I need some help. Please?

darksithbunny · July 21st, 2006, 08:46 AM

My brother is getting married. I really like his bride. Very sweet girl. I did her invitations for her and come across a name that so upset me. It is my exhusband and his wife. I called her to ask her why. She said she knew it would upset me and told my brother so. He basically acted like it was really no big deal and that he would be friends with my ex no matter what. He said that because of our kids, he sees nothing wrong with inviting them.

I have tried to talk to my mother in the past how both her and my brother have included my exhusband in their life like nothing ever happened. Now my husband knows and he is very hurt. He feels that they have never accepted him or our children together and wants to boycott the wedding.

At first I told my future SIL that I would not attend. After thinking about it, I called her back and said I would be there. I don't want anyone to think I don't like her. It's her day. I will suck it up like I always do. Yes, my ex and his wife are coming. My daughter just told me today. I am beside myself, you guys. I feel so sad and sick. I feel like they would rather he be their family member than me. I have always been a good sister and daughter. I feel like there is no loyalty to me. Please, help me you guys. Now I feel like I have to make a choice between my husband and my mom and brother.

My husband now wants to move away. Quietly without a word. It doesn't help now that his mother is really not helping us. That's another story. But he is ripe to get the hell out. Help me.

sweetrebel · July 21st, 2006, 10:25 AM

Hate to hear you are going through this. How close is your family to your ex? Was it really necessary to invite him to the wedding? If they wanted to spend time with your ex and his wife, they could have gone to dinner or on a little trip or something.
IMO that smacks of rudeness...I admire you for 'sucking it up' but you shouldn't have to. You need to let them know that you will attend the wedding out of love and respect for your brother, but this needs to stop. Under no uncertain terms is this to happen again. Remind them that there is a reason he is your EX!!

southernbelle · July 21st, 2006, 10:41 AM

I agree with sweetrebel. I would be outraged. If it were me, I would also respectfully let my brother know that I expected him to ensure that the ex and his wife were seated nowhere near me at the reception and were not seated with family at the ceremony.

LynnieD · July 21st, 2006, 11:16 AM

Sorry dark! I can see why you would be upset....YOUR the relative here, not the ex and wife!
The unfortunate part here is, that I have seen this happen before--how the 'outlaws' seem to be preferred over the actual blood relations. And its maddening! WHY? I have tried to figure this out, and have not come up with a good answer. Here's some MAYBE'S for you: There may be some underlying resentment or hard feelings between your brother and you and he feels more comfortable w/your ex (as hard as that is to take). OR, maybe your bro doesn't agree w/how your divorce went down and somehow thinks your ex got the shaft or something? OR when it comes to inlaws, there isn't (sometimes) any 'competition' you know?? (does that make sense?)
Regardless, it sucks. I can completely see why you are having a hard time. And your husband too.
You have the right attitude though about the actual wedding/reception--its your brother and his wifes day--and hopefully everyone can be adults about it.
Sorry.....good luck!

KD · July 21st, 2006, 12:42 PM

Are they dear friends of theirs? Do they socialize with them? If so, just because they are no longer family doesn't mean they are no longer friends.

If not, then I would be furious, superpissed, but it is *their* wedding. Be the bigger person, which of course SUCKS, but be gracious. Good time to show the ex how wonderful your new family and life is. Sucess is the sweetest revenge. Oh, and dress to KILL! New hair do, manicure, pedicure. The works, petty, I realize but it would personally make me feel better about the odd situation.

Lobelia · July 21st, 2006, 01:22 PM

This is really a tough call. Very difficult. I have conflicting feelings.

1) Family should be loyal to each other (unless there are really bad circumstances) and weddings are big family events, so the feelings of family members should come first

2) The wedding is about the couple, and they should be able to have who they want in attendance, and people should grin & bear it

3) If I weren't on such good terms with my ex, it would ruin the wedding for me, and I would feel uncomfortable & distracted by his presence

4) I would feel like my feelings weren't worth consideration by my brother & that would really hurt

5) People become attached to in-laws, and those attachments don't instantly disappear after a divorce

Have I planted myself firmly on both sides of the fence enough?

Sorry that I am NO help whatsoever.

Grimmlok · July 21st, 2006, 04:42 PM

Why is your present husband even giving a flying fuck if the ex and his wife-tard are there?

He's letting THEM dictate what he does?

.... why?

Tell him to grow a pair and suck it up, go dance, and have a mahvellous time and drink all the champagne there is.

DirtyPool · July 21st, 2006, 05:01 PM

if the tension is really high i would respectfully bow out of going to the reception since the bride will be talking about you guys with her friends before the wedding saying "i hope they don't cause a scene or ruin my wedding day" and who needs that? maybe thats just me but a wedding should not have this type of tension. *that is my take on this if the tension is super high or if affairs were involved
now, if its just plain discomfort then girl, you better work all your assets. dress like a sophisticated hollywood starlet and get your hair done at a salon. have your nails done. be confident and glance at the new wife in a way that only an ex-wife can do. be mysterious to the ex- don't let him know any tension existed about this day. ignore and dismiss any family member that wasn't loyal to you regarding your divorce. you need to be in charge here even if you have to tell your husband to man up a little about being accepted. you don't need anyone's acceptance about your life.

A*O · July 21st, 2006, 05:09 PM

Oh God, wedding politics. I'm sorry and understand why you are upset but I don't think it's a case of your family 'choosing' your ex over you Darksith so they are not 'taking sides'. It's not like they've invited the ex and not you. Perhaps they are naively hoping that now you and your ex have moved on with your lives it's no biggie and you can both enjoy the day without any lingering animosity. They must have invited him for other reasons than to deliberately upset you, or at least I hope so. So long as they don't place you all on the same table you wouldn't even have to speak to your ex even if he is in the same room. They are being insensitive to your feelings for sure but I'm afraid that happens with weddings - nobody thinks about anything except themselves and 'their' day and it IS their day when all's said and done. Is your ex deffo going? Maybe he got an invite but will do the right thing and decline?

The best way to deal with this is to dress to kill, focus on making your brother's wedding a memorable and fabulous day, and show you are a gracious and mature woman who isn't going to allow other people's insanity (!) or insensitivity spoil a wonderful event by having wild sex with your husband on top of the wedding cake.

pacific breeze · July 21st, 2006, 05:11 PM

^^Ditto. Look hot, plaster a big smile on your face, hang all over your hubby and dance and drink as much bubbly as you can.

UndercoverGator · July 21st, 2006, 05:27 PM

I'm so sorry Dark. Everyone here has summed up what I would have said so I'm going to offer something else. I'm not far away and I could come and disrupt things a little bit for you there, crash the reception and drink all the booze and create a scene. Just let me know and I'll be happy to screw it all up.

KD · July 21st, 2006, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A*O

by having wild sex with your husband on top of the wedding cake.

I hate myself when I do this at weddings!

DeChayz · July 21st, 2006, 09:11 PM

Not seeing what the big drama is. You're married, he's married, obviously the past is the past and you've both moved on. Just cos you're at the same wedding doesn't mean you have to be BFFs and wine & dine together. So what if your family's still friends with your ex? Mine is. It doesn't mean they're choosing your old hubby over your new, cos obviously they've known your former over your latter. I agree with everyone else, eat the free food and double fist at the open bar. Who cares who's there, have a good time with the Mister...

Reptillycus · July 21st, 2006, 10:15 PM

Been in similar situations with my sister and my ex, it can be very awkward and painful...if you could shrug the pain and awkwardness Off your Shoulders, tell your husband that he's the One, and just go and have a good time celebrating the wedding, you may be able to put this into the trash where it belongs...Your ex can't hurt you anymore, he's "in another place".
You will believe this one day, until then, just pretend you are in a play when these situations come up, and you are being a character in the play. Pretty soon, it will be the real you, and the hurt will go away alot.

This is a hard one, Good Luck...

Weddings don't happen often, but if they wanted you to come over every month to play cards with them, well, that would be an entirely different matter

NawdleZouss · July 21st, 2006, 10:25 PM

I know how you feel, Darksith, and I'm sorry, this type of thing is always awful to have to go through. But if your brother wants to be an ass and invite your ex, well, not much you can do about it. Just look gorgeous, act happy, keep your head up, and in case you feel yourself getting upset at the wedding, use my all-purpose motto:

FUCK THAT

Seriously, it works for pretty much every situation.