Would you forgive an affair? This wife says YES, her husband says NO
Would you forgive your husband or wife if they had an affair? It's the question just about every man and woman has asked themselves at some time.
So would you walk out immediately? Or think of the children and your lifestyle and give them a second chance?
Diana Appleyard's new novel confronts this subject when her heroine leaves her husband after she discovers his infidelity.
Here, the novel's author and her husband of 20 years, Ross, 46, argue their highly opposing views on the subject. The couple live in Argyll, Scotland, and have two children, Beth, 19, and Charlotte, 14.
Diana Appleyard
When Ross and I were first married, I remember firmly telling my mother-in-law "if Ross had an affair it would be the end of our marriage".
She smiled at me. "When you've been married a lot longer, other things become more important."
"Never!" I declared. "If the trust is broken, you can never feel the same way about someone again."
But she's right. Now, 20 years into our marriage, my views have changed dramatically.
Would it really be the end of the world if I discovered that Ross had been having an affair? No, I don't think it would.
Many will be astonished by that statement, but with 20 years of marriage under our belt, I'm now more prepared to look at the bigger picture.
We have two children we adore. We have just bought a wonderful old shooting lodge in Argyll to restore. I have two horses, together we own six dogs and two cats.
Who would get the dogs, for a start?
Our entire lifestyle is built on our relationship. Am I really prepared to blow apart everything we've created together - not least our children - just because Ross slept with someone else?
As far as I'm aware Ross hasn't had an affair, but how do I really know?
Until two years ago he worked as a war correspondent for Sky News, and travelled all over the world.
He had endless opportunities to be unfaithful, and often names would crop up in long-distance conversations, a pretty young interpreter, a young female journalist he'd been helping with her script.
He was an attractive man, with a glamorous, powerful job - who wouldn't be attracted to him?
Of course, I was sometimes jealous when he talked about other women or noticed names I didn't recognise sending him texts.
But I've never felt compelled to go through his messages or read his e-mails.
He is an extremely honest, direct person, and I know exactly what he's thinking. I can't see he would behave the same way towards me if he'd been unfaithful.
But maybe I'm kidding myself. I have friends who have said exactly the same thing and their husbands have had affairs.
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Ross and I have had friends confide in us about their extra-marital trysts and it puts you in the most dreadful position. Should you then confess all to their partner?
My theory has always been to leave well alone, but I remember a close friend turning to me in tears, having found out her husband had been having an affair (they are now divorced), saying: "If you were really my friend you would have told me."
"It was too much responsibility," I said, "I just couldn't."
Ultimately, it broke up our friendship. The effects of an affair ripple very wide indeed.
I've talked to many women whose husbands have had affairs. Affairs with close friends of their wife - often the case - affairs with strangers, numerous meaningless sexual flings while away on business, the list is endless.
Some women stayed with a stiff upper lip, others gathered up their children and fled.
Of all the women who left, all but one woman told me that now, with hindsight, they would have stayed. That their lives, and those of their children, are infinitely worse since they split up the marriage.
I am not condoning infidelity. If I did find out Ross had been unfaithful, he'd have broken the unspoken bond between us.
As a couple, we tell each other everything, which leads to a lot of heated rows and there have been times when our marriage has teetered very close to the edge, when both of us have thought we would be happier apart. But we both know, ultimately, this is not true.
So many marriages of friends have ended, marriages which seemed to have more going for them than we have.
And in every case I look at them now and think: "Why? Look at your life now, struggling for money and hating being alone. The agony and embarrassment of having to get back into the dating game in your 40s and coping with children torn apart by losing the constant presence of a loved parent."
Friends tell me the children adapt, but I don't think they do. I remember watching a friend of my daughter at her school play sitting tensely, eyes flitting backwards and forwards between her divorced parents, sitting on either side of a school hall.
Men and women also have very different attitudes to sex. I couldn't divorce the idea of love and sex - if I slept with someone else it would mean I had fallen in love with them, and that would shake our marriage to the core.
This wouldn't necessarily be the case for Ross - he could have sex without the love. Many men say, "But it doesn't change how I feel about you" - and they mean it.
If I discovered Ross was having an affair now, I'd be devastated - and also amazed (we're together nearly all the time since he left Sky).
But if he'd had an affair in the past - which he could so easily have done - I wouldn't leave him. I'd be bitterly angry, but I would forgive him.
In my novel, Sara, my heroine, leaves. Her husband is ultimately broken by her leaving. By the end, they reunite - but on her terms.
Meanwhile, a beautiful young man has fallen for her, which is highly gratifying. And that's how I feel it should be. No one is perfect.
A serial adulterer should not be tolerated, but an affair in the past? It's not the end of the world.
I'm probably a misguided romantic, but at the end of the day I want to see Ross and me, like my parents, walk hand-in-hand towards old age.
Ross Appleyard
Should I have discovered that Diana had been having an affair, I would leave the house and never return. It's dramatic, but I mean it. I couldn't live with her betrayal, even if it meant leaving our home and children.
It's part of the male ego - I couldn't stomach her being attracted to anyone but me. How could I face our friends knowing I hadn't been able to keep my wife happy?
I would also want to punch the other man's lights out. I know that isn't politically correct in any way, and I ought to be more "in touch" with both my and Diana's feelings, but gut instinct would take over, and despite never having had a fight in my life, I would want one.
The big difference, I think, is love.
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Diana Appleyard and husband Ross: The couple disagree about how they would react if either had an affair
If Diana had an affair she would have fallen in love, and that's the ultimate betrayal, not just the casual act of sex.
It is hypocritical, but many of my friends have had affairs and pass them off as an unimportant physical act.
Some - and I know this will anger every woman reading this - take pride in it and expect to get a pat on the back from me, with a "good on you, mate, I'm really jealous". There is a strong code of honour between men and I hesitate even to tell my wife about it.
An affair, a "bit on the side", is often viewed by men as an accessory to marriage and usually based on sex alone. Men are far more sex-driven than women. For a man, an affair is purely about the physical.
If I ever did have an affair, it would be because the physical side of our marriage had broken down - which is why sex is so vital in a marriage. It's the core of every marriage and in each divorce I have witnessed among friends, their sex life has ended before the marriage.
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The reason I have not been tempted is because I still find my wife physically attractive.
Attraction aside, after 20 years of marriage, my wife, who will kill me for saying this, is like an old comfy jumper that I couldn't bear to be parted from. Even though she may be getting a bit grubby around the collar and has holes in her elbows, she still fits and makes me feel safe.
But if I ever discovered she'd found someone else she would be thrown straight in the bin.
That may sound callous, but the reality is that she is a very loyal person who would have an affair only if she fell in love with someone else. I doubt very much that she would do it because of a physical need for sex and that would hurt more than anything else.
I still take a dramatic standpoint on this, but I was even more passionate about this when we were first married - I was insanely jealous and even made her burn all the photographs of past boyfriends. They weren't to be mentioned in the house.
I suppose I was stamping my authority on the marriage and claiming her as my own.
That is men for you - a wife is not a possession, definitely, but I think of her as "mine". We men have a primordial need to cocoon our partners and make sure they are safe from other predators - men.
If they were to be taken from us, the loss of face and hurt would be unbearable. The only way of regaining my self-esteem would be to storm out to make her pay for this massive blow to my ego.
f I was to have an affair it would be purely physical and I know she would, eventually, forgive me after making my life hell.
If she were to have an affair there would be a far more deep-seated reason and it would be because she had embarked on a serious relationship which surpassed our own.
That would be so much more difficult to handle and it would undoubtedly destroy our marriage.
Would you forgive an affair? This wife says YES, her husband says NO | the Daily Mail
Would you forgive an affair? This wife says YES, her husband says NO
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