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Thread: Ricky Gervais’ opening script for the Academy Awards

  1. #1
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Default Ricky Gervais’ opening script for the Academy Awards

    Ricky Gervais’ opening script for the Academy Awards


    On 02.24.11, by Ryan Laster


    Say what you want to about Ricky Garvais’ performance at this years’ Golden Globes, but I thought he was genius. His delivery was spot on as was his humor, despite how harsh some might have found it. I heard this was the most watched Golden Globes ceremony in years, and all of that is thanks for Gervais.
    After that controversial job at the Globes, Gervais has taken it upon himself to write what he thinks should be the opening to this years’ Academy Awards. I would say he’s still a little sore at the backlash he received, especially after reading this script. My hat’s off to you, Mr. Gervais, and I bet the Academy Awards won’t be as entertaining as they would be if you hosted them. Read the full script after the jump.
    (Drum roll)
    V.O.
    Ladies and Gentlemen.
    Please welcome your hosts for this evening…
    James Franco and Anne Hathaway
    (Music and applause)
    (James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)
    James Franco
    Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,
    Live from Los Angeles.
    Anne Hathaway
    That’s foreign for City of Angels.
    And this room is certainly filled will those angels.
    (Applause)
    James Franco
    Thank you. I’m James Franco.
    Anne Hathaway
    …and I’m Anne Hathaway.
    James Franco
    You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.
    Anne Hathaway
    And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.
    James Franco
    It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.
    James Franco
    Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!
    Anne Hathaway
    No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.
    James Franco
    Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.
    Anne Hathaway
    But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…
    (Nervous laughter)
    He’s doing some charity work.
    Yeah, he’s visiting orphans with cancer.
    He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…
    James Franco
    Yeah, cos he’s rude right?
    (Applause)
    Thank you.
    No rudeness tonight.
    It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.
    (Applause)
    That’s not to say that we don’t care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they’d been living off dead beetles all their lives.
    Anne Hathaway
    Yeah and Yoko Ono said. “What’s wrong with that?”
    (Laughter)
    James Franco
    Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.
    (Nodding and smiling)
    That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.
    (Murmurs of agreement)
    Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,”Yes and my dentist hasn’t seen a penny.”
    Anne Hathaway
    Yeah, why doesn’t he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?
    James Franco
    It’s a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn’t have botox or suck up to important producers – there’s something wrong with him.
    Anne Hathaway
    There must be. Why isn’t the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?
    James Franco
    That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.
    Anne Hathaway
    Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that’s better than being fat right?
    James Franco
    You bet it is gorgeous.
    Anne Hathaway
    You are so handsome.
    James Franco
    Exactly.
    You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.
    Anne Hathaway
    Really?
    James Franco
    Yes. He’d often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.
    Anne Hathaway
    And then vomit right?
    James Franco
    No he left that bit out…
    (Mild laughter)
    Anne Hathaway
    That’s because he couldn’t get his fat fucking fingers in his stupid mouth.
    (Big laugh)
    James Franco
    Anyway let’s get this show on the road.
    There were some great kids’ movies this year.
    I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.
    Anne Hathaway
    Did you enjoy it?
    James Franco
    No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, “Who are you?” “You’re not my daddy.” “Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…”
    (Laughter)
    Anne Hathaway
    Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome.
    James Franco
    Absolutely.
    So let’s get this show on the road.
    Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss…
    The wonderful…
    Mel Gibson…
    (Standing ovation)
    And so on…


    Source: Ricky Gervais’ opening script for the Academy Awards
    "Creepy, like when Tom Cruise laughs." - Bloodhound Gang

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  2. #2
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    There should be a petition for Gervais to host everything - Oscars, MTV Awards, White House Correspondents Dinner, EVERYTHING.

    I might actually tune in for jabs like this -

    "Thank you.
    No rudeness tonight.
    It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners."

    Oh sweet jesus make it so!
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  3. #3
    Gold Member Miss A's Avatar
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    I was laughing through his whole bit (above).

    Quote Originally Posted by olivia View Post
    I might actually tune in for jabs like this -

    "Thank you.
    No rudeness tonight.
    It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners."
    LOVE that quote, that's exactly what it's going to be like, too. And why he was so funny at the Golden Globes.

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    That would be a scream! I wish they would steal it & actually use it.
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

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    Elite Member angelais's Avatar
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    I would pay money for that opening dialogue to actually happen.
    Did you know that an anagram for "Conscious Uncoupling" is "Iconic Uncool Pus Guns"? - MohandasKGanja

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    Elite Member lurkur's Avatar
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    Please tell me he has a simulcast during the show where he can actually entertain us in between when they announce the losers.

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    Elite Member angelais's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lurkur View Post
    Please tell me he has a simulcast during the show where he can actually entertain us in between when they announce the losers.

    Wouldn't that be awesome??
    Did you know that an anagram for "Conscious Uncoupling" is "Iconic Uncool Pus Guns"? - MohandasKGanja

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    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    I would pay money for that opening dialogue to actually happen.
    From EOnline:

    James Franco was a tad annoyed to learn that Ricky Gervais had generously penned a sample monologue for him and cohost Anne Hathaway to use on Sunday when they host the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.


    "He did his award show and he bombed. Why is he trying to get in on ours?" the 127 Hours star wondered as E! News' Jason Kennedy handed over his iPhone so they could check out Gervais' jokes.


    "Horrible. His lines weren't good on the Golden Globes," Franco insisted, though he started to read...


    But after he and Hathaway took turns reading a few lines—"I would like to point out that Ricky Gervais has written all of the jokes for James," Hathaway said—and realized that many of them were poking fun at the "fat British comic" himself, Franco acknowledged that maybe Gervais is a little bit funny.


    "I'll use some of these lines. Thanks, Ricky," Franco said.

  9. #9
    Gold Member Miss A's Avatar
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    ^ And so Ricky Gervais proves his point.

  10. #10
    Elite Member cmmdee's Avatar
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    They should have him host ever Oscars.

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