The Top 100 Unsexiest Men for 2008

ingi · March 28th, 2008, 10:30 AM

The 100 Unsexiest Men
Another year, children, another list of bores, bluffers, scammers, hypocrites, quacks, blimps, and ugly-buglies. We’ve sorted them out and, after meticulous and carefully calibrated calculations, determined exactly who are the unsexiest men of 2008.

We’re not talking about mere un-handsomeness or bodily imperfection here. We’re not talking about bad-hair days or bad breath. No, compared with the characters we’re about to unleash on you, your average lump (or indeed, your average male Phoenix staffer) is a walking Michelangelo masterpiece. These are, for the most part, men whose behavior is so wretched, whose character is so flawed, that it transcends traditional definitions of attractiveness.

[98] FAT EMINEM
ROTUND RAPPER
It's entirely possible that the rumors of Mr. Mathers's weight problem have been taken — pardon the pun — out of proportion. But
if packing on a few pounds is keeping him out of the spotlight, then we can't really say we mind all that much.

[92] ADNAN GHALIB
EX-BRITNEY BEAU
One of the saddest small details of Britney Spears's recent downward spiral was her being spotted dating the very bottom-feeding parasites who've turned her life into a horror show of never-ending surveillance. In this celebrity version of Stockholm syndrome, Adnan was puppetmaster general.

[84] BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL
JAILHOUSE JUNKIE
Mr. Amy Winehouse is such a degenerate loser that he makes Pete Doherty seem like a model citizen. Already locked up in jail for assault and witness tampering, it was in prison that BFC reportedly almost offed himself with a heroin overdose.

[82] MICHAEL JACKSON
BOY SCOUT
Though you'd think it would be physically impossible because he consistently sets the bar so high, this dude just get exponentially creepier every year. Off the charts.

[78] CHRISTIAN SIRIANO
PROJECT RUNWAY IRRITANT
Annoying Project Runway twat may be destined to revolutionize the fashion industry. How this hot tranny mess can design clothes like that while looking/sounding like the love child of Robert Smith and Dana Carvey's Church Lady is beyond us.

[64] CHRIS DAUGHTRY
CORRECTION: ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT IS OVER
Having inherited Nickelback's fan base (and maybe Chad Kroeger's beard barber, too?), American Idol's second-most-talented reject is neither a terrible singer nor an evil guy. It's just that he's as bald as BatBoy and about as original as a Mike Barnicle column. Dude: Eddie Vedder called, he wants his vibrato back. And if we hear that overly husky "I'm comin' home" song one more time, our ovaries are going to dry up and turn to sand.

[60] PETE WENTZ
FALL OUT BORE
Fall Out Boy? Actually, Fell-Off Boy is more like it. After failing to interest the Interweb in pix of his wiener, FOB's wannabe hipster made an ill-advised foray into designing for DKNY. Yes, we had FOB shlub Patrick Stump on our list this past year, but given recent developments, we've decided we'd rather glom onto his fat ass than deal with Ashlee Simpson's sloppy seconds.

[57] JUDAH FRIEDLANDER
HOMELY HIPSTER
The resident troll of TV's 30 Rock hides under trucker hats festooned with ironic slogans. And while he seems amusing and harmless enough, his greasy mullet and "I totally just ate a booger" vibe still trigger our gag reflex.

[54] BILLY RAY CYRUS
STAGE DAD
Sure, your babygirl Miley has single-handedly kept the music industry in business these past two years. But what kind of achy-breaky stage dad bum-rushes his tweenybopper daughter's career to throw his hound-dog mug back in the limelight? And why — dear God, why? — the soul patch?

[48] DANE COOK
LAUGH LIFTER
Boston-bred elfling/frat boy is the Godsmack of comedy: he maintains one of the highest banality-to-popularity ratios in America. That is, when he's even writing his own material. To suck as bad as he does while ripping off material from other comedians (such as is claimed by comics Louis C.K. and Joe Rogan, among others) is even more pathetic. (That the cleverness of the bits he is stealing rises to the intelligence level of "Itchy Asshole" doesn't do him any favors in the sexiness department, either.)

[43] MATT LAUER
MORNING-SHOW CHESTAFARIAN

Though at one time a pin-up news anchor, closer inspection revealed that this soft-core journalist had nothing really going for him in the looks department: the Dickensian nose, the receding hairline, those fangy incisors warping his patronizing smile into a wolf-like sneer. And then he took off his shirt. Cue supermarket tabloid browsers Macing themselves in the aisles.

[41] BILL CLINTON
CIGAR AFICIONADO
It's not just that he rhino'd his wife's sure-fire shot at following his presidency — after all, the last time Bill screwed over Hillary, his approval ratings (and his sex appeal) went through the roof. No, it's also that Father Time has not been kind to him. The alabaster ex-prez's grandmotherly demeanor — that bulbous nose! that wiry white hair! — now conjures none of his notorious past as Oval Office blowjob king, but instead reveals a souring senior citizen sapped by a soul-sopping marriage — seemingly a sexless one. And rightly so.

[040] BRET MICHAELS
POISON PENIS
Oh, for the love of Christ, someone put this guy out of his misery. After two seasons of Rock of Love, the end (of Bret's pecker) can't be far off, given the parade of freakish plastic-surgery disasters and Hazmat porn stars who've lap-danced their way on set for a chance to tongue the toad and maybe land a croaky, personalized rendition of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Once accustomed to sloppy seconds, Michaels is now just sloppy: lumpy and oily, headband wound tight to cloak oddly shaped ears and rat's-nest hair extensions. He resembles Goldie Hawn on steroids, or maybe a swollen bear cub tangled up in a camper's leftover potty bandana.

[39] CHUCK NORRIS
GRAY-PUBED BLACK BELT
This punch-happy punch line's nonsensical career has for the past 10 years been sustained only by the American public's high tolerance for irony and dyed hair. Then, suddenly, he re-burst into almost relevance as . . . Mike Huckabee's sidekick. Quite a fall for the one-time-box-office-star-turned-Ed McMahon: he's now kicking it with the governor from a backwater state who believes the Earth is 6000 years old.

[35] ZAC EFRON
MR. TWEEN-JEANS
Was he the one who leaked that nude photo of High School Musical co-star and girlfriend Vanessa Anne Hudgens on the Internet? If so, then there's a special place for Zac Efron in the lowest concentric ring of celebrity hell, right next to any guy associated with Anna Nicole Smith. If not, well, Zac has still earned Unsexiest points for his laughable post-tween physical transformation. These days, Efron is sporting skinny ties, tight black trousers, dirty hair, eyeliner, and a Conor Oberst pout. Hey, Zacky: if you're going to play in Mommy's make-up, at least learn to blend it better.

[31] CHRIS CROCKER
TOO MANY TEARDROPS FOR ONE HEART TO BE CRYIN'
An androgynous vlogger — there's an appealing phrase, eh? — piled on a disturbing amount of eyeliner and turned on the sprinklers in his shrieking YouTube plea to "leave Britney alone!" It was an act that suggested Edmund Muskie in a Madonna video. Somewhere, John Waters is writing his next movie.

[27] ELI MANNING
HELMET HEAD
We don't care how many times this luckier-than-Las Vegas sonofabitch smacks down our beloved Pats: the mushier-faced of Mama and Papa Manning's pro-QB offspring is a total goober. The New York Football Giants' newly minted comeback kid utterly lacks the sultch and steam of even his older brother Peyton (also a grade-A goober). Eli's the boy next door . . . if your neighbor is a soft-brained, elephant-eared pigskin tosser.

[13] SAM LUTFI
BRITNEY'S BÊTE NOIR
You can't make this stuff up: a guy named Osama ("Sam" is just his nickname) swoops in and more or less kidnaps the biggest pop star on the planet, who also happens to be a suicidal, head-shaving mental patient. He allegedly drugs her, cuts her phone lines, calls her a whore and an unfit mother (well . . . ), then pimps her out to the gazillion paparazzi stationed outside her mansion door. "If you try to get rid of me," he reportedly told Brit's mom, "she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave." All from a guy who makes Phil Spector look like Captain Kangaroo.

[10] PEREZ HILTON
YENTA SKEEZE
Responsible newsman Perez Hilton (née Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr.) operates a cruel, bafflingly popular Web site about celebrities on which he posts unflattering photographs and defaces them with childish lettering and crude insults. The poodle-faced, pudgy, sometimes-pink-haired, openly gay blogger also has a penchant for outing actors who don't exactly want their sexual preferences discussed in the public sphere. We don't know who loathes him more, the closeted gays whom he shuns for wanting privacy, or the straight stars whom he mocks for being fat, ugly, bitchy, or all of the above. On that last count, at least, pot calling the kettle black, much?

[7] RYAN SEACREST
AMERICAN IDIOT
This creepy, diminutive, overly primped man-child with the carefully strategized five-o'clock shadow and more teeth than the title torture tool in the horror movie Saw IV has become the default unctuous, no-talent emcee for every meaningless event in the American pop-culture landscape. Uh, congratulations, Ryan, you're the new Dick Clark

[4] TOM CRUISE
MAD SCIENTOLOGIST
No matter if he's chiding other luminaries for their birthing preferences, or establishing vertical-leap records off sofas, we already knew Tom was nuts — he had us at "Hello, I'm insane." Now, though, it seems he's gone fully Cruisazy, starring in an off-the-cuckoo-charts, straight-to-YouTube promotional vid for Scientology. Highlight, among many: "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one that can really help." That's great, Tom. Now if you'll just bust out the Google Maps and plan a field trip with some of your Scientologist buddies to drive past Darfur.

[2] SPENCER PRATT
MTV'S LOSER HILLS-BILLY
For half a second, we hesitated putting this shamelessly self-promoting, pimply Hollywood dirtbag on the list, figuring, no matter how bad, he'd enjoy the publicity. But in terms of sheer pulsating, aggravating creepiness, the Spencer train barreled out of the station and there was no turning back. So, as much as we know he'll enjoy his moment as a regional/national laughingstock, whatevs.

[1] ROGER CLEMENS
'ROID-RAGING ROCKET

Considering Roger Clemens moth-eaten congressional testimony, this year's Unsexiest champ is a quadruple threat: baseball and legal talking heads say that he's a cheater, a liar/perjurer, a substance-abuser, and a world-class scumbag. The latter charge, mind you, reflects the fact that he threw under the bus not just his trainer pal Brian McNamee (who said he'd be willing to go to jail for Clemens) and trusted teammate Andy Pettite (whom he claimed "misremembers" testimony), but even his wife. His sexy status is further jeopardized by his Cro-Magnon mug (never have a player's looks been so betrayed by the removal of his ball cap) and, worse, the litany of grotesque anatomical details we've been forced to hear. As the Mitchell Report noted, "McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several-week period." Responded Clemens: "If he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead." Oh, is that what that is?

Source

SummerSwelter · March 28th, 2008, 10:58 AM

Funny stuff, I especially liked the Roger Clemens and Bret Michaels entries.

And while I'm partial to Daughtry because he's a country-boy who hails from my state, dude... get back to singing man songs.

CCkissesx · March 28th, 2008, 11:19 AM

I laughed out loud at the Osama Lufti one. I totally agree with the observations on Ryan Seacrest too!

msdebagain · March 28th, 2008, 11:36 AM

Chris Daughtry is on that list?????? you've got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! he's hot!

FierceKiten · March 28th, 2008, 11:38 AM

Well it pretty much named all poster children for abstinence.

Raspberry gashes · March 28th, 2008, 08:16 PM

Where is Justin Timberlake and Rumer Willis?

pinkbunnyslippers · March 28th, 2008, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msdebagain

Chris Daughtry is on that list?????? you've got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! he's hot!

It says it's not all about looks. It says "men whose behavior is so wretched, whose character is so flawed, that it transcends traditional definitions of attractiveness."