Jewel
We had a college girlfriend who once asked us to read and critique her neophyte poetry about unicorns and cloud lollipops and such. Ten bucks says that singer/yodeler/"poet" Jewel´s celeb relationships (Sean Penn, et al) ended the same way ours did.
Heche´s more prominent paramours include Steve Martin (funny, banjo aficionado), Ellen DeGeneres (funny, lover of TV kitsch), Lindsey Buckingham (guitar genius, strung-out in the ´70s), and Coley the Camera Guy She Married for a Little While (adept with cameras, probably). In light of all this, it´s probably safe to say that she doesn´t have a "type." Factor in her ravings about her alter ego—in her autobiography, she claimed to be Jesus´ half-sibling Celestia—and she´s more of a handful than 60,000 M&Ms… Sixty thousand bat-shit-insane M&Ms, that is.
True fact: She has never dated a singer or actor who doesn´t need a thorough delousing. The ratty-looking dude from Soul Asylum, Johnny Depp before he moved overseas and discovered soap, serial miscreant Christian Slater—the list goes on and on. Indeed, she is nothing if not a thief of hearts. See, that´s funny because she got popped for shoplifting a few years back. Wheee!
On one hand, Elfman has been with one dude for a long time and seems as loyal as a golden retriever. On the other, she once told an interviewer that, as a Scientologist, it was her "duty" to "clear the planet" of the "body thetan" aliens currently cohabiting with us here on earth. For what it´s worth, she later claimed to have been misquoted. "Girls of Scientology" would be the freakiest
Playboy spread of all time, and not in a good way.
Why? Mostly because we´re buffaloed by the wellspring of interest in her upcoming stint on
24 and had nowhere else to comment on it. That´s quite shrewd of the Foxies, counteracting the Republicans-run-the-network bleatings by bringing one of the shrillest, most hysterical lefties into the fold. Also, she might´ve dated Ben Stiller back in the day, or something.
Think back, if you will, to the days before "Angelina Jolie, African earth mother," back to when she gabbed so, so self-seriously about the possibility that she would never "take another lover." Still, all the adopting and U.N. ambassadoring in the world can´t rid us of the hard, cold memories of her boasts that she boinked Billy Bob Thornton in the limo on the way to some awards ceremony. Note to self: Do not tattoo current gal pal´s name on arm.
Even 20 years and multiple memorable roles later, it´s a little tough to separate Close the Thespian from Close the Lunatic
Fatal Attraction Bunny Assassin.
This perception is not helped by stories about her conduct toward the end of her relationship with Woody Harrelson, which included an oft-circulated answering-machine-message rampage.
The gold standard for castrating celebrity girlfriends. Shortly after joining up with Yoko, John Lennon went from cowriting some of the most enduring songs in the history of music to dabbling in art noise (number 9! number 9!) and posing nude on album covers. In retrospect, it´s a real shame that nobody arranged a girl fight between her and Paul McCartney.
She has reportedly thrown down with everybody from Russell Crowe and Howard Stern to Billy Corgan and Trent Reznor to Pamela Des Barres and Drew Barrymore. Jim Carrey, Scott Weiland, Steve Coogan, Evan Dando… Holy Lord—compiling that list gave our computer genital warts.
Just imagine how bonkers a woman must be to get sued for sexual harassment by James Woods—yeah,
that James Woods, who rarely allows himself to be photographed without a nubile 18-year-old on each arm. Young claims now that Woods, in fact, was the spurned party and that his accusations ruined her career. We´ll never know for sure, we suppose. Truly, the truth is as elusive as a fart in a wind tunnel.
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