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Thread: Man Sets House on Fire While Trying to Boil His Dildos Clean

  1. #1
    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    Oct 2005
    fellow traveller

    Default Man Sets House on Fire While Trying to Boil His Dildos Clean

    Man Sets House on Fire While Trying to Boil His Dildos Clean

    Mark Shrayber

    32 minutes ago

    Here's a cautionary tale for your Tuesday: Be very careful when cleaning your marital aids, you may just set your entire house (and the internet) on fire and then everyone will remember you as "the dude who burned down a house cleaning objects he pushed up his butt." And that kind of title is going to stick with you. Forever.
    This tale, first posted by BroBible, comes from Reddit, the internet's confessional, where one man just had to let his shame out. And shame is right. What other things are you going to feel after setting your house on fire while trying to boil a few dildos clean? Also, real quick: Is that a thing? Don't you just wash them real good? I know a former roommate used to put them in the dishwasher (gross, reason I moved out) but putting them into a pot to boil? What are you making? Cum-glop soup?
    Here's the whole story, which scores a one on the Reddit karma-whoring scale. That means I totally believe it because I have also accidentally almost burned down everything in my immediate vicinity while being distracted by the TV or the telphone.
    My wife and I had a minor argument last night, so I figured I'd start the day on a positive note. Get some cleaning done, tidy up around the house, make everything extra nice while she relaxes. Among other things that needed cleaning, we had several sex toys (silicone dildos) that we'd neglected to attend to. Wanting to be thorough, I brought these downstairs, set them in a small pot of water to boil (element on MAX setting), and headed upstairs for a moment to call my dad and wish him well. Quick convo with my dad turns into an involved talk with mom and dad, and about 15-20 minutes later, suddenly my smoke alarm is loudly going off. Having completely forgotten about the dildo boil, I casually get up and prepare to disarm the "false alarm" taking place in my house… until a huge waft of black, inky smoke winds its way around the bedroom door.
    I immediately think "WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING HELL IS BURNING" and at the same time hear my wife scream " WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!". I rush downstairs into a kitchen billowing disgusting, black smoke, and see a massive pillar of flame exploding upwards out of the tiny pot, which by now has been boiling dry for probably a few minutes. Wife is panicky, trying to activate the (luckily right at hand) fire extinguisher, failing with it, hands it to me and I finally manage to blast the noxious dildo blaze with the entire contents of the extinguisher.
    Set the scene for you… Entire house is blanketed in a disgusting, probably highly toxic smog of burnt silicone, with tiny pieces of chemical ash over everything in the kitchen… I put on two surgical masks and run upstairs to open the windows — dumb move in retrospect, could've passed out up there and totally died — but at least this averts everything in our upstairs being ruined by dildo smog.
    Moral of the story? Don't ever clean your dildos. Buy the cheap ones and dispose of them immediately. Keep yourself and your loved ones safe.
    Image via Shutterstock
    BITTER and Kittylady like this.
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

  2. #2
    Elite Member BITTER's Avatar
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    Mar 2009


    The first Darwin award of 2015!
    Good luck getting a cat to do anything let alone join in on your sexcapades. - Air Quotes

  3. #3
    Elite Member Sleuth's Avatar
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    Vegemite Land


    He survived to tell the tale.. that automatically disqualifies him from the award. Instead he may have an Honorary Darwin Award. Better luck next time.
    Kittylady likes this.
    Alicia Silverstone: "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

  4. #4
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    Aug 2012


    They had several sex toys (silicone dildos) that they had NEGLECTED TO ATTEND TO (clean) .. .. damn that's sooo naaastaaay!

    Hahahaha.. awesome article sputnik, thank you for posting it.
    Last edited by *Wookie-Chick*; January 6th, 2015 at 09:45 PM. Reason: Forgot to add something.. wot a shock.. haha ;)

  5. #5
    Elite Member mtlebay's Avatar
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    Oct 2005


    Talk about hot sex!!
    Go Habs Go!!

  6. #6
    Gold Member Dorahacky's Avatar
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    Nov 2006
    In perpetual motion


    Even after admitting to all that, poor guy was STILL too ashamed to fess up to being from Florida... .
    Kittylady likes this.
    We all like to think we're so special. But in the end, we all do the same stupid shit. - Dennis Miller

  7. #7
    Gold Member Jazzy's Avatar
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    Mar 2012


    This dim bulb need to shop at amazon more often, he can buy sex toy cleaner.

    Last edited by Jazzy; January 7th, 2015 at 07:31 PM. Reason: add picture

  8. #8
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Aug 2008


    Why is there a stock photo of a flaming dildo? Why?
    As Canadian as possible under the circumstances


    "What's traitors, precious?" -- President Gollum

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