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Thread: Bacon shortage coming says the Brits

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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Default Bacon shortage coming says the Brits

    Unavoidable Bacon Shortage is not real - ComPost - The Washington Post

    Posted at 06:30 PM ET, 09/26/2012
    Unavoidable Bacon Shortage is not real

    By Alexandra Petri


    This may well be the happiest day of my life.

    I have just heard the three words that mattered most, those three words that every girl longs to hear at some moment in her life.

    No Bacon Shortage.

    At Slate, Matthew Yglesias points out that the dolorous reports from the UK’s National Pig Association of an “unavoidable bacon shortage” have been greatly exaggerated.

    Yes, the price of bacon will rise, possibly by as much as 2.5 percent, an aftershock from the drought that drove up the price of corn and other crops used to feed pigs. But it will not be the nightmare we had imagined.

    There is no unavoidable bacon shortage.

    People saved from guillotines during the French Revolution: I know, now, what you felt. People snatched at the last minute from the jaws of certain destruction: I understand.

    Some say that Hell is the absence of God. For me, Hell is the absence of bacon.

    What I had been picturing, when news came of the impending Unavoidable Bacon Shortage, was something like that new NBC show where all the lights on earth are suddenly extinguished. Small packs of bacon-starved, wild-eyed villagers would rove the countryside with crossbows, scanning the ravaged landscape for any sign of wild hogs.

    City-bound, and lacking any survival instincts beyond the vague understanding that it is unwise to cross when the red hand is flashing, I would be forced to descend to the depths in order to satiate my cravings. I would stand under streetlights late at night with my hands in my pockets. Finally, a stranger would approach. “Hey, lady,” he would mutter. “You look like you could use a little arteriosclerosis.”

    I would visit bacon speakeasies, murmuring, “Hogwash,” to shady men in porkpie hats. They would nod and allow me upstairs, into the midst of the baconal (bacchonal? bacon-chanal?), where F. Scott Fitzgerald and his friends would be sitting around furtively smoking entire hams.

    Perhaps the rest of the bacon hoarders would move underground, listening to ham radio (“You know what’s great? Ham!”) and fondling our jerky as we gazed up at framed pictures of the Bacon Sundae.

    Thank heavens no such fate is forthcoming. I’d gladly pay more for bacon. I can save money by eliminating the monthly ritual where I buy milk, drink none of it, and have to throw it away weeks later when the unopened bottle threatens to explode.

    My love of bacon is well documented.

    I wish I had known this sooner, because I put all my money into bacon, and now I feel rather foolish, like those people who sold all their belongings and arranged for pet care in preparation for the Rapture. But better this than the alternative.
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    This is all very good news. I'd love to go to a bacon speakeasy though.
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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    To get into the bacon speakeasy, you must know the knock and then snort 3 times. Wearing a curly tail helps you get in too.
    BITTER and Waterslide like this.
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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    Ooh, a curly tail! I'd love to add that to my wardrobe.

    I was thinking of bacon martinis. You can't have a speakeasy without booze.

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    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
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    Another term for speakeasy is blind pig. Coincidence?
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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    I like that term blind pig! They must have known bacon shortage would one day happen and wanted to plan ahead. lol
    "AND WHEN YOU BECAME DENISE, I TOLD ALL YOUR COLLEAGUES, THOSE CLOWN COMICS, TO FIX THEIR HEARTS OR DIE."

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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sluce View Post
    To get into the bacon speakeasy, you must know the knock and then snort 3 times. Wearing a curly tail helps you get in too.
    funny, thats how you get into my house too.

    i heart bacon
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    Elite Member BITTER's Avatar
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    Bacon is the only vice I have left. That and masturbating.
    I prefer bacon actually.
    Good luck getting a cat to do anything let alone join in on your sexcapades. - Air Quotes

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    Elite Member Kathie_Moffett's Avatar
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    The association of bacon and masturbation made me think of Caramel.
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    Elite Member *DIVA!'s Avatar
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    There's a bar here called Bad Decisions in Fells Point who holds a bacon happy hour once a month... Then there's a bacon festival in the Spring..
    darksithbunny likes this.
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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    If there's to be a shortage of bacon then some people will have to go. Less people = less shortage. **sharpens knives**
    msdeb, MontanaMama, sluce and 3 others like this.
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    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    Yea a bacon shortage would be so fucking uncool. I'm not a big meat eater but damn, I am powerless to bacon. Mmmmmmmmm bacon.

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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by witchcurlgirl View Post
    Another term for speakeasy is blind pig. Coincidence?
    I think not!
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Global bacon shortage? Stephen Colbert blames Obama and 'creeping Sharia law' - NBC News Entertainment

    Global bacon shortage? Stephen Colbert blames Obama and 'creeping Sharia law'By NBC News staff

    Stephen Colbert was in rare form on Wednesday, offending a laundry list of religions with his political theories behind the pending bacon shortage and the movement to get people praying for a Romney win.

    Not surprisingly, the bacon story came first. The expected dearth in the supply of America’s favorite breakfast meat has been all over the news, and Colbert isn’t buying the explanation that a drought is the cause.

    “Just think about it -- who’s not supposed to eat bacon? Well, Jews first, but most of the Jews I know eat it anyway. No, I’m talking about the really observant Jews -- Muslims. They won’t even touch bacon. Which means this bacon shortage is nothing less than creeping Sharia law.”

    “You know who I blame? Barack Obama. I have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to Islamic extremists, and now the chicken schwarma is coming home to roost,” he said. The next thing you know, Cat Deeley is hosting ‘So You Think You Can Dervish.”

    Which would be far from the most bizarre reality show on TV today.

    Praying to save America
    But anyone worried that Colbert would spend the whole show on Islam didn’t need to worry. He soon turned the topic over to Christianity. More specifically, the “40 Days to Save America” website that asks pastors and congregations to commit to asking God for help electing their desired candidates, arguing that “prayer + fasting + action equals change”

    “That’s amazing. Usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out,” Colbert said.

    The pastor behind the movement, Rick Scarborough, helped launch Rick Perry’s presidential campaign with a prayer rally. We all know how that turned out. But as Colbert noted: “Pastor Scarborough did credit the rally with ending the drought in Texas. So clearly his prayers work on natural disasters, which is a perfect match for the Romney campaign.”


    As for its effects?

    “This prayer will help Mitt Romney win over undecided voters, especially the biggest undecided voter of them all -- God. I mean, he may be all-knowing, but he would still like to know a little bit more about Mitt’s tax returns," according to Colbert. "In fact, God is three undecided voters – the father, son and holy spirit. And you have to figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair and the loaves and fishes handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!”

    But if Jesus is a long shot under that scenario, Colbert thinks this approach has a better shot with God, who as traditionally depicted fits the Romney demographic.

    “He’s old, male, vengeful, and he lives in a gated community.”
    Sojiita and MohandasKGanja like this.
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    Fuck, no! Bacon is one of my sole guilty pleasures. I need my morning bacon!

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