The 12-Step Program for a Lindsay Lohan Comeback
By Tracey Harrington McCoy Posted Feb 13th 2010 04:01PM
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Lindsay Lohan just can't stay out of the news. Just this week, her "she said/she said" dispute with ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson raised eyebrows, she made headlines for failing to appear on the arm of billionaire Richard Lugner at the Vienna Opera Ball (in what was to have been a paid appearance), and she ignited controversy with her Jesus-themed (crown of thorns and all) 'Purple Fashion Magazine' cover. Each week, it's something new bizarre. She's long-since turned into a punch line.
While many Hollywood observers think she's reached the point of no return, there are still some devoted fans (us!) hoping for a career resurrection. Lindsay's got the talent (see 'Mean Girls,' 'Bobby' and 'A Prairie Home Companion'), she just needs to make a few life changes and she'll be back on top. In fact, we've put together a 12-step program to help get her started. Pay attention Lindsay, we just might be saving your career. Now put down the bottle and start reading.
1. Stop fake tanning. You're orange. We can see the lines. It's not flattering.
We totally understand that you have a spray-tan line and need to promote it. But maybe cut back on the number of applications? It's makes you look a lil' greasy. You wear some incredible, fashion-forward dresses on the red carpet, but they're being overlooked by fashionistas more concerned with your oompa-loompa orange feet or the lines down your leg. When the tan looks fake, it's just not working.
2. Dye your hair back to red. Don't change the color any more. Ever.
You're absolutely stunning as a redhead. The bleached-blond color looks abrasively fake, washes you out and makes the faux tanning even more obvious (see step 1). The auburn locks differentiated you; they separated you from the rest of the Hollywood pack. There are already more than enough blonde beauties in Hollywood. Go back to your natural color -- it suits you. Period.
3. Look to Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow and Reese Witherspoon for style cues. Think Classy. Think Chic. NO MORE LEGGINGS.
This is pretty self-explanatory, but just in case it's not clear -- please start wearing a bra. Stop replacing pants with sheer leggings or tights. Start wearing tailored clothing. Call in for some threads from Michael Kors or Ralph Lauren. Go edgy in a chic little number by Zac Posen (you have the legs for it).
4. Publicly apologize to Jane Fonda for your on-set antics during the filming of 'Georgia Rule.'
She's a Hollywood icon and you want her on your side. Just pick up the phone and call her. Take her to lunch. Beg for forgiveness. You need to make amends for past mistakes. And while you're at it, call up your 'A Prairie Home Companion' co-star Meryl Streep, and ask if you can talk to her about future roles. Take notes. Ms. Streep has said some nice things about you in the past, and that is a pretty big deal. Streep can do no wrong. Soak it in.
5. Cut Ali loose. You just can't have her following you around anymore.
Should you cut your little sister out of your life? Absolutely not. But stop taking her to clubs. She's 16. It's illegal! (Also, feel free to print out these instructions and give them to her too. In fact, they're applicable to everyone in your family.)
6. Stop tweeting about Samantha Ronson.
One of the first steps in earning back some credibility with your peers and audience will be being more selective about what you reveal to the public. And this includes tweeting. Movie stars used to work feverishly to protect their privacy. Not knowing their every thought added to their appeal. They were a mystery worth solving. You don't have to quit Twitter, just don't tweet about your personal life. Ever.
7. Stay away from Paris design houses.
Lets just call your experience as "artistic adviser" at Ungaro what it was: a travesty. You may know clothes as a consumer, but without any formal training, you're simply not apt to design them.
8. Take a year hiatus from partying.
Seriously, stop it. You're killing your talent little-by-little each time you hit the clubs. How much more can your body take? Taking a break will clear your head and show Hollywood you're dedicated to fixing your career. It's a win-win prospect. Disappear for a little bit and give everyone a breather from the daily "Lindsay Lohan did what?" mania that has plagued your life these last few years. Maybe go hike the Inca trail and take in the view at Machu Picchu. We hear it's incredible.
9. Pretend 'I Know Who Killed Me' never happened.
We won't say a word if you don't.
10. Call Tina Fey.
Acknowledge her brilliance and brainstorm a way to work together again (see 'Mean Girls' above). She liked you at one point. Prove to her you're worth endorsing again and your comeback will be so much easier. We promise.
11. Do not invite 'The Insider' into your house again. Ever.
When people say "there's no such thing as bad publicity," they are lying. Allowing 'The Insider' to paint you as some sort of "celebrity hoarder" was not a good move. It only reinforced some people's belief that you're facing some very serious problems. And no one is going to sympathize with the fact that you have racks upon racks of unworn clothing in the middle of a recession when one-in-ten people are unemployed. In fact, some people might even resent you for it. Donate the clothes to a good cause, and show everyone how nice you can be. People like nice.
12. Land a supporting role in an indie movie. Take over Sundance 2011 with a scene-stealing performance.
We know you have it in you. Indie projects are often looking for major starts to subvert on screen (see Mariah Carey in 'Precious'). Think intimate family drama or maybe a lower-budget costume dramady ('Emma' put Gwyneth Paltrow on everyone's radar back in 1996). You can do this. We have faith in you.
Linds, more people are rooting for you than you think. It's time to stop messing around and start your comeback. Because really, who likes a triumphant return more than Hollywood?
The 12-Step Program for a Lindsay Lohan Comeback | PopEater.com
Aw! Butt, you've got a pal!