My Boyfriend is obsessed with threesomes

Laneena · February 15th, 2006, 11:54 AM

He's in his mid-thirties and ten years older than I am. About a year and a half ago before we became involved, I told him about having participated in them and didn't think much of it at the time. I was pretty sexually experimental from 19-23 and it's really no big deal to me and it's part of my past...things that I did and don't feel the urge to do again. I can understand where he's coming from, he's ten years older than me and he feels like he's missing out on this experience. Instinct tells me that he's probably feeling a bit insecure since I've done that and he's not. Common sense is telling me that he's a man and wants to watch me have sex with a hot girl, then have us both have sex with him (Duh). The main reason I don't want to give him that fantasy is that I think that I'll never feel the same way about him afterwards. I feel that the images of him being sexual with another woman will be ones that I'll never shake and essentially, kill my love. Ergh. or it's just not that serious. But is there anyone that can shed some insights to this?

P.s. Thank god I never told him about the orgies...

OCD · February 15th, 2006, 12:21 PM

Tell him if he wants to go get herpes to go on with his bad self.

Almost all normal couples break up when they introduce porn type senarios into their relationships. Your feelings already tell you he would become a man whore in your eyes if you did it.

Do you really want to lengthen the leash here?

Besides in my experience 3 somes never work the d!ck always gets in the way.

SVZ · February 15th, 2006, 12:31 PM

Tell him the only way you'd do it is with another man

Because you'd loooove to see him become the bottom in the relationship

pacific breeze · February 15th, 2006, 12:47 PM

^^Hehe. It's true. Rule #1: NEVER talk in detail about past sexual experiences no matter how tempting. It ALWAYS leads to trouble.

Rule #2: This is his problem, his fantasy, NOT yours. If he can't be happy with your relationship the way it is, then it's probably not going to last anyway.

Glasgow53 · February 15th, 2006, 12:48 PM

The only way I could ever have a threesome is if the third person was a man. My husband would probably love to have another woman in bed with us, but not me. Therefore, we are never going to have a threesome.

Grimmlok · February 15th, 2006, 12:57 PM

Maybe he's bored, but if it's something he wants to do he's either going to do it with you, or without you.

Make a choice.

Tenaj · February 15th, 2006, 01:03 PM

Quote:

P.s. Thank god I never told him about the orgies...

The way I see it is you are obviously not comfortable about doing the deed otherwise you wouldn't have needed reassuring. Anything that makes you uncomfortable with sex is something you shouldn't do. It doesn't matter that you have taken part in threesomes before. That was then and this is now. Two completely different scenarios. It sounds to me that you may be feeling you want this relationship to really go somewhere and in order for that to happen you don't want to taint it. Your past experience sounds as just carefree sex, no real feelings involved - am I right? And now your feelings are involved you don't want to ruin anything.

Anyway, to back up on myself, I don't think you should do something you are already doubting. Hope it sorts itself out

Laneena · February 15th, 2006, 01:33 PM

"Your past experience sounds as just carefree sex, no real feelings involved - am I right?"

You're absolutely right, there weren't feelings involved then but now things are different and I'm different. I told him how I felt last night, and he said that he would like to do it, but not at the cost of our relationship. Something tells me this wont be the end of subject. If it's not, I may have to clean break. Nothing is worth me feeling inadequate.

A*O · February 15th, 2006, 02:15 PM

I don't think you should feel threatened by his wish to fulfill a fantasy. For him I guarantee it's about the sex, not about you personally so there's no need to feel insecure. Couples who have always made 3somes part of their relationship are different to those 'curious' ones who give it a try later. Either way it usually ends in disaster. If my husband wanted a FFM 3some I couldn't do it because I'm not into girls AT ALL and it just wouldn't work. I'm good at faking a lot of things, but not that. I might consider a MMF one though......... Hypocritical, but true.

sweetrebel · February 15th, 2006, 02:38 PM

[quote=Laneena]The main reason I don't want to give him that fantasy is that I think that I'll never feel the same way about him afterwards. I feel that the images of him being sexual with another woman will be ones that I'll never shake and essentially, kill my love. Ergh. or it's just not that serious. But is there anyone that can shed some insights to this?

[quote]

This is the exact reason I could never do it. I refuse to see my man touch another woman. Plain and simple. I know people who have been very experimental and of the ones I know, it always causes problems later. One couple in particular started swinging and at first everything was wonderful-until she developed 'feelings' for one of the guy...not pretty.
I'm sure there are couples who things like this work out for, but if you have these feelings at the sheer mention of it, chances are it would not turn out very well.

*I could, however, be with another couple that I do not have any feelings for

*

Laneena · February 15th, 2006, 03:17 PM

"Does ANY part of you want to do this???"

I've been in ffm, mmf, and mfmfmf, and it's all been interesting, strange, erotic, crazy etc...and yes I enjoyed being with women. So to answer your question yes, a part of me does want to fulfill this fantasy for him. I'm just scared of what will happen afterward. In the morning, will I be able to look at him the same way, will he think of this a free pass to infidelity? If (And this is a big motherfucking if) I were to indulge him, these are all questions I 'd have to ask him obviously. But no matter how much you think you're prepared for the aftermath, you're never are.

**Tati** · February 15th, 2006, 03:27 PM

Maybe there are options that are similar but not so "My man is fucking another woman"-based. As Frank said, you being with another girl while he simply watches, or you two plus another couple in the same room, not interacting with the other, just being there, watching, listening, etc. (Yes, I've given this some thought...) Whatever you decide, though, don't do anything you're not 100% okay with. But if you're at least somewhat interested, maybe there is some middle ground. A lot of men's minds just go straight for "ffm threesome", and they don't even think about these other options, because they're less obvious. But they could be equally fulfilling, yet less threatening.

A*O · February 15th, 2006, 04:07 PM

I think this all boils down to the Male and Female attitude to sex. Women generally imbue sex with feelings, emotions, love, commitment blah blah. Men equate sex with, errrrrrr sex. They can detach themselves from the emotional stuff and are perfectly capable of having a shag in any number of combinations and then walking away with absolutely no guilt because it's only sex to them.

Voodoo Child · February 15th, 2006, 04:28 PM

Threesomes generally turn out wrong. Not always but a lot of times one of the three involved turn nasty or jealous etc. I don't recommend them but each to their own.

**Tati** · February 16th, 2006, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A*O

I think this all boils down to the Male and Female attitude to sex. Women generally imbue sex with feelings, emotions, love, commitment blah blah. Men equate sex with, errrrrrr sex. They can detach themselves from the emotional stuff and are perfectly capable of having a shag in any number of combinations and then walking away with absolutely no guilt because it's only sex to them.

Well, I've heard this a lot and given it some thought. Largely, I think you're right, but I think it's not always about that. I've never been cheated on per se, but was in a situation close to it, and it never once occurred to me to ask or assume or worry that he (this was an ex) had any feelings for the girl, any love or attachment, or was even really interested in being with her. I knew it wasn't about any of those things, and it still bothered and hurt me.

With my BF now, it's the same thing - the situation has never come up, but my mind does go there, and I've delved into it enough (and thought about the prior situation enough) to know pretty much exactly how I'd respond. For me, feelings and attachment would be a factor if indeed they were a factor for him. But if I knew otherwise, it would be just the physical act that would hurt/offend/destory me. The thought of him getting off with another girl, of being so attracted physically to someone else, even picturing the mundane physical details of sex - I wouldn't need to attach any significant meaning to it to be wrecked.

I'm not saying that's any better or anything - it's very much a jealousy thing, in fact. And I'm not even a jealous person, I have no problem with him having female friends or finding another girl pretty or interesting. But if it came down to a betrayal of any sort... well, believe me when I say that "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything" would do absolutely nothing to mitigate the hurt for me.