First, let's be clear – if you're genuinely uncomfortable with being tied up, or with any other sex act for that matter, don't do it. The question then becomes how to tell him you don't want to. But before you decide, let me say a few quick words about bondage and why it doesn't have to be as scary as it sounds. If you think of sex as a kind of game, then bondage is like fencing – not everyone wants to try it, but when practised safely, there's no harm in it. Bondage may be relatively uncommon, but it isn't abnormal. The trick is in establishing your own boundaries without passing any judgment on your partner's pleasures.
Who enjoys bondage?
Remember that scene in Gone With the Wind where Rhett Butler seizes Scarlett O'Hara, takes her up to bed and ravishes her? Some of us like to take on more power in bed, others like to relinquish it – and it seems to have nothing to do with the way we conduct ourselves outside of the bedroom. One woman told me that it was only when her lover tied her up that she was able to stop feeling guilty about not pleasing him at the same time. For many, putting themselves in someone else's hands is a reassuring release of responsibility. Relaxation and enjoyment are key, though. You must be completely comfortable with, and trusting of, your partner before engaging in any sex act that involves being tied up. It's not something I'd recommend for casual relationships or one-night flings.
When it just isn't your thing
If you're already sure that being tied up is not for you, so be it. Here's how to break it to him: be clear about your limits and non-judgmental about his desires. Decide exactly what you are and aren't willing to do. Then tell him that while bondage just doesn't appeal to you, you know you can still have a great sex life together. Don't imply that he's abnormal or fault yourself for being prudish. These are labels that will interfere with your ability to discuss sex openly and honestly as a couple.
Negotiate a compromise
Sex doesn't have to be all or nothing. Often just the suggestion of something can prove highly erotic. These simple things might work to satisfy both of you: simulating bondage by holding on to a scarf that's been wrapped around the bedpost and tugging on it, not moving until he tells you to or just having a bit of fantasy-talk about being unable to move. Keep at it! You'll know you've found the right balance when you don't feel uncomfortable and he doesn't feel disappointed. Or why not come up with an entirely new erotic situation you both find appealing? How about a sexy game of Truth or Dare? Or make up your own game. Whatever you do, your first responsibility is to take care of yourself sexually – it makes the sex better for both of you!
Sex educator Chanelle Gallant is a psychotherapist. She also manages Good for Her, a women-oriented sex shop and workshop centre in Toronto.
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