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Thread: Funny stuff Michael K posts !!!

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    Elite Member mistify's Avatar
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    Default Funny stuff Michael K posts !!!

    Dlisted's Michael K 's writing is always good for a chuckle so I thought I'd start a thread.. Of course I love whats in my signature!

    Todays funny to me was.... on the Adrienne Maloof, Nessir RHofBH divorce.

    "My kids best interest at heart"? This Mufasa-faced bitch can't be serious. She needs to stop injecting her face with RestyCollaBotoxwhatever and shoot her face up with a CLUE instead. Because if she really cared about her kids' best interest, she wouldn't embarrass them by sticking tinsel extensions in her hair all the time. No grown woman should have hair like a My Little Pony's ass. Bitch thinks she's Spectra.

    Posted by: Michael K

    Love love love the abuelita stuff and the shoe throwing !
    MmeVertigina and Lalique like this.
    "Shit, I think I just confused myself. QUICK! Somebody hand me chalk, a chalkboard and Will Hunting's brain!" michael k -dlisted

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    He makes me laugh so much! One after another. Love that man.
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

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    Elite Member mistify's Avatar
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    On Michael Phelps and his mom:


    "Debbie Phelps might be having a Chico's kind of day week month year life since she can accessorize her business casual floral blazer with her son's record-breaking 19th Olympic medal, but Fabio Scozzoli has something Michael Phelps will never have: built-in water wings. Yesterday, I bowed down to the mutant rotisserie chickens trapped in Robert Förstemann's thighs and today I'm bowing down to the aquadynamic cutlets trapped under Fabio's arms. I mean, the definition of blessed is being able to pay tribute to Phoebe Price's chicken cutlet cheeks just by making the Y in YMCA."
    "Shit, I think I just confused myself. QUICK! Somebody hand me chalk, a chalkboard and Will Hunting's brain!" michael k -dlisted

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    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    Love everything that comes out of this mans mouth/blog. I have introduced a few people to him, gotta share the love and laughs. It'll be a sad day when he stops blogging.....better not be for decades.

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    IDK if I'm the only one, but I hate it when he goes on vacation. The people he has fill in for him, try too hard, to be as funny as he is, and they fail miserably at it.
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    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    This one about Kunty Karl is genius:
    Oh, it's been much too long since we've all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl's ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It's practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:
    "Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back."
    Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That's like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I'm sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: "This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK".
    mistify and analyzer like this.
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    Elite Member mistify's Avatar
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    on Nicole Kidman and Zac Efrons movie The Paperboy=


    The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I'm hoping is 2012's biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that's it's that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron's chest by pissing on him. That's all you need to know. There's also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you've got Nicole's coochie raining on Zac's face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies.

    A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don't have to hear that crap, but let's focus on the positive like Nicole's white trash skank look. I know I've said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole's hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care:
    "Shit, I think I just confused myself. QUICK! Somebody hand me chalk, a chalkboard and Will Hunting's brain!" michael k -dlisted

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    mjw
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    Introducing Mr. And Mrs. Roxanne

    Everybody, gently place the words "fuck off" on the tip of your tongue, because it will launch out of your mouth as soon as you read the next sentence. Get it ready. Katie Price married her cross-dressing, cage-fighter boyfriend Alex Reid in Las Vegas this afternoon. AND RELEASE!

    The Princess Diana and Prince Charles of this generation kicked the dead horse that is marriage at a chapel at the Wynn Resort. Katie's publicist and a handful of TV cameras witnessed the blessed event. Katie's spokesbitch immediately issued this statement after the ten-second wedding.

    "Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other."

    HA! I love how her publicist has to point out that this is not a publicity stunt in anyway shape or form. Uh huh. I'm sure Katie wore a dress made out of Balloon Boy's runaway balloon, and Alex wore a tuxedo made out of Tila Tequila's fixed pregnancy tests. They toasted to their new union with flutes filled with OctoMom's amniotic fluid. The twinkle in Katie's eye was actually a shiny, gold dollar sign.

    You'll see it for yourself when these two fermented blood oranges are on the cover of OK! Magazine next week. But the cover won't be the same without Harvey Price on it, flipping us the bird. Sigh. Katie kept us from seeing Harvey in a white tuxedo. THAT (selfish) BITCH!

    Here they are shopping for rings before their wedding. The look on the woman's face in the first thumbnail says it all. I too puckered tighter than Roxanne's tuck when I first read this mess.


    Introducing Mr. And Mrs. Roxanne | Dlisted


    I loved this one.

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    Elite Member mistify's Avatar
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    On the Jackson saga:


    Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson were officially named co-guardians of Paris, Blanket and Prince today, and in her declaration, Mama Jackson took off her wig, got comfortable and let it all out. In the declaration, Mama Jackson threw a "here comes the truth, heffas" side-eye at Janet, Randy, Jermaine and Rebbie when she said that she suspects she was tricked into taking that trip to Arizona. Mama Jackson has seen the light and she's spilling the truth. "I've got all your numbers, hussies!" - Mama Jackson to her sneaky bitch ass kids

    TMZ says that Katherine was all set to drive to New Mexico to see her sons in concert, but then an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her that she should fly instead of taking a car. Katherine says she trusted her doctor, so she got on the plane, but was hit with a whole lot of WTF when she ended up in Tucson instead of New Mexico. When Katherine wondered why she was in Tucson, she was told that she has high blood pressure and needed to rest at a spa. If there's one thing a memaw can't resist, it's rest at a spa, so she went. When she got to the spa, her iPad and cell phone were taken away and the phone in her room was disconnected. Katherine couldn't even watch her stories on TV, because they shut the TV off. Suddenly she knew what it felt like to be one of Tommy Girl's wives.

    Katherine didn't know her grandchildren were going crazy on Twitter about her being missing and she was constantly told that Paris, Blanket and Prince were fine. Katherine went on to write in the declaration, "At the time, I trusted the people I was with to be honest with me."

    This leads me to the NEWS FROM THE GODS that fell onto my eyes like clouds made of glitter today. CNN says that Oprah has made the best decision of her career by giving La Toya Jackson a reality show on OWN. Unfortunately, La Toya's show isn't a reality version of Murder She Wrote and doesn't follow her as she solves crimes, but her show will still save the entire network. Oprah can thank Detective La Toya later. The thing is, La Toya's show doesn't air until 2013 and it hasn't even started shooting yet. So why didn't Randy and his band of plastic-faced kidnappers wait until La Toya's show started shooting before they put their scheme into motion?

    All the drama could've been captured in front of reality TV cameras and in the show's season finale, La Toya could've rescued Katherine from her spa prison! You know, Detective La Toya would've gone undercover as a maid, snuck into Katherine's room and escaped through the air conditioning vents before zip-lining across the property to a waiting helicopter. But noooo, Randy and those bitches would never let that happen, because they are jealous of La Toya and won't ever let her be great. Selfish bitches!

    Posted by: Michael K
    10 comments • I Don't Like Jokes
    "Shit, I think I just confused myself. QUICK! Somebody hand me chalk, a chalkboard and Will Hunting's brain!" michael k -dlisted

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    Linked above, about Kunty Karl's cat Choupette. My favorite of the year (so far.)

    [hope I'm posting this correctly]

    from-
    Hot Slut Of The Day! | Dlisted


    Thursday, June 7th 2012 Hot Slut Of The Day!





    Choupette Lagerfeld, Kunty Karl's precious Siamese kitten pet and the only creature on this planet whose soul he won't pour onto a white gold soup spoon and slurp on to recharge the orb of death in his chest. Every super villain queen needs a fluffy white pussy to pet while he plans world demotion and Kunty Karl has his.
    Choupette became Kunty Karl's sidekick kitty after his human Baptiste Giabiconi asked him to take care of her for two weeks last Christmas. Usually when Kunty Karl lays his eyes on a pile of fluff, he immediately orders his minions to skin it and turn it into a pair of Chanel nipple warmers, but he didn't do that with Choupette. Karl's dead heart cracked open and it started to beat for the first time since he was turned into a zombie vampire centuries ago. Kunty Karl immediately claimed Choupette as his own and hired two full-time maids to take care of her and document her every move in a diary. Kunty Karl tells WWD (via Fashionista):
    "She is a famous beauty. She is nine months old. Baptiste gave her to me for Christmas to watch for two weeks when he was away but then I refused to give her back. I thought she was too cute. She is like a kept woman. She has a strong personality. She has lunch and dinner with me on the table, with her own food. She doesn’t touch my food. She doesn’t want to eat on the floor. She sleeps under a pillow and she even knows how to use an iPad. She has two personal maids, for both night and day. She is beyond spoiled.
    We do keep a diary. When I am not there, the maids take down, in little books, everything she did, from what she ate, to how she behaved, if she was tired, and if she wasn’t sleeping. In the nine months, we already have almost 600 pages. Colette had written a lot about cats. I am not Colette, but I think it could be funny to make a little book of Choupette’s diary."
    That diary must be a thrilling read!
    9:25 - We spoon fed Choupette only TWO drops of Diet Coke so she won't get fat, and therefore become unlovable. As per your instructions.
    10:15 - We asked the in-house orchestra to play Mozart and we turned our backs to Choupette as she did her business on a bed of raw diamonds. As per your instructions.
    10:22 - As one member of your staff cleansed Choupette's non non hole with a cashmere cloth dipped in distilled Diet Coke, we gilded her shit and placed it on the shelf in the altar room devoted to her. As per instructions.
    And of course, Kunty Karl gave WWD a picture of his precious working an iPad:

    The world was already a strange place and now it's an even stranger place. I mean, Kunty Karl is having actual human feelings for a living, breathing creature? This is not supposed to happen! Nothing good can come out of this. First comes love for a kitteh, then comes Karl declaring he's a vegan, then comes Karl designing a plus-size line for Chanel, then comes Karl adopting the thing he hates most A CHILD (maybe even a fat one) so that Choupette can have a playmate. Then the dark clouds will go away forever and everything will be rainbows, smiley birds and sunshine. I know what's going on here. Choupette is obviously working for Kunty Karl's rival witch Donatella Versace and that pussy's sole mission is to turn him into Snow Fucking White. And she's slowly doing it. Who knew that a fluffy white pussy would be the one to bring down the evil kingdom of Kunty Karl?
    analyzer likes this.
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    Elite Member emkat's Avatar
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    I love the quote in my siggy. It was about Phil Spector's mug shot and could not be a more perfect description.
    I saw DEATH, an anorexic penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.--Michael K. on Phil Spector

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    Elite Member faithanne's Avatar
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    ^Thank you, I'd always tried to imagine what this creature he was describing looked like.

    Greys posted one of his best stories in another thread - the Halle Berry dog story which he derailed into a story about the dog of a guy he hooked up with. I'll go find it.

    Wednesday, September 29th 2010 That Dog.....





    Here's Halle Berry arriving at her new boyfriend Olivier Martinez's home in Paris and receiving a warm welcome from his dog friend. A dog friend that looks a little shifty in the eyes to me. A dog friend I don't really trust. A dog friend that takes me back...
    So, when I first moved to NYC (cue smoke and a rippling screen effect), I met some dude online late one night. We agreed to meet at some bar and eventually we ended up back at his apartment. As soon as he started to put his key in, I heard this bad omen of a bark coming from the other side of the door. The bark was so deep and angry that I knew what the princess felt like in Clash of the Titans when the Kraken was coming at her. Right before we go in, the dude says to me, "Oh, I have a dog." DUH! Either he has a dog, or his German grandmother should really quit the cigs.
    When we finally get inside, this gigantic beast of an animal immediately jumps on the dude and the two sort of slobber on each other while moving around a bit. Like they're in fucking Dancing with the Stars! Then the dog looks at me, and I'm thinking to myself "Fuck the internet" because I know I'm about to touch crotches with a dog. This is not how the game is supposed to play out.
    If you haven't already figured out by now, this dog was huge. Like "if Marmaduke was a Hogan" huge. Enormous. My main goal was just to get it done and get out of there. We get to business and quickly ended up on the bed. Well, guess who showed up and made himself comfortable without an invitation! THAT DAMN DOG! As soon as the buzz killing dog hit the sheets, the dude goes, "Oh, he has to get on the bed with me or he'll start whining." The hell? Here's the condom, I'll hit the mood music while I'm making my way out so you two can be alone!
    But since I'm the kind of slut who doesn't like to quit a gig until it's done no matter what the conditions are, I stayed.
    Things are starting to get a little wet and heavy, so the dude starts to moan a bit (yeah, he's one of those). This made me even more nervous, because what if the dog thought I was attacking his owner and bit my asshole off! That would be the worst. Image laying on your stomach in the ER and telling the doctors around you, "Um. A dog sort of bit my asshole off. It was unprovoked!" A dozen "Yeah, suuuure" looks would fill their faces as they search whatever is left of my asshole for peanut butter or dog gravy. Again, this is not how the game is supposed to play out.
    Just when I begin to forget about the spoiled dog, I hear him licking at his bits and it's loud! It sounded like my abuelita mopping the kitchen linoleum. That dog isn't only made of evil, it's made of saliva too. It's like he was joining in. You know, because we were licking each other's parts and there's the dog licking his right next to us. Menage a NO! NO! NO! That pretty much killed what was left of the moment, which wasn't much.
    I finally get through it, and just as I'm starting to put on my clothes the dude says, "You're not staying." UM. Did he not experience what I experienced?! Stay for what? So I could eventually end up sleeping on the Ikea rug on the floor while he spoons with Marmadevil on the bed? I couldn't get out of that hell hole of bestiality fast enough! But as I'm starting to leave, I look over at beast master and I swear that dog winked at me like, "Bye, whore." And you know it wasn't the first time or the last time he gave that wink.
    Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I hope Olivier Martinze's dog isn't anything like that or else Halle Berry better invest in some armor for her asshole.
    analyzer likes this.
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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Ah yeah, my fav MichaelK story ever.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

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    Silver Member Gilmourgirl's Avatar
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    The dog story kills me every time. I almost choked on a banana.

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    Elite Member FashionVictim's Avatar
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    I think he's a genius. I mean, some of the shit he writes is amazingly funny.

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