Amusing take on Victoria Beckham's new fashion book

buttmunch · November 7th, 2006, 04:50 AM

Quote:

The digested read

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That Extra Half an Inch by Victoria Beckham

Michael Joseph, £20

Tuesday November 7, 2006
The Guardian

I have no qualifications to write this book; that's why I've got someone else to do it for me. But let me share my insights anyway. First I'd like to knock something on the head. The idea that, once you have a bit of money, you start wearing couture and stilettos all day and live on caviar and champagne is just nonsense. They've both got far too many calories.
My own inspirations come from Grace Kelly, Jackie Onassis and Giacometti sculpture, but this book is not my attempt to tell you what or what not to do. It's my last chance to cash in on what remains of my fame before David retires.

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Even though I do love getting dressed up, jeans remain the staple of my wardrobe. They're so easy for staff to throw in the washing machine when they get dirty. Jeans that sag at the bottom are a nightmare and I was thrilled when Rock and Republic allowed me to use the GCSE in textiles that I nearly passed to put my name to a design that someone else made. You won't be able to afford them, though, so you should go to Gap.
"Victoria is a fashion icon and she spends a lot of money in our shops" - Christopher Bailey, Burberry.

I'm a great fan of vintage T-shirts. A word about vintage, though: it's easy to get confused about the difference between vintage and second-hand and that's because they're basically the same. If you want to be safe, look for something that's ridiculously overpriced. Blouses and halter-necks don't really do it for me, though you can wear them if you want to look like you shop at Primark, but nobody should be without a £1,000 Chanel cardigan. Have a look in charity shops if you can't afford a new one.

Think twice before wearing a miniskirt. You might look like Naomi Campbell, but more likely you'll end up looking like that minger Jordan, who never slept with David no matter what she says. And going out wearing no knickers underneath - I'm mentioning no names here! - just makes you look like a right slapper. Try wearing a pencil skirt, like me. They are so classy - especially if you buy them from Roland Mouret or Alexander McQueen. Empire-line dresses are also perfect for those bloated days when you've eaten breakfast.

"I am grateful for the possibility of being close to Victoria's credit card" - Roberto Cavalli.

Every girl should have masses of accessories. I couldn't live without my Manolos or Christian Louboutins and I never go out without throwing on my Chanel sunglasses. Make sure you always take a friend with you when you go shopping - it's so useful to have someone to carry the bags - and remember, if you can't find exactly what you're looking for, there are plenty more outlets in Paris, Madrid and New York. The one accessory over which I would advise caution is a tattoo - I love mine and David's to bits but you should always check they're spelt right.

Your bra doesn't have to match your knickers, but make sure you buy one that fits. Not everyone can aff ord a boob job - not that I've had one, mind, and even if I had, I would never have one as obvious as some people I can think of - and there's nothing worse than a bit of droop, if you get my meaning, girls! And do keep your thongs inside your jeans, unless they come from Agent Provocateur.

You can never spend too much money on hair and beauty products, unless you haven't got any. Using cheap shampoo makes your hair lifeless - and no one wants to look like they've got extensions. Finally, don't be afraid to be yourself. We all make mistakes from time to time. I once wore an Armani dress to a Dolce & Gabbana party! How dumb was that?

The digested read, digested: The bland leading the brand

http://books.guardian.co.uk/digested...941275,00.html

I love the reference to Giacometti. That absolutely cracked me up.

suede · November 7th, 2006, 05:44 AM

OMG that was hysterical

Raspberry gashes · November 7th, 2006, 07:10 AM

Is this real? I'm abit slow tonight.... and when I came to the part where she says those bolted on rocks on her chest are not a boob job, I figured this is fake. Fuuuuck how can she deny implants when shes a stick with big boobs; she was curvy in her spice girls days and had small boobs; what bullshit!