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Thread: 10 scary, gross, and horrifying things your flight attendant won’t tell you

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    Default 10 scary, gross, and horrifying things your flight attendant won’t tell you

    10 scary, gross, and horrifying things your flight attendant won’t tell you

    10 scary, gross, and horrifying things your flight attendant won’t tell you

    Men's Health
    30/09/2015



    (© Tony Gentile) An Etihad flight attendant smiles as an Alitalia flight attendant (L) looks on


    The last time you took you took a flight, you were probably worried about whether the plane was going to crash, right? Turns out, you should have been more freaked out by the coffee. You didn’t drink it, did you? Oh wow. Sorry to be telling you this now, but you basically drank toilet water.

    How do we know? Because we sat down with three flight attendants, all currently employed by two different major airlines, and asked them to share the dirty secrets that happen on every commercial flight. Obviously, we changed their names to protect their jobs. And we’re not naming the airlines. (Let’s just say if you’ve flown from New York to LA, the odds are pretty good that you’ve flown on one of them.)

    Prepare to have your airline innocence shattered. And remember, there’s always the bus!


    Your Coffee Is Probably Decaf

    Alison: There’s no way anybody is getting caffeinated coffee. We don’t need a flight full of fidgety passengers. We want you to sleep.

    Brian: Quite a few flight attendants are pretty lazy about making separate decaf pots. I always did, but even the regular coffee only had half the normal caffeine. Actually, You Might Want to Avoid the Coffee Altogether

    Brian: The water we use for the coffee is pretty gross. It’s pumped from a big tank, which I don’t imagine gets cleaned very often, if at all.

    Alison: We call it the “galley springs.” It’s basically the same water in the plane’s holding tanks that they use for the toilets. As far as I know, the tanks have never been cleaned. Ever.

    Nancy: Don't even ask for water. I used to fill the water bottles with galley springs and serve it to customers. Unless you’re in First Class, nobody’s getting real bottled water.


    You’re Sitting Near Body Organs

    Alison: Most domestic flights have human organs on them. Not down below, up in the main cabin, with the carry-on bags.

    Brian: I’ve had passengers with coolers containing transplant organs in the cabin. Pretty regularly, actually. I don’t know what that’s about.


    That Sleeping Passenger Next to You Might Be Dead

    Brian: No one officially dies on a plane, because it would create too much red tape. They’re simply belted into their seat and covered with a blanket. Their seatmates have to sit next to a corpse for the remainder of the flight.

    Alison: I had to do this once. I’m still traumatised by it. We told the other passengers he was drunk. It was insane! It was like Weekend at Bernie’s!

    Nancy: Even if there’s someone on board who’s authorised to provide a death certificate, we make sure nobody knows about it until we’ve landed and all other passengers have deboarded the aircraft.


    You Can Totally Text or Check Your Email During Takeoff or Landing

    Brian: I’ve done it like a gazillion times.

    Alison: Oh yeah, totally. Landing is the best time to check your email, because the passengers aren’t trying to get your attention.


    Sometimes They Fart in Front of You

    Alison: We try to just target the jerks, but that’s tough. So there’s usually collateral damage.

    Brian: There’s a name for it, when a flight attendant walks down the aisle and slowly releases a soft, stinky fart throughout the cabin. We call it “crop dusting.”


    They'll Mess With Your Food

    Nancy: Here’s a motto I’ve heard a lot of FAs use: “Don’t get mad, get Visine.”

    Alison: Never eat the dinner rolls. Never, ever, ever eat the dinner rolls.

    Nancy: I’ve seen FAs wipe dinner rolls on lavatory seats. We call it the Pubic Sweater.


    They Can Unlock the Lavatories from the Outside

    Alison: It’s mostly a safety issue, in case somebody dies or gets hurt in there. Also, people are stupid.

    Brian: One time some old lady couldn’t figure out how to unlock it and started freaking out inside.

    Alison: But it’s mostly because of people thinking they’re being sneaky and having sex in there. Trust me, we’re not letting you finish. When we hear someone humping in a lavatory, we might open the door just enough to put in our iPhones and take a few photos. That usually stops them.


    Tipping Will Get You Extra

    Alison: Nobody ever thinks to tip a flight attendant. We can make your flight experience so much better, if we want to.

    Nancy: Free booze, hot cookies. That stuff isn’t just for the First Class passengers.


    It Also Helps To Be Super Hot

    Brian: If you’ve ever gotten free booze and you don’t know why, it’s probably because somebody in the fly crew thinks you’re bangable.

    Nancy: I’ve done that. I’ve totally done that. Not slept with a passenger, just gave him perks because he was hot.

    Alison: They tell you that dressing nice improves your chances of being upgraded to First Class, and I guess that doesn’t hurt. But the best way to get upgraded from economy to First Class is to be really, really easy on the eyes.



    *This fugly, broke, boring homebody is going to stick to staying on the ground at home
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    As if I didn't hate flying enough.

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    Super Moderator NoDayButToday's Avatar
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    The tipping is totally and completely true. Doesn't even have to be money. Every time we fly, my husband and I bring a bag of candy with us. After we are seated we wait for a not as busy looking flight attendant to pass by and give them the bag of candy saying it's for all of them-they look confused at first and then we explain that we both work jobs where we interact with customers and know that it isn't always a joy and we hope it makes their day just a little better. We instantly become VIPs on EVERY flight. We have been given everything from simply free soda to free lunch to a whole bunch of free little liquor bottles (and we never ask for any of it) and they usually end up all coming by to chat with us and make sure everything is OK a few times throughout the flight. It's completely worth the $3 bag of candy to try and make up for the fact that people suck.

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    i had a fairly old male flight attendant once who seems to have developed a crush on me. i joked about how i would order my usual plane cocktail (whiskey and ginger ale) to go to sleep but couldn't this time because i had to go straight to a conference after the flight, and as we were landing he comes over and gives me an entire barf bag full of little whiskey bottles lol
    it was really sweet. he wasn't weird or skeevy about it, just kind of like a sweet grandpa. who clearly wanted me to get drunk.

    i've never heard of tipping flight attendants. wtf, america? other than elected officials, who the fuck am i NOT expected to tip in this country?

    re: free upgrades, it's fucking random. i'm sure super hot people get upgraded more often but i've been randomly upgraded several times for no discernible reason and it does seem to happen more often when you're traveling alone which makes me think sometimes it has more to do with the fact that two people in economy request to be seated together and there aren't any seats left so they pick someone who's traveling alone and has an empty seat next to them and upgrade them to business so they can free up two seats.
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    The last time I was upgraded, it was because I asked to be (there were "spare" first class seats and I jokingly asked if I could have one; I got it). Baileys and coffee the entire flight, and I asked for and received the rest of the hot cookies on my way out too. I was VERY nice to and chatted up the flight attendant; I wrote a note to Delta after my flight and complimented her.
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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    "You’re Sitting Near Body Organs

    Alison: Most domestic flights have human organs on them. Not down below, up in the main cabin, with the carry-on bags.

    Brian: I’ve had passengers with coolers containing transplant organs in the cabin. Pretty regularly, actually. I don’t know what that’s about."


    I've been seated next to a cooler. No big deal. It's going to save someone's life. Hardly scary, gross or horrifying.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member levitt's Avatar
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    Aren't you technically always sitting next to body organs?
    Ain't nothing wrong with Ohio wang! - MontanaMama

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Ha!

    ..and the cooler doesn't try to chat you up or steal the armrest.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    I tried to tip for a cocktail and I don't know if they couldn't take it?
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

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    I've never heard of tipping flight attendants, so I had to Google natch...and the Association of Flight Attendants says its members don't accept tips. I'm sure some individuals will take them, but it's probably frowned upon.


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    I've never been upgraded to first class and I'm totally bangable. That's bullshit, man.
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    Elite Member levitt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by louiswinthorpe111 View Post
    I've never been upgraded to first class and I'm totally bangable. That's bullshit, man.
    This! And I've traveled alone, wtf!
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    I got my rental car upgraded. I was on a business trip and was supposed to have like a little compact/subcompact. But there was this little guy at the rental desk who looked at me, leaned in and said, "You are supposed to have this car" and pointed at Nissan Sentra type cars. "But don't worry. I'll take care of you, I'll take care of you." Then, he gave me my keys. I walked to the space assigned to me and it was a Jeep Grand Cherokee. I'm guessing he didn't have his contacts in that night.

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    Super Moderator NoDayButToday's Avatar
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    That happened to us the last time we got a rental car. We had booked the little economy car that had good gas mileage and because my husband, even though he's 6'2", has never had trouble actually fitting into a mass market car-only little tiny luxury car foreign imports. I've driven a Mini Cooper for as long as I've known him and he even fits in that one just fine. When we got to the counter the woman behind it looked at him and said "oh man, you're never fitting into the car we gave you", a Nissan Versa Note, and gave us keys to a Dodge Charger instead. It was a nice upgrade for the week, but it also means he's probably going to always book the cheap car in hopes they upgrade him on the spot just because he's "too tall".

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    They do that upgrade thing to me every time. It pisses me off. I wanted the little one that uses less fuel, is more maneuverable and parks in tiny spots.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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