Advice needed

t13nif · November 16th, 2007, 01:23 PM

Ok, this is somewhat similar to Lily's thread about standards. So here's my story.

About a month ago, my boyfriend and i broke up after 2 years. I had known for a long time that there was no future with him, for several reasons--his latent negative attitudes towards women, his self-centeredness, and bad sex.
So why was i with him? Well we were best friends and got along really well and he made me laugh like no one else. Also, he had no interest in marriage, living together or kids (which i'm on the fence about anyway, but i don't want it ruled out).I really compromised my standards to be with him.

After this happened, i had no interest in 'getting back out there' and i was fine with this. For the first time in my life, i was not looking for a man or thinking about finding one. I vowed to myself that for the next relationship i was going to hold out for my standards--like attractiveness, sexual chemistry, education, similar values, belief in marriage , no kids etc. I'm also 38 and feel somewhat that time is running out for me.

Fast forward to now. I have been been flirting online with a man for a few weeks now. I vaguely know him professionally--i am an actress and he is a casting director. We are also both in AA, with a lot of years of sobriety between us. I had never seen him socially so last night we met for coffee. I had a great time and ended up going back to his place, honestly thinking we were just going to continue our great conversation--and we did until we started kissing. It was really great! I know i don't really know this man but my sense is that he is a great guy and he was very respectful of me.

But here's the thing, he's slightly overweight, kind of balding, has a 9 yr old daughter and an ex-wife. All these things that go against my 'standards'. I don't know what to do. At this stage i don't want to start a relationship without a future, because it's just wasting time. If i end up being with this man, will i regret not holding out for my self-imposed list? I am so confused. Sorry this post is so long.

pacific breeze · November 16th, 2007, 01:26 PM

What's the problem? You sense that he's a great guy, you like him, and you enjoy kissing him. You may find someone else who meets your physical appearance standards, but he may lack the more important qualities that are attracting you to this man. Getting the 100 per cent perfect man is not an attainable reality for hardly anyone.

As for time running out, don't be silly! A built-in family can be problematic, but as I've discovered, it can also be fun. I met my hubby when I was older than you, he had ex-wives -- one of whom he is still paying -- 2 kids, and 2 grandkids. He is shorter than other men I've been with and didn't meet what I thought were my standards in many ways. Yet 5 years later, we are doing fine.

Go with your gut.

HelpMeRhonda · November 16th, 2007, 01:33 PM

Hang out occasionally and have fun.. just cause you hang out doesn't mean.. anything etched in stone.. if something develops fine (feelings wise) if not.. you had some fun.

I think too many people immediatly plan the future in their heads after the first date/meeting, just have fun and get to know each other.. you'll know if it's what you want or not.. soon enough.

I'm like you 39.. no kids.. no marriage.. and didn't want anyone who had that.. well... I've been dating the same guy for 8 years with an ex wife and 3 kids .. it's amazing what you thought was important really isn't once you.. get to know the person.

Good luck and just have fun.

southernbelle · November 16th, 2007, 02:05 PM

I would say that if you enjoy spending time with this man, you should continue to do so. But don't let it get to a point where you're dating him just because you feel guilty admitting that he doesn't meet your standards or because you are scared you won't meet anyone else. If you know deep down there is no future, I wouldn't lead him on or let yourself get roped into a situation where you feel some sort of obligation to him and feel guilty leaving him. If this man is really not what you want, don't feel like you have to settle for 2nd best. I would give it a little more time, have some fun with it, and take the opportunity to figure out if it's something worth pursuing.

cynic · November 16th, 2007, 02:08 PM

Look on the bright side.....in 10 more years, you might be balding and slightly overweight with a 9 year old daughter and you two will be even.....

Sorry, seriously, by dating him you might find out more about what kind of guy you really want, even if it isn't him. And, you might be getting ahead of yourself, he might not even want to get married again or even get into a serious relationship.

Just Kill Me · November 16th, 2007, 02:26 PM

Bad sex? No!!!!!!!!!! You only stick with an asshole if the sex is good!
In all seriousness this weeks Savage Love says what I would say...

crumpet · November 16th, 2007, 02:56 PM

has a 9 yr old daughter and an ex-wife. Look, we are all different and lord knows at our age it is easier to find an honest politician that a man with no ex-wife and kids attached. The problem I have as an unchilded woman, is that getting involved with a childed man means I will never come first. Ever. If the guy didn't put his kid first I wouldn't respect him, and if he does I am frustrated because I'm not bringing that same baggage to the table. It doesn't seem fair that I can put him first but he can never put me first. I'm not willing to not have a new sofa or a vacation because someone else's kid needs braces. I'd scarifice for my own kid, but not someone else's. Also, what is his relationship like with his ex? It matters because she can use the connection with the child to make your life hell. Is the kid a brat (the "You're not my mooooom!" type). It matters, and God help you if he is the type who is parenting out of guilt which means he will never stand up to his kid, ever, no matter how much of a beast she is.

pacific breeze · November 16th, 2007, 03:07 PM

^^It depends, tho. My hubby's kids are grown up and while there has been friction at times, ultimately it has worked out, especially since the eldest daughter moved away! In a perfect world, I would prefer that he had no alimony or kids, but since he doesn't want more children and I'm not going to have any at this stage, that part works out.

t13nif · November 16th, 2007, 03:17 PM

Wow, so many good points. I know i am majorly putting the cart before the horse with this situation but i tend to overthink and analyze everything. I am really scared of getting attached and compromising myself again. I have a really hard time with rdating, relationships and grey areas.

I think Crumpet sums up my major hesitation--i was with a man for 2 1/2 years who was separated and had custody of his 2 young boys (2 and 5 when i met him). He did not have a good relationship with his ex. We had a good relationship but i realized that not only would i not come first, i was actually even behind his ex-wife (because she was the boys' mother). I saw and cared for those kids 99 % more than she did, but i had no say, responsibilty or status as a parent.

I have a lot of things to think about. OR maybe i should try not thinking

.

A*O · November 16th, 2007, 03:49 PM

I think you have to define 'standards'. If overweight, balding and divorced with child really are deal breakers (not exactly unusual in a man around 40) then you could be in for a long and disappointing journey if you want to find the 'perfect' man. They don't exist. If you want a man who is kind, intelligent, honest, respectful and decent and are lucky enough to find him then I really don't think a few extra pounds or a few missing hair follicles should matter.

sweetness · November 17th, 2007, 12:23 AM

^^ I couldn't agree with you more, A*O.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crumpet

has a 9 yr old daughter and an ex-wife. Look, we are all different and lord knows at our age it is easier to find an honest politician that a man with no ex-wife and kids attached. The problem I have as an unchilded woman, is that getting involved with a childed man means I will never come first. Ever. If the guy didn't put his kid first I wouldn't respect him, and if he does I am frustrated because I'm not bringing that same baggage to the table. It doesn't seem fair that I can put him first but he can never put me first. I'm not willing to not have a new sofa or a vacation because someone else's kid needs braces. I'd scarifice for my own kid, but not someone else's. Also, what is his relationship like with his ex? It matters because she can use the connection with the child to make your life hell. Is the kid a brat (the "You're not my mooooom!" type). It matters, and God help you if he is the type who is parenting out of guilt which means he will never stand up to his kid, ever, no matter how much of a beast she is.

Most of the time the kids live with mommy though, so they wouldn't be with him 24/7.

About the bratty thing, parents splitting up is usually very hard on kids and it's not unusual for them to act out. It's not easy for them to see mom or dad with a new mate, and understandably so, BUT judging from my own experience as a stepchild, a stepmother, and now a single mother who is dating-- if you are sweet to the children they will usually be sweet right back.

DoveFeatheredRaven · November 17th, 2007, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A*O

I think you have to define 'standards'. If overweight, balding and divorced with child really are deal breakers (not exactly unusual in a man around 40) then you could be in for a long and disappointing journey if you want to find the 'perfect' man. They don't exist. If you want a man who is kind, intelligent, honest, respectful and decent and are lucky enough to find him then I really don't think a few extra pounds or a few missing hair follicles should matter.

Totally agree with A*O, as usual!

McJag · November 17th, 2007, 07:44 AM

Going bald is not a felony! Just date a while and see where it leads. I was concerned about the daughter thing until you siad you were a better parent to the little ones. In this case an older ,girl child might be fun. Yes, you are right-raising would not be your call. You can lobby behind the scenes and it might turn out in 50 years, she will take care of you in your old age!
Right now, just go with it and see what happens. Don't over analyze.
This could turn out to be the love of your life-just packaged differently!

Mira · November 17th, 2007, 09:00 AM

Definitely give it more time. People fear aging because it happens to everyone, and it always seems like it's going to happen later than sooner. He sounds like a normal-looking man of his age. I was shocked the other day when I saw a good-looking man tending to his daughter and except for this huge gut hanging off of him, he was a very attractive man - tall, good-looking, nicely dressed, but had a huge gut. That's a deal-breaker for me, but for many women it wouldn't be. Poor eating habits are usually the cause of it (fermentation and over-build up of junk in the large intestines), though I'm beginning to think that with certain people - including women - there are a bit of genetics involved with that.

I've started adopting the process of looking at a man the way their wives and girlfriends do. For example, I'll see a man who is married, and is older, etc. And I'll look at his wife, and then I'll start trying to look at him as a wife would, rather than as a prospective mate. Most of my friends' husbands are decent enough looking and a lot of them don't have much hair or any hair at all. I find them very attractive because of their overall appeal.

Give it some time! Perhaps not as much time as a woman who wants no kids or no more kids would, but IMO it's a bit early to rule him out.

sherbear905 · November 17th, 2007, 09:51 AM

By telling everyone what your "ideal man" should look like, do you feel that you might be a little more concerned about dating someone that isn't in that "mold", and how it would look to everyone else?

I only ask this because my sister is going through something similar. She has always said "he has to be thin, tall, dark hair, very handsome, etc.". All the guys she's been with that fit that description have screwed her over. She's currently dating a really nice guy who's a little heavy, a little balding, (I think he's adorable, huge smile, big dimples, very huggy) but treats her like she's a princess. We all like him, it's nice to see her being treated so well, they actually have fun, she laughs, etc. She's struggling though. She likes the attention, but says "he's not what I've always been attracted to..... you know that...." Well, yeah, she's always told us what she was attracted to, and it was always superficial, never character.

In her case, she'll probably end it someday, keep looking for that "perfect looking man", who will probably treat her like shit, and the cycle will start all over again, just because she has written in stone what that "ideal man" should look like.