Is space always a bad thing?

kimereso · December 29th, 2005, 06:53 PM

So lately I've been wanting some time away from my boyfriend...ok, well more than some time. The reason why isn't really new, he's always done it but it just that it bothers me now, a lot. Whenever we talk it's always him asking me a million questions about my day and sometimes it's the same questions over and over but asked differently. "So, what's up?", "What are you doing?", "What's going on?", "What did you do today?", "Do anything interesting today?", "So how was your day?", and so on and so on. If I tell him that I wasn't really up to anything he says well, you must have done something, even if all you did was do laundry, tell me about it. What could I possibly say? "Well, I did my laundry...period." He's driving me crazy. It seems like he wants to know every tiny little detail of my day, of my life. I answer a beep on the phone and he asks who it was, I ask him to hold on for a sec and when I get back he asks me what I was doing. I'm a fairly private person and don't really like to reveal every little detail of my life to people. I like to keep some things for myself and I think that's okay but it makes him frustrated. If he tells me that he has a few things to do before coming over to see me, I'll say ok, call me and let me know when your done while he'll want to know everything that I have to do.
Okay, sorry for the rambling, I'm just really frustrated right now, my question is how do you get the space that every sane person needs to stay that way without the other person getting hurt? Or thinking that I want the relationship to end? I've thought a lot about it and I can't think of a way to get some "me time" without him taking it the wrong way.

j-adore · December 29th, 2005, 08:49 PM

It seems to me that he wants to talk with you but he just ran out of things to say!!!! If I were you I'd probably just tell him straight up that he's getting a little to clingy and that you're not the type of person to reveal every aspect of life to him.

To tell you the truth I personally don't believe in breaks. But from what I heard from others, sometimes it can be for the better! Maybe you should tell him in order for this relationship to work, he needs to give you some time to breathe!!!

Luna · December 30th, 2005, 11:37 AM

Maybe you're just not that in to him. If you were you'd be more interested in sharing.

Grimmlok · January 3rd, 2006, 09:21 PM

He needs to engage you in actual conversations with actual topics, not pester you about every little non-event in your day.

While he might not do that, why don't you give it a try? That way he might get his fill of you talking to him without having to divulge every inane thing that went on.

olivia720 · January 3rd, 2006, 09:37 PM

he sounds kind of paranoid, and you dont sound that into him. imo. maybe he senses you're pulling away so he's trying harder, which makes you want to pull away more.

Grimmlok · January 3rd, 2006, 09:47 PM

eeek, trying to pick up the slack.. poor boy..

Tenaj · January 4th, 2006, 07:06 AM

How long have you been together?

That would totally annoy the hell out of me. I have a female friend who sends me endless text messages just with questions like "What are you doing", "What did you do last night?", "What are you doing at the weekend?", "Are you in work tomorrow?", "Are you happy to be in work tomorrow?", "What did you have for breakfast?", "Have you brushed your teeth yet?", Ok I'm getting carried away but you get the picture. It infuriates me so much I just wish she'd talk on the phone. When I call her back she very rarely has anything to say just more questions.

A conversation has to be a TWO WAY thing, you cannot force a person to engage in conversation by barraging them with questions. You must feel as though you are being interrogated.

On the other side are you a closed book? Perhaps he is trying desperately to be closer to you. Are there reasons you might be shutting yourself away so that he has to pester?

Tiara · January 4th, 2006, 07:21 AM

To me it sounds like you're not really that fussed about him in the first place.

The majority of the time me and my bf can't shut up when we're on the phone to each other because we do get on really well and have loads in common. But say, we've spent the whole wknd together, and then he'll go home and phone me. We've already discussed everything and nothing new has happened since we left each other but he'll still ring just to chat more rubbish and ask what I'm doing. He sometimes asks the same questions too. Like he'll ring and ask how I am. Then he'll think of something to talk about then he'll run out of things to say, so he'll ask how I am again. It didn't really annoy me that much, I just like to talk to him, but after a while I did start to pull him up on it.

IMO, the best way is to just say jokingly - you already asked me that! Then he'll have to think of anything else to say. Or you make conversation with him. This guy obviously likes you and although he has nothing interesting to say, he just wants to hear your voice. I think thats sweet. You can't really expect him to start a whole conversation on his own, so meet him half way. Ask him what he's been up to. Ask him what you both should do next time you meet up. You'll find yourself talking about all kinds of rubbish for hours.

sweetrebel · January 4th, 2006, 03:49 PM

When he reapeats his questions, give him diefferent answers-each one more bizarre than the last. He will either run away screaming or shut up!
One time should be enough for him to have a grasp of how your day went...wait, does he have ADHD or some sort of memory problem? Seriously, maybe he doens't realize he is doing it so much...

But I think space can do one of two things:bring you closer-make one or each realize how much you care or put an end to an already dying relationship. If you have space and don't miss him at all, or notice that you could very well do without him, then you should...

kimereso · January 5th, 2006, 09:38 PM

Thanks for all your advice, some of it was really helpful. I know that a few of you asked if I offered anything to the conversation and I guess I didn't make that clear in my first post, I apologize. I never get the chance to offer anything because he doesn't stop asking me questions. I seriously wish that you guys could listen in on our conversation just once because it's hard to explain.
But anyway, I've talked to him again about it, which is frustrating because it's already been brought up so many times but whatever, I brought it up again and he said that he would work on it. We also spent about a week apart just hanging our with our friends and getting in some alone time, which was actually kind of weird because he was down for the holidays and we thought that we were going to spend tons of time together but it definitely needed to happen or I would have lost my mind. So, yes..things are better right now, we're just going to have to keep working on it.

olivia720 · January 5th, 2006, 09:59 PM

good luck with that and i hope things work out.

Glasgow53 · January 6th, 2006, 08:47 AM

My husband and I have always had our own space, which is something I have always valued. We do lots of stuff together, but if he wants to do something and I don't, he goes and does it. Ditto for stuff I want to do that he could care less about. I don't believe in being up someone's ass with your feet hanging out. Since he retired due to disability this past March, things have changed drastically. He feeds off me for any bit of information he can get. He calls me at work 5 times a day, he calls to let me know what came in the mail, he calls to see what I am doing (working!) and I have just about had it. I don't want to divorce him, but I find myself going out of my way to find stuff to do out of the house just to keep my sanity. So I could use more me time or space or whatever you call it. And before anyone asks, yes he has OCD.

Luna · January 8th, 2006, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by olivia720

he sounds kind of paranoid, and you dont sound that into him. imo. maybe he senses you're pulling away so he's trying harder, which makes you want to pull away more.

Exactly.

Tiara · January 9th, 2006, 05:26 AM

Am I the only one who kinda feels sorry for this guy? In no way am I saying anything bad about you here, Kimereso. I just can't help picturing this poor guy trying his best to be interseted in a girl, so in to her that when he speaks to her he gets lost for words and ends up sounding like a bit of an idiot. Bless his little cotton socks!!