

Originally Posted by buttmunch

Don't worry too much. It somehow all gets worked out. But A*O, I totally know what you mean about the Merc or Beemer SUV. And they're usually black, aren't they?

In my town they drive Suburbans with a soccer ball sticker on the back.

[AliceInWonderland]

I hate stay-at-home women; I think they're pathetic and a disapointment to their gender.
edit: women who work (at a profession) from home are cool in my book, my mommie managed to do that for a few years and it was nice to know she was there, just in case I needed her, when I was at school hiding/crying/puking in the bathroom stall

[Tati]

I would ideally like to either work part-time or work from home. It may very well be possible in my field, but I guess we'll see. It would be nice to be home a lot, to take care of both the kids and the house/garden, but not all the time. I do not want to be the type of parent outlined in the article, but I'm not one for being in the office all day either, even without kids. A three-day week, or purely freelance work, would be perfect.