10 scary, gross, and horrifying things your flight attendant wonít tell you
10 scary, gross, and horrifying things your flight attendant won‚Äôt tell you
(© Tony Gentile) An Etihad flight attendant smiles as an Alitalia flight attendant (L) looks on
The last time you took you took a flight, you were probably worried about whether the plane was going to crash, right? Turns out, you should have been more freaked out by the coffee. You didnít drink it, did you? Oh wow. Sorry to be telling you this now, but you basically drank toilet water.
How do we know? Because we sat down with three flight attendants, all currently employed by two different major airlines, and asked them to share the dirty secrets that happen on every commercial flight. Obviously, we changed their names to protect their jobs. And weíre not naming the airlines. (Letís just say if youíve flown from New York to LA, the odds are pretty good that youíve flown on one of them.)
Prepare to have your airline innocence shattered. And remember, thereís always the bus!
Your Coffee Is Probably Decaf
Alison: Thereís no way anybody is getting caffeinated coffee. We donít need a flight full of fidgety passengers. We want you to sleep.
Brian: Quite a few flight attendants are pretty lazy about making separate decaf pots. I always did, but even the regular coffee only had half the normal caffeine. Actually, You Might Want to Avoid the Coffee Altogether
Brian: The water we use for the coffee is pretty gross. Itís pumped from a big tank, which I donít imagine gets cleaned very often, if at all.
Alison: We call it the ďgalley springs.Ē Itís basically the same water in the planeís holding tanks that they use for the toilets. As far as I know, the tanks have never been cleaned. Ever.
Nancy: Don't even ask for water. I used to fill the water bottles with galley springs and serve it to customers. Unless youíre in First Class, nobodyís getting real bottled water.
Youíre Sitting Near Body Organs
Alison: Most domestic flights have human organs on them. Not down below, up in the main cabin, with the carry-on bags.
Brian: Iíve had passengers with coolers containing transplant organs in the cabin. Pretty regularly, actually. I donít know what thatís about.
That Sleeping Passenger Next to You Might Be Dead
Brian: No one officially dies on a plane, because it would create too much red tape. Theyíre simply belted into their seat and covered with a blanket. Their seatmates have to sit next to a corpse for the remainder of the flight.
Alison: I had to do this once. Iím still traumatised by it. We told the other passengers he was drunk. It was insane! It was like Weekend at Bernieís!
Nancy: Even if thereís someone on board whoís authorised to provide a death certificate, we make sure nobody knows about it until weíve landed and all other passengers have deboarded the aircraft.
You Can Totally Text or Check Your Email During Takeoff or Landing
Brian: Iíve done it like a gazillion times.
Alison: Oh yeah, totally. Landing is the best time to check your email, because the passengers arenít trying to get your attention.
Sometimes They Fart in Front of You
Alison: We try to just target the jerks, but thatís tough. So thereís usually collateral damage.
Brian: Thereís a name for it, when a flight attendant walks down the aisle and slowly releases a soft, stinky fart throughout the cabin. We call it ďcrop dusting.Ē
They'll Mess With Your Food
Nancy: Hereís a motto Iíve heard a lot of FAs use: ďDonít get mad, get Visine.Ē
Alison: Never eat the dinner rolls. Never, ever, ever eat the dinner rolls.
Nancy: Iíve seen FAs wipe dinner rolls on lavatory seats. We call it the Pubic Sweater.
They Can Unlock the Lavatories from the Outside
Alison: Itís mostly a safety issue, in case somebody dies or gets hurt in there. Also, people are stupid.
Brian: One time some old lady couldnít figure out how to unlock it and started freaking out inside.
Alison: But itís mostly because of people thinking theyíre being sneaky and having sex in there. Trust me, weíre not letting you finish. When we hear someone humping in a lavatory, we might open the door just enough to put in our iPhones and take a few photos. That usually stops them.
Tipping Will Get You Extra
Alison: Nobody ever thinks to tip a flight attendant. We can make your flight experience so much better, if we want to.
Nancy: Free booze, hot cookies. That stuff isnít just for the First Class passengers.
It Also Helps To Be Super Hot
Brian: If youíve ever gotten free booze and you donít know why, itís probably because somebody in the fly crew thinks youíre bangable.
Nancy: Iíve done that. Iíve totally done that. Not slept with a passenger, just gave him perks because he was hot.
Alison: They tell you that dressing nice improves your chances of being upgraded to First Class, and I guess that doesnít hurt. But the best way to get upgraded from economy to First Class is to be really, really easy on the eyes.
*This fugly, broke, boring homebody is going to stick to staying on the ground at home