So I'm Getting A Divorce...

ralphycnan · January 10th, 2006, 11:58 AM

and it kind of sucks. My husband and I have decided to separate. It's weird, we've been through so much crap and I think this is finally it. So we got a house early last year and it's been so stressful trying to keep it. We've learned that we have to sell the house, we can no longer keep it. The mortgage payment is way ridiculous. He blames me for not keeping the financials in order, when he's the one that used to buy stuff with the ATM card and not tell me until I saw them posted online.
The last couple of months have been really tough. The stress was killing me, I can't eat, I have IBS, I'm losing weight, I can't sleep and it's all because of the stupid house. So he told me to leave that he hates me and that he trusted me with his financials but he wasn't helping either, he says that he would have prefered that I cheat on him. I mean when I would tell him that he couldn't buy stuff he made me feel so bad and I would just give in. I guess our relationship wasn't as good as I thought it was. We had our cellphone together under his name and he asked for it and the key to the house. I gave them to him without even putting up a fight.
I mean I put up with alot of crap from him, I have forgiven him alot. He's done so much to me and I have forgiven him. But he just told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. So I left last night, I stayed at a hotel. He said that he would keep the kids since he makes more money than I do, and he puts me down because of that. You know I feel kind of numb and sad. But I can't cry anymore, I can't feel like this anymore, I need to move on without him.

Elise · January 10th, 2006, 12:00 PM

Aww--I'm so sorry. That sounds like an awful situation.
I really really hope you get everything worked out.

fahQ · January 10th, 2006, 12:05 PM

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I guess that goes hand in hand with this type of thing. Just hang in there. I know it's cliche', but time heals all wounds. If there is this much stress and unhappiness in your marriage, this is probably the best for all of you. Keep your head up, and don't let the bastards get you down. I wish you the best in your endeavors.

darksithbunny · January 10th, 2006, 12:08 PM

What are you doing? You need to go back to that house and make him leave. Then, you need to go find a lawyer. Has he said things like this to you before? Is he all talk?

You need to go back, NOW. He can get you for "abandoment". Custody of the children? WHY? They need you. You are all they have. From what you said, it sounds like he is a child himself. You may have to pay child support no matter if he does make more than you. Please listen, I use to work for a lawyer.

You have IBS. You are ill. Yes, ill. You need not to have to worry about where you are going to live. Not a hotel. PLEASE. I beg you, go back. It is your house too. Don't let it go. I know you are hurting. I know you can't eat. GO HOME. That is the only way you are gonna be better.

Have you been to a doc for your IBS? If you have or haven't, go. You need some meds. IBS-C or IBS-D? Get some pain meds. Some Vicodin or Tylenol 3. Something. Tell your doc about your marriage break up. Do you have family out there with you? Friends?

Drink water. You need it for the IBS. Try getting some baby rice cereal. That helps me when I have IBS flareups.

Everything will be ok. You are worth more than you feel right. Please believe that. BUT don't let him have everything. You will regret it later. TRUST ME.

moocow · January 10th, 2006, 12:16 PM

Get a lawyer! Do whatever you have to to get one. But before plunking down a retainer, even if you've had a referral, be sure to go in to a meeting with the lawyer, along with several questions. That will really help you get a feel for the lawyer. Talk to several lawyers before you pick one. I wish I'd done that with my divorce, but when I needed a lawyer a year after it was finalized, that's how I found a really excellent one. As for the retainer, borrow, beg, whatever you have to do, get what you need.

He can't demand the children, the house, or anything of the sort. He's not entitled because he earns a higher paycheck. Also, watch the money situation, until one of you files, he could withdraw it all and nothing could be done.

Also find out what you have to do to maintain that you have a vested interest in the house. I've heard of couples having to live together in the same house, or the one that moves out has to go over there and do maintenance, including mowing the lawn, etc, to prove that they maintain their interest in the house.

Good luck! Sorry this is happening. I had a financially irresponsible ex-husband who liked to blame it on me as well.

ralphycnan · January 10th, 2006, 12:35 PM

Yeah I did just get married, but we've been together for like 9 years now. I've left because I always tell him that I'm leaving or I'll take a couple of things and then I'll come back a few hours later. But I don't need to be around him to make me feel worse or belittle me. I do need my kids but until I get somewhere to say that's going to be stable, I don't think that I'll take them with me. He won't be able to handle a schedule with kids and he'll just tell me to take them. I'm sure of this. I'll probabaly just ask my parents if I can stay with them for a while, but right now I don't want my family members to know. We always fight and I don't think that they'll take me seriously. I don't want to be the gossip of the family right now, I'm to emotional for that right now. What's sad is that I don't even have friends because I've dedicated the last 9 years of my life to him and the kids. I pretty much have no where to go, so I'll have to ask my parents.

AliceInWonderland · January 10th, 2006, 12:44 PM

omg Ralphy I was wondering where you have been! but I thought that you were just off having a good life w/ your husband and kids; I had no idea you were going through this crap! Stop putting yourself down; you don't deserve it and I'm just totally shocked cause I know you just got married and got the house and now this. I'm really sorry, and I can't say anything really that'd really help except to stay strong for your kids and that you're still young and beautiful and can have happiness in your life once again, just take it 1 day at a time and please take care of yourself, if not for yourself, then for your kids who love and need you. *hugs*!

Tenaj · January 10th, 2006, 12:48 PM

Oh no Ralphy, that sounds awful. I don't know if I can add more advice as the posters here have given you amazing, fantastic words of encouragement especially darksithbunny.

The thing to remember is that this is happening for a reason and as another poster said, if thats how things were then this maybe for the very best. It will not seem like it now and I'm sure you are overly stressed with all that is going though your mind at the moment, it will be tough but you will get to the other side. What hurts us makes us stronger.

I agree you shouldn't be the one to stay in a hotel, you need people around you. Letting these problems stew in your head will make you feel worse. If however you do need to wait a few days to tell your parents then I hope at least this site will give you enough release to vent. It never works to keep it all bottled up.

I hope you will be feeling better soon *hugs*

AliceInWonderland · January 10th, 2006, 01:01 PM

Yeah ^ Ralphy, go back to the house and watch the bank account, Everything is half-yours no matter who makes more money, thats what marriage is all about.

LynnieD · January 10th, 2006, 01:06 PM

Wow Nancy, I am really sorry to hear about this. I think the previous posters have made some excellent points---you have to look out for YOU (and your kids), as it is likely that your hubby will NOT be looking out for you. Sad, but true. I can only imagine how difficult it is, and I certainly wish you the best during this time. Please know we will all be thinking of you!! HUGS!!

Glasgow53 · January 10th, 2006, 01:11 PM

I agree with what everyone here has said about not abandoning the house or kids. It looks bad in the divorce court. And the person with the most money does not necessarily get the kids, he can end up paying you child support while you have them. I know it is hard, but go back to the house, and set yourself up in a room he can't get into. Lock him out if he starts crap with you about how bad you are. Don't just lie down and take it, you are better than that. It sounds like he is used to getting his own way, and you are used to letting him do it. Don't just give in to him, it will be better in the long run if you don't. Do you have any close friends to help you in this? (you said you don't want to involve your family at this point) You need someone who you know is in your corner. Even if you have to take the kids and run to a shelter, that way he can't get at you. Good luck! We are here for you. For what that's worth.

ralphycnan · January 10th, 2006, 01:19 PM

I really don't want to go back to the house because I don't want him to have his way anymore. He tried giving me the key this morning, when I went to pick up the kids for school, and I just didn't want it. He said to stay there with the kids until he gets back from work. I just don't want him to feel that I need him. I want him to know that I will be ok without him. Or maybe I'm just being stubborn.

Glasgow53 · January 10th, 2006, 01:22 PM

You should look past your immediate needs and feelings and try to do what will be best for you in the long run. Unfortunately no one can kick either person out of the house unless one is physically abusive. Don't be a hot head! Be cold and calculating! Beat this bastard at his own game.

ralphycnan · January 10th, 2006, 01:46 PM

Thanks you guys, you really made me feel better. I just need to keep positive thoughts in my head cause when I don't I just feel like my whole world has come down. I know that I will be ok. Thank you for listening to my problems, I know that you don't have to.

sweetrebel · January 10th, 2006, 02:22 PM

Ralphy-first of all, I am sincerely sorry that you are hurting like this.
Second-Go home. Not home to him, home to your kids. Echoing what most have said-he can charge you with abandonment. I am speaking strictly from experience with my first husband. When we started talking about divorce, we were all civil and promised all the things that we would never do. Once the papers were filed-all that shit disappeared.
I got really pissed one night and went to my mothers-she told me to go home until I could get in touch with a lawyer. By the time I decided she was right-he had locked me out and would not let me have my kids. Called the sheriff's department and they said until a judge granted custody, it pretty much amounted to who ever had them...I could not get to or see my kids. The process of filing for divorce and waiting for a court date can be a long wait-don't let him keep you from your kids out of spite. It can happen whether you think he is "capable" or not. I know. In the end I decided they would be better with him-BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE!!! and have been paying child support for many many years even though he makes more than I do....
In order for them to be taken away, it has to be proven that you are abusing them, are a drunk, sleep with men in front of them-drastic things!
I know no one is in your shoes, and we don't know all the details, but I beg you at least go get your kids while you still have a chance. I know I am being dramatic, but it's only a matter of him changing locks and keeping you out....please think about this...
Know that we are all here for you, and you are never alone! If you ever need to talk, just PM me...be strong and take care of you!