I'm very upset

[sparkly]

I never thought I would start a thread about something going on in my personal life, but I really don't have anywhere else to turn. So here goes.


I'm engaged to a man I'll call "J". We've been together for about 2 years now, and we live together. Our relationship has been pretty rocky, and the last few months have been unbearably difficult for me. To be honest, I don't even know why I said yes when he proposed. Right now, I have 2 semesters left before I start medical school (keeping fingers crossed), so I'm only able to work part-time. But, I do ALL of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. J doesn't have to lift a finger.

When I first met J, he had a specific life plan in mind, and I told him I would help him achieve those goals, especially since he doesn't have a college degree. Certain things he said about not working if I ever made enough money set off alarm bells in my head, but I chose not to listen to my intuition. To make a long story short, he's had 3 jobs since I've been with him, has gone to 2 schools for different certifications (he didn't finish either), and has been unemployed for 5 months in between jobs. Every time he has a new job, I have to basically beg him to stay at it. Part of his main goal was to own a specific type of business, and I thought we had won the lottery when his friend offered him the chance to run this business with the intention of purchasing it. I helped him out by working there for pennies on the dollar, while I was also working 7 nights a week and going to school. Life was very difficult for me (to say the least), but I kept on with it, and I never complained about it. After a few months of busting my ass and helping him, I realized I was having to keep talking him into staying at his dream position. He kept going on and on about how many hours he had to work, and how hard it was. I reminded him that it was only 2 years of sacrifice, then he would have financial security for the rest of his life. Finally, I stopped trying to push him and he quit. Now, after 1 school he didn't finish and being out of work for a couple of months, he has a regular, menial job that pays a crappy wage. The shift is 12 hours a day 3-4 days a week, plus over-time if he wants it.


Before I continue, I have to mention something else. J has an extreme anxiety condition, and it causes him to worry and become negative about a lot of things. Sometimes he blows up at me, but most of the time, his anxiety gets the best of me and I find myself on edge. He doesn't want me to have any friends because he doesn't, and he says mean things about my family. He also does this with his own family. This has caused a few nasty fights between us, and he promised me that he would start taking anxiety medication as soon as he gets insurance. Part of his anxiety is that a lot of times, he can't fall asleep next to anyone. I was fine with this until recently, when he started asking me to sleep on the couch, since he's the one who's working full time (he just started working again). I sleep on the couch without saying anything to prevent an argument, but that's normal because I'm always walking on eggshells.
Ok, so a few weeks ago, my best friend helped me register for my classes for the fall semester, and I called J to let him know that I was going to be home a little late, because we were both signing up at the same time, then we wanted to get a bite to eat. He started screaming at me and saying the most vicious things about my best friend for no reason, and of course, he brought up my family too. He screamed at me until I was crying hysterically and could barely breathe. I hung up on him and didn't come home for several hours. When I finally did, he cried and said how sorry he was, and blah blah blah. He said he wanted to show me that he supports me emotionally and financially by working over time and allowing me to focus on school. I told him I would give him one more chance, and this is it. It was his idea to work over time, not mine.

Now that he's been working for like 2 and a half weeks, he doesn't want to work over time, and mentioned that maybe I should quit school and work as many hours as I can, because he doesn't think he'll be able to work 12 hours a day, 3-4 days a week. I flat out refused, and said I would move back in with my parents before I would ever support a lazy asshole. I told him that he's lazy, and if he wants me to stick around, then he has the rest of this week to figure out a way to stick with a job that pays him decently, and he better change his attitude. He got scared and called the owner of the store that he was going to purchase, to see if he could re-lease it. I told him that under no circumstances will I EVER push him or try to get him to stay at a job, because I don't think he wants to work. Period.

I know this is long, but I need some help. I have basically no one to talk to besides my best friend. I'm surprised that I am in this position, but I guess hindsight is always 20/20. I feel completely crushed, like I'm fighting an uphill battle. I can't kick him out and get a roommate, because I don't feel safe living with strangers. I can move back in with my parents, which is probably what I'll end up having to do. I'm so close to medical school, I can taste it. All I ever wanted to do was help people, and I deserve better than this treatment.

[Sojiita]

Originally Posted by sparkly

I never thought I would start a thread about something going on in my personal life, but I really don't have anywhere else to turn. So here goes.


I'm engaged to a man I'll call "J". We've been together for about 2 years now, and we live together. Our relationship has been pretty rocky, and the last few months have been unbearably difficult for me. To be honest, I don't even know why I said yes when he proposed. Right now, I have 2 semesters left before I start medical school (keeping fingers crossed), so I'm only able to work part-time. But, I do ALL of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. J doesn't have to lift a finger.

When I first met J, he had a specific life plan in mind, and I told him I would help him achieve those goals, especially since he doesn't have a college degree. Certain things he said about not working if I ever made enough money set off alarm bells in my head, but I chose not to listen to my intuition. To make a long story short, he's had 3 jobs since I've been with him, has gone to 2 schools for different certifications (he didn't finish either), and has been unemployed for 5 months in between jobs. Every time he has a new job, I have to basically beg him to stay at it. Part of his main goal was to own a specific type of business, and I thought we had won the lottery when his friend offered him the chance to run this business with the intention of purchasing it. I helped him out by working there for pennies on the dollar, while I was also working 7 nights a week and going to school. Life was very difficult for me (to say the least), but I kept on with it, and I never complained about it. After a few months of busting my ass and helping him, I realized I was having to keep talking him into staying at his dream position. He kept going on and on about how many hours he had to work, and how hard it was. I reminded him that it was only 2 years of sacrifice, then he would have financial security for the rest of his life. Finally, I stopped trying to push him and he quit. Now, after 1 school he didn't finish and being out of work for a couple of months, he has a regular, menial job that pays a crappy wage. The shift is 12 hours a day 3-4 days a week, plus over-time if he wants it.


Before I continue, I have to mention something else. J has an extreme anxiety condition, and it causes him to worry and become negative about a lot of things. Sometimes he blows up at me, but most of the time, his anxiety gets the best of me and I find myself on edge. He doesn't want me to have any friends because he doesn't, and he says mean things about my family. He also does this with his own family. This has caused a few nasty fights between us, and he promised me that he would start taking anxiety medication as soon as he gets insurance. Part of his anxiety is that a lot of times, he can't fall asleep next to anyone. I was fine with this until recently, when he started asking me to sleep on the couch, since he's the one who's working full time (he just started working again). I sleep on the couch without saying anything to prevent an argument, but that's normal because I'm always walking on eggshells.
Ok, so a few weeks ago, my best friend helped me register for my classes for the fall semester, and I called J to let him know that I was going to be home a little late, because we were both signing up at the same time, then we wanted to get a bite to eat. He started screaming at me and saying the most vicious things about my best friend for no reason, and of course, he brought up my family too. He screamed at me until I was crying hysterically and could barely breathe. I hung up on him and didn't come home for several hours. When I finally did, he cried and said how sorry he was, and blah blah blah. He said he wanted to show me that he supports me emotionally and financially by working over time and allowing me to focus on school. I told him I would give him one more chance, and this is it. It was his idea to work over time, not mine.

Now that he's been working for like 2 and a half weeks, he doesn't want to work over time, and mentioned that maybe I should quit school and work as many hours as I can, because he doesn't think he'll be able to work 12 hours a day, 3-4 days a week. I flat out refused, and said I would move back in with my parents before I would ever support a lazy asshole. I told him that he's lazy, and if he wants me to stick around, that he has the rest of this week to figure out a way to stick with a job that pays him decently, and he better change his attitude. He got scared and called the owner of the store that he was going to purchase. I told him that under no circumstances will I EVER push him or try to get him to stay at a job, because I don't think he wants to work. Period.

I know this is long, but I need some help. I have basically no one to talk to besides my best friend. I'm surprised that I am in this position, but I guess hindsight is always 20/20. I feel completely crushed, like I'm fighting an uphill battle. I can't kick him out and get a roommate, because I don't feel safe living with strangers. I can move back in with my parents, which is probably what I'll end up having to do. I'm so close to medical school, I can taste it. All I ever wanted to do was help people, and I deserve better than this treatment.

IMHO, for the bolded reasons ALONE, leave as soon as possible.

[birdmadgirl]

Move back in with your parents. You cannot stay with this guy, because if you do, you're going to end up letting med school slip away. He needs to grow up and you deserve better.

Honestly, he sounds a bit unstable, so please be careful. Anyone who freaks out like that over you being late has got some serious control issues.

[sparkly]

Here's the problem, and I was too ashamed to admit this part, but I realize I have to. We are both filing bankruptcy, and we have loans that are in both of our names ( I know, I am an IDIOT for this), so I'm afraid that if I move out before we file, then I'm completely screwed if he doesn't show up. We're not filing until September, so I feel completely stuck.

The bankruptcy issue has made me feel like a complete loser, because I always pay my bills. But we've racked up so much debt (mainly him), because of his unemployment. Plus, he has like $60,000 in credit card debt since before he met me. I've had to deal with the emotions that come with bankruptcy, but strangely enough, I feel like it's my ticket to get away from him, so I also feel relieved. I'm just counting down the days until I can walk out.

[yanna]

I think you already know that you have to get away from this man because he will only bring you down. I think you should stay until September though if you have to make sure he does come to court. He's not your responsibility, he's a lazy jerk and you must focus on yourself. I'm glad you have supportive parents and that you seem calm enough about this whole thing to really assess the situation. I don't see why you put up with him for so long but sometimes love really is blind. I'm hoping all the best for you, esp. for the bankrupcy thing, sounds pretty scary.

Don't buy his lies, don't feel sorry for him and don't give him money. And be careful, he sounds pretty unstable to me.

[tee-ha-ha]

Originally Posted by sparkly

Here's the problem, and I was too ashamed to admit this part, but I realize I have to. We are both filing bankruptcy, and we have loans that are in both of our names ( I know, I am an IDIOT for this), so I'm afraid that if I move out before we file, then I'm completely screwed if he doesn't show up. We're not filing until September, so I feel completely stuck.

The bankruptcy issue has made me feel like a complete loser, because I always pay my bills. But we've racked up so much debt (mainly him), because of his unemployment. Plus, he has like $60,000 in credit card debt since before he met me. I've had to deal with the emotions that come with bankruptcy, but strangely enough, I feel like it's my ticket to get away from him, so I also feel relieved. I'm just counting down the days until I can walk out.

Girl, do NOT be embarrassed. Plenty of people have been in your situation and they have come through OK. One of my best friends is coming out from the years that bankruptcy appears on your credit record and he's OK. Life will go on; do not be ashamed.

I agree with what Sojiita said...run, don't walk. This guy sounds like a user and an abuser.

Keep your eye on the prize: medical school. This guy doesn't sound like he's worth giving up the opportunity to become a doctor. Plus, if he's so jealous of your time NOW, just think what it would be like as a med student or a resident!

[moomies]

Sparkly, take care of yourself. I mean, only you yourself. You are the most important person to you! So everything regarding you should be the #1 priority, meaning, you need to focus on being able to finish your education (he needs to worry about his own certificates and diplomas and it's his responsibility whether he fails or succeeds), you need to get your finances straight (not his, well if you have joint anything, maybe consult a lawyer so you'll be able to only pay for YOUR portion of the debt, not HIS). You have a bright future ahead of you with medical school! It's totally fine to move back in with your parents, I'd think they'd welcome you back with open arms.

I also have anxiety so I can understand some of the things he is going thru. But he sounds like a big baby. Even if you have anxiety, you sometimes gotta just suck it up nd not use that as an excuse to be lazy or so dependant on someone else, he needs to seek out ways ON HIS OWN to make it better whether thru therapy or medication.
He needs to man up and start taking responsibility for his own self.


Sparkly, I think you only wanted to help him, so don't feel bad that you were ever supportive but you also don't have to feel bad that you should dump him. After all you've done for him, what has he ever done for you?

[A*O]

Originally Posted by birdmadgirl

Move back in with your parents. You cannot stay with this guy, because if you do, you're going to end up letting med school slip away. He needs to grow up and you deserve better.

Honestly, he sounds a bit unstable, so please be careful. Anyone who freaks out like that over you being late has got some serious control issues.

Agree 100%. You have a bright and exciting future ahead of you and you don't need this lazy jerk trying to control your life. The bankruptcy thing can be sorted out and there's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed although you are no doubt kicking yourself that he's dragged you into his mess. He needs to grow the fuck up and you need to focus on your studies and career without a needy asshole in tow. Don't throw your future away for a total loser.

[elginshel]

I've got to agree with the advice you've already been given. I think you know yourself anyway that you need to get away from him. Even if that does mean waiting till September to get the bankruptcy sorted first. You've done your best to make things work and it seems he's just thrown it back in your face.

Don't even get me started on his control shit, which believe me does not a healthy relationship make! You can't live your life walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting someone.

If you stay with him he'll continue to drag you down and he could potentially destroy your future goals. Then all you'll be left with is a pile of resentment and relationship that you'll begin to despise being involved in.
You have such a bright future ahead of you and you don't need someone standing in the way of that. He's had 2 years to change his ways and he's given you fuck all. It's time to think of yourself and your future and ditch the loser.

[Ravenna]

sparkly, I'm sorry to read all this. You've alluded to problems with your fiancée before, so I am not surprised.

What stood out for me was the part where he does not want you to have any friends. That is one of the reddest flags of all red flags, a classic sign of an abuser. He is already trying to limit your contact with your friends by throwing fits when you spend time with them. He's talking smack about your family now- soon he may try to isolate you from them, too. Do not allow that to happen and DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

[Chalet]

You don't need any special ticket out. No get out jail free card. You go because it's the right and healthy choice for your life.

I asked myself why is this hard working and dedicated young woman who is on her way to medical school - a cook, a housekeeper and his mother?

He needs medical and psychological treatment. He will drag you down and you might lose your focus. Leave.

[cloud]

sparkly, i married this guy. 10 years did what you are doing and had two beautiful children with him. I divorced him last year and he went completely nuts. Abusive, dangerous and childish. He's in prison now for what he did to me. 'J' is him to a 'T'!!!

Run. Run fast.

Financial difficulties that ensue are manageable. You'll be okay and you'll work through it. But for gods sake don't marry him.

He's not going to handle the breakup well. It will be your fault no matter what he's done. He'll be horrible, possibly threatening. But you still have to run.

Money is just money. You have time to work it out and you are clearly willing to work to do it. It may take time, but it's part of the cleaning up process.

If I were you, knowing what I know now about how dangerous these criminally selfish people are, I would be packing this minute and getting myself somewhere safe.

Be careful and be smart. He's not going to go easy.

[heart_leigh]

Everyone has summed it up. You deserve much better. Dump the bum.

[Sasha]

Don't worry about the bankruptcy-he will show up unless he enjoys the thought of that massive debt hanging over his head. GET OUT NOW. He's got power and control issues and he knows you are slipping away from him even while you still live with him. Couple this with his anxiety problems and I FEAR FOR YOU. He will snap and you need to be in a protective environment with your parents. Go now. Please.

[McJag]

I knew this sounded familiar! Cloud lived it! Pleasee take precautions.