Relationship and money: Should you pay your SO's debt?

[moomies]

Should I pay my boyfriend's debt?

What should you do when your spouse or significant other can't seem to control his or her credit card spending? Bankrate.com’s Debt Adviser offers a few ideas.

By Bankrate.com

My boyfriend has more than $30,000 in credit card debt that he wants me to help pay off. He amassed an additional $30,000 debt three years ago but rolled this into his mortgage. I don't think I should help pay for any of this debt. Do you agree?


Wow, he must think he is some special boyfriend or that you are a very gullible young lady! I agree with you, without a single doubt, hesitation, reservation, misgiving or qualm. Your boyfriend has dug himself a fairly deep debt hole without your help. Not to mention the fact that he covered up his previous debt hole by rolling over the debt to his mortgage. Still, to give him his due, he has managed to purchase a home.
So, as a former credit counselor, I'd like to believe that maybe he just needs sound advice and encouragement to see the error of his overspending ways. However, as a father, my suggestion would be to run away from this guy as far and as quickly as possible.
Before you decide whether the relationship is salvageable, remember: He has shown by getting into debt, to the tune of $30,000 within three years of transferring an additional $30,000 in debt, that he is oblivious or ignorant about how to manage his finances. I'm not sure which of these characteristics is his main attraction. You, however, apparently understand the financial score and realize that by helping pay down his debt, you would be encouraging him to do it yet again, but this time with your money!
If, for some unexplained reason, you don't want to take my fatherly advice and dump the boyfriend, there are several things you might get him to try that may help him while not hurting you financially in the process.

Things you can try:

• The most important thing he can do to help himself is to stop overspending right now. If you don't think he will stop, drastic measures may have to be taken, such as cutting up his credit cards or freezing them in a block of ice in his freezer. If that fails, you might move on to freezing something more personal -- I mean like your relationship! Work with him to prepare a spending plan so that he gets out of the habit of spending tomorrow's money today. In addition, he will need to include an allocation in the plan to pay down the $30,000 debt. His level of enthusiasm for this process will be a good indicator of his, and your relationship's, likely success.
• Paying off debt can be arduous and, from my experience, no fun. You could offer to do something special with him once a month around the time he has to send in payments to his creditors. A low-cost excursion or, better yet, a free trip to a local art museum or park would be alternatives to consider.

I hope he is one of many boyfriends you have. Being with a person who is out of control financially can be fun for a short time, but it sure gets old fast once the bills come due. Good luck!


I hope so much you can help me. My husband has been disabled for years. He is on pain medication. He spends about $300 a month charging music merchandise on credit cards. There is no way he will ever be able to repay the debt. He doesn't even know I found out about the debt, which is now up to $12,000. Here's my question: Am I responsible for any of his debt? We live in Georgia. Can I be held responsible for anything? What if he dies -- do they erase the debt? Is bankruptcy an option for him? We use his Social Security payment for our daughter's college expenses. The $12,000 he has charged up has all been done in the past two years or so. It can only get worse. Please, please provide me any information you can. I cannot tell family or friends about this embarrassing situation. Thank you so much for any help.


The first thing I would recommend is that you communicate with your husband and let him know that you are aware of the $12,000 debt. He may be relieved that you know and be willing to work with you to stop charging additional purchases. This will help prevent the situation from getting worse. It is important that you tell him you want to help and communicate your concern for him, rather than accusing or blaming.

Next, with your husband, determine if you have any available funds to begin to pay down the $12,000 balance. If you could pay $250 a month and the interest rate on the card is 12% or less, the balance could be paid off in five years. That is, of course, if your husband commits to not making more credit card purchases.

If you don't believe you can afford that much money each month, you can consider two options: First, he might consider selling some of the music he has purchased. That might get him a good start on a payment plan. Second, he can contact his credit card company to see whether he qualifies for a hardship program. The program would reduce his annual interest rate and help pay off the balance with a lower monthly payment.
Another option is using a combination of student and PLUS loans to pay for your daughter's college and use the Social Security payment to pay down the credit card debt. The interest on the school loan should be much lower, and payments could be deferred until she gets out of school. Bankrate has a college-financing channel where you can learn more.
Now, to your questions. Because you do not live in a community-property state, your husband's debts are his own unless the credit card is a joint account with both your names listed as cardholders. Legally, you are not responsible for debts that are in his name only, and his creditor may not contact you to collect the debt.
Should your husband die, his estate would be responsible for paying any of his outstanding debts, including the $12,000 credit card debt. Is the house or other assets in his name? If you are homeowners, be sure to have the house legally titled so that any liens, in his name, on the house will not survive him. In Rhode Island, where I live, the term is "tenants by the entirety." You should have something similar in Georgia. Check this out with an attorney.
Bankruptcy might be an option for him, but there are other issues that go along with that course of action, such as loss of self-esteem, that can lead to other problems in your marriage.

Steve Bucci, Bankrate.com's Debt Adviser, is the president of Money Management International Financial Education Foundation and the author of "Credit Repair Kit for Dummies."

from MSN Money
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com...iendsDebt.aspx

[UndercoverGator]

Why does she even think she needs to pay off his debt? It's his and they aren't married!

[twitchy]

B-b-b-b-b-but she looooooves him!


People like that make me want to slap sense into them. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work but I'd find it gratifying.

[A*O]

You would be shocked and amazed how many seemingly intelligent people have no fucking clue about credit cards and how they work. To them it's Free Money so they spend, spend, spend because there aren't any consequences, right? The banks know this of course which is why they just love these morons to have credit cards.

[hotncmom]

I have total control of the finances in this marriage because I am the responsible one. DH won't be running up any debt behind my back because I pull both our credit reports each year. He has a problem with overspending and he knows it so he doesn't mind if I'm in charge. DH often says he wouldn't have any money if it weren't for me. And it's true. We have been married 11 years and our net worth has increased 100x what it was the day we got married.

But like I said, DH does overspend and it is a constant battle to keep us from running up debt because of it. We have taken from savings/tax refunds/bonuses to pay off credit card/home equity debt more times than I can count. It kills me to think of all the cash we could've had by now if DH didn't buy so many CD's/DVD's/clothes/electronics. We could've had that screened porch I want a long, long time ago. I am not cheap. I don't mind spending money if I can point to something tangible. But over the last 11 years he has pissed away tens of thousands of dollars on I don't know what.

But we're doing fine financially because of me. I would feel more comfortable if we had more money not in 401(k)'s and such, but DH thinks we have "enough" and so in his opinion we don't need to save anymore.

[Palermo]

Two words: fuck and no

and let me add this: husband and I have been together 33 years and we have NO joint bank accounts, credit cards and never ever will

thanks for listening

[AliceInWonderland]

^ yeah and Yeah to A*O; ppl are dumb b/c no one ever teaches them about money.

[A*O]

There's a myth that men are the steady, sensible, financially astute ones and it's the women who fritter it away on shoes and satin bed cushions but in my experience it's often quite the opposite. I know several couples who cut quite a few corners to make ends meet but they ALL have state-of-the-art fuck off 50" plasmascreen TV with home theatre sound systems and guess who buys that? The CD/DVD racks are also full with the latest stuf and there's usually a very nice car parked in the driveway (guess whose?).

[pacific breeze]

Originally Posted by Palermo

Two words: fuck and no

and let me add this: husband and I have been together 33 years and we have NO joint bank accounts, credit cards and never ever will

thanks for listening

My husband and I operate the same way. We have individual cards and accounts. We each pay certain expenses according to our means -- right now he makes more money so he pays the rent, but I pay for any household purchases, most food, some utilities and for some trips.

I NEVER want to have to justify my spending to anyone. If I want to buy a pair of shoes I don't really need, I bloody well buy them. The irony is that I am the responsible one -- if I could convince my hubby to let me take over the finances, we would both be better off. I'm working on it...

[A*O]

I will always remember some wise words of advice I received from an aged aunt many, many years ago when she said that if a couple don't share the same philosophy about money and how to spend/save it then it's going to cause as much unhappiness and stress as cheating or violence, etc. I thought she was exaggerating but I now know she was absolutely right. And it's not just the irresponsible overspenders who cause a problem. My SIL is married to one of the most mean, tightarsed misers walking this earth (oh the stories I could tell). At the age of 60 she is forced to work the nightshift fulltime in a geriatric ward at the local hospital in order to earn enough money to pay the household bills because her husband will not give her a penny from his considerable fortune.

[AliceInWonderland]

Originally Posted by A*O

There's a myth that men are the steady, sensible, financially astute ones and it's the women who fritter it away on shoes and satin bed cushions but in my experience it's often quite the opposite. I know several couples who cut quite a few corners to make ends meet but they ALL have state-of-the-art fuck off 50" plasmascreen TV with home theatre sound systems and guess who buys that? The CD/DVD racks are also full with the latest stuf and there's usually a very nice car parked in the driveway (guess whose?).

omg i couldn't agree more! you're dead on A*O! dead- on!

[hotncmom]

Most men I have known that I would consider astute are also cheap as hell. A certain ex-boyfriend comes to mind. He's a partner in a law firm now and a millionaire, but I'm so glad I didn't end up with him, because he would take me to a nice restaurant and order a hamburger, and I always felt like I had to follow his lead.

But the majority of men I know are spendthrifts. And, that is way worse than a woman, because men will buy big ticket items. My husband has a TV that cost us $4300. He's got his eye on a $1400 DVD player now. WTF?

[A*O]

What is it about men and their fucking TV/sound systems? Is paying $10,000 REALLY going to look and sound 100% better than something that cost (a still ridiculous) $5,000? I don't think so.

[pacific breeze]

Originally Posted by A*O

I will always remember some wise words of advice I received from an aged aunt many, many years ago when she said that if a couple don't share the same philosophy about money and how to spend/save it then it's going to cause as much unhappiness and stress as cheating or violence, etc. I thought she was exaggerating but I now know she was absolutely right. And it's not just the irresponsible overspenders who cause a problem. My SIL is married to one of the most mean, tightarsed misers walking this earth (oh the stories I could tell). At the age of 60 she is forced to work the nightshift fulltime in a geriatric ward at the local hospital in order to earn enough money to pay the household bills because her husband will not give her a penny from his considerable fortune.

She needs to divorce him, then she'll get half. I HATE men/people like that. Either that, or just stop working and stop paying the bills. When the lights go out and the fridge is empty, he'll get the message. But I think she should leave.

[A*O]

^^^ Oh we've been trying to persuade her for YEARS. MrAO (her brother) has always had an Escape Plan ready and waiting for her but she seems to have some kind of martyr thing going on. She has 3 adult kids, all of whom have left home, so sticking around for their sakes isn't an excuse any more. I think the years of skimping and extreme frugality have just worn her down to the point where she doesn't have the energy to fight back. Also, despite the fact she's not particularly religious, she does take her marriage vows very seriously and really does believe it's her duty to stay with her asshole husband 'for better for worse, for richer for poorer'. Her husband's family are also stalwarts of the local community and if she did divorce him it would be the talk of the town and she won't risk the 'scandal'. We've invited her to come and visit here for a while but the asshole said he wasn't prepared to manage on his own without his domestic slave for a few weeks so that was that.