Need Advice!!!

southernbelle · July 7th, 2006, 06:32 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together since Valentines Day. He pursued me and was clearly head over heels in love with me. All of his fraternity brothers and all of our mutual friends commented on how obvious it was that he was in love. He told me he had never felt this way about anyone. I honestly feel that he is perfect. I love him more than anything in the world.

He is 21, and I turn 21 in two weeks. His best friends are the guys he was best friends with in high school. They are all single. Recently he has been telling me that he thinks we need to spend less time with each other (we are together 24/7). I know that he feels like I hold him back from doing things with his friends. We agreed to do that, but never really did. Last night he shocked me with the news that he "doesn't know what he wants" and told me that he wants to be single so that he "doesn't have to worry about anything." I asked him if he was in love with me and he said, "I don't know." I asked what happened, because he used to be, and he said, "I used to think that I was."

I was blindsided. I asked him if there was another girl or if he wants to date other people. He said no. I asked him what kind of things he has to worry about in a relationship and he gave the example of not being able to get in his car whenever he feels like it and driving to spend the weekend with his friends (they live 3 hours away). I told him that he can still do that. I would much rather sacrifice spending as much time with him than lose him. He is always the one who says that we have to work through our problems instead of running away from them. I convinced him to stay together, and after his boys weekend, we will spend time together on Tuesday. I really want to make this work. I want to show him that I can give him more space and be the perfect girlfriend and I am terrified that he won't give us a chance. I also find it really hurtful that he says he's not sure if he ever was in love with me. I know that's not true.

I talked to one of his sister's friends who was known him for a long time and she told me that a) every one of his relationships has ended because of his friends, and b) none of them have lasted more than 6 months. We think that maybe when he starts to get serious with a girl, he freaks out and ends it, or his friends pressure him into ending it.

Their pack of friends is very close and they have a very strong loyalty to each other that I've never seen with any other guys. I think that for some reason he feels like he has to choose between me and his friends, and I want to show him that he doesn't. Or at least that I'm not the one making him choose. I love him, I support him no matter what he does, I would do anything for him. My parents love him and his love me. If, when we graduate, he's not able to find a job, my family would support him. I don't understand why he would be willing to throw this relationship away, because the only flaw is that we do spend too much time together, and that can be easily fixed. His sister died in November, and he has recently been showing signs of depression. His mother, friends, and I all agree that he is probably just starting to deal with the loss, and I am wondering if that may have something to do with his recent decision as well.

I will do ANYTHING to keep this boyfriend. Before he left for his vacation this weekend he told me that he would try to work this out with me, but he didn't sound convincing. I think he might have just been saying it so that he can enjoy his weekend and he plans to break the news to me when he gets back. I tried to call him after he dropped me off to tell him that I hope he has a great weekend and to remind him to be safe and he didn't answer or return my call. What do y'all think my next steps should be? What, if anything, should I say to him when he does contact me? I have decided not to contact him again until he makes the first move. I just really hope it is not too late.
Thanks for ANY advice!! sorry this is so long!

KD · July 7th, 2006, 07:11 PM

Well, for starters, DO NOT contact him, let him call you. Furthermore, show HIM that you have a life beyond him as well. Do you miss your friends? I am 35 and happily married but I can say that most women (not you per se) blow off their friends for a man and men seldom do for a woman. This starts in Jr High! I have done this myself!

If you are desperate (and who wouldn't be) DO NOT SHOW IT! Do not beg, do not grovel. I have done this before much to my shame. Let him loose if need be, I would bet $$$ he would be back soon.

Again, BE STRONG, do not call him no matter. Give us an update.

And this is fairly age appropriate behaviour for a 21 year old guy.

macabre · July 7th, 2006, 07:15 PM

leave him alone. Let him miss you and when he calls do not call back right away, let him sweat. Give him time to miss and appreciate you and when he doesn't have you ringing him back right away he will worry and be convinced he might have lost you for good.

southernbelle · July 7th, 2006, 07:19 PM

Thank you so much for the advice. I definitely do blow off my friends for him because there is no one else I'd rather spend time with, and it bothers me that he does the total opposite. I'm glad to know this is common behavior.

I hope that this weekend apart will make him appreciate me and not end up being more detrimental (showing him how "fun" the single life can be) than helpful!!

WhoAmI · July 7th, 2006, 07:50 PM

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I know you feel desperate and don't understand what has happened, but this is not an unusual story in the relationship world. I know it's hard to find some perspective here, but when you hear yourself say things like: "I will do ANYTHING to keep this boyfriend" you need to take a step back and think. I believe that he was (and still may be) in love with you, but that he's not feeling like he is now, probably due to reasons outside of your control. Maybe he needs time to deal with his sister's death on his own. It sounds like you are pressuring him for more than he can give you right now, no matter how kindly and lovingly you mean it. He needs space and he told you so. Give it to him. Trying to convince him to stay with you when he needs to deal with other things is just going to make him feel guilty and more depressed. I really feel for you, and know you're going to have a hellish weekend worrying about this, but do not call him. When he comes back, listen to what he has to say and let him do what he needs to do. If he needs to be on his own for a while, if you truly love him you'll let him. If he doesn't, he'll be happy to know you can give him space when he asks for it. At any rate, you'll be much more attractive to him if you don't seem desperate!

A*O · July 7th, 2006, 07:57 PM

^^ Good advice WhoAmI

Sorry, but I tend to shoot from the hip so here goes. From what you say it seems you are being too clingy and it scares blokes away quicker than anything. Example:

Quote:

I tried to call him after he dropped me off to tell him that I hope he has a great weekend and to remind him to be safe

. He already knows that and you could have said all that when you were with him! And what's all this talk about your family supporting him financially in the future?! Sounds like you have it all mapped out for him - no wonder he's freaking out. You may think you are giving him plenty of space to be with his friends but he clearly feels that you are forcing him to make the choice between Them and You now that you have made him the centre of your world and I can tell you that a 21yr old bloke will always pick his friends over a clingy girlfriend. Having an 'exclusive' romantic relationship does not mean shutting out everyone else in your social life, his or yours. My advice: Stop rushing things, relax, enjoy time together AND time apart, take each day as it comes instead of making all kinds of 'plans' for the future, let him breathe, don't phone him at the slightest excuse and whatever happens don't abandon your friends. If this relationship is 'meant to be' it will be, trust me.

Icepik · July 7th, 2006, 08:01 PM

^^^ WhoIam has given excellent advice

You have to let him go. Let him find out for himself what he wants and needs in his life.

If he comes back to you, then he loves you. You may have to prepare yourself for the fact that he may have out grown you.

LynnieD · July 7th, 2006, 08:24 PM

I agree, WhoAmI is on the ball here.

Let us know how it goes, but like everyone else has said, do not call him as hard as that might be. Let him have some time. Good luck!

Grimmlok · July 7th, 2006, 09:08 PM

Quote:

I will do ANYTHING to keep this boyfriend.

.... why? Define "anything".

Why do you NEED to have a boyfriend?

Lobelia · July 7th, 2006, 10:31 PM

I look back on my life, and I am solidly convinced that what these people are telling you is right - the more you cling, the more they squirm to escape. The more you are aloof, the more they are intrigued. However, the fact that these games might have to be played is proof of one thing: 21 is quite young, and many (most?) people are not ready for lifelong commitments at that age.

I also know this: the harder you try at this point, and the more you put yourself squarely in his line of vision when he's trying to look away, the more irritated he is likely to become. It's MUCH easier to leave someone when you're angry or totally annoyed, & people will often create conflict when they're feeling the urge to separate. So if you're willing to do anything, then back off & don't make demands. Time will tell.

And Grimm, maybe she doesn't need a boyfriend, but is crazy in love with this one.

DirtyPool · July 7th, 2006, 11:30 PM

If you want to be mature, follow all of the advice here. If you want to be immature, seduce one of his friends and show up at an event together and be as friendly and carefree as possible- it will burn him up. I suggest following the other advice.

southernbelle · July 7th, 2006, 11:59 PM

^^haha... it's not about needing a boyfriend, but I just really do love him and I thought I had found the perfect one.

KD · July 8th, 2006, 12:10 AM

And to quote lovely bones from the Jeff Goldblum thread "desperation is not a scent to which I am attracted." This could apply here, do not jeoparize your dignity. BTDT, much better to look back on this situation and not feel that you compromised your self respect.

olivia720 · July 8th, 2006, 03:14 AM

I noticed you have an engagement ring as your avatar. To me that says you're very preoccupied with this. Just an observation.

It's unlikely that he'll want to "settle down" at his age. Y'all are so young.

Let us know how it turns out.

JYsGirl · July 8th, 2006, 07:35 AM

Hey Southernbelle! I know I'm a newbie, but I have to agree with what everyone else has said. Don't contact him, let him reach out to you. However, do not sit by the phone waiting for his call. I know how difficult that may be. Look at this as an opportunity to find yourself again.