Texts from last night - Page 9

shedevilang · June 18th, 2009, 08:54 PM

LMAO no not that stalker it's a new one

nwgirl · June 19th, 2009, 01:29 AM

Quote:

(951): yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.

I just woke my husband up from choking from laughing so hard. He had to whack me on the back a couple times. Jesus these are funny! I would just sit around my house talking to myself all the time if I was half as funny as some of these people.

sparkly · June 19th, 2009, 04:35 AM

(601): i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

(651): After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive

(484): he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

(815): This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.

(310): I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.

(603): five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.

(631): Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?

(215): Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
(215): i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

(925): just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.

(905): She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
(416): Got yourself a keeper right there.

(509): I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
(1-509): talent.

(604): a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
(604): unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.

(919): It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth

(615): The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.

(313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

(317): I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.

(650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
(415): and she bought it?!?
(650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

(301): remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

(216): let's bang
(773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

(586): Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?

(314): this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

(952): i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.

Mel1973 · June 19th, 2009, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greysfang

So mel got a man and hasn't told us? Harrumph!

please! i gotz no secretz

Quote:

Originally Posted by shedevilang

No she hasn't he just stalks her lol.

yeah, what she said. but i let him so that's like encouragement for stalkers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greysfang

Its all your fault ang, you still have his jacket...that's bad juju.

in her defense, she's had that jacket for 15 years or so....

Quote:

Originally Posted by shedevilang

LMAO no not that stalker it's a new one

yes, I like to switch them out every few years whether I need to or not.

shedevilang · June 19th, 2009, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel1973

please! i gotz no secretz

in her defense, she's had that jacket for 15 years or so....

.

God we are getting old

greysfang · June 19th, 2009, 10:56 AM

Getting?

shedevilang · June 19th, 2009, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greysfang

Getting?

Don't make me cut you

Mel1973 · June 19th, 2009, 12:07 PM

I say cut her!

greysfang · June 19th, 2009, 12:24 PM

You'll have to catch me first.

Mel1973 · June 19th, 2009, 01:18 PM

you ain't never seen her throw a knife....

shedevilang · June 19th, 2009, 02:52 PM

And I am looking at Piggy's samuri sword right now(why the fuck does he have one of these)

greysfang · June 19th, 2009, 04:21 PM

Because in his dreams his dick is long, sharp, shiny and Asian.

Mel1973 · June 22nd, 2009, 11:49 AM

(919): i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
(617): he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.

(203): can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?

(610): Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

(504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

(508): ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
wow, nobody's ever explained it quite so logically....

(805): My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

(513): I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.

(434): I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

(765): Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
(1-765): The power was out.

(310): Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.

(850): come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.

(714): I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

(859): Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
(1-859): And?

(936): what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

(702): just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?

(762): Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

(205): what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

(732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

(337): i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
full of win

Mel1973 · June 22nd, 2009, 12:19 PM

(850): We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.

(404): Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
(706): Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

(631): Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
tahahahaha

(231): so then she threw up in his asshole
(1-231): yep..that'll do it.
how, in god's name, does something like that happen???

(802): you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I fucking love mariokart!! and I totally can see this!

(801): i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.

(412): Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

(954): He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
(954): Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.

(574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
(574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

(253): The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls

(617): but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this one makes me mad because I still miss my earrings ... too bad he wasn't worth a second fuck to retrieve them

sputnik · June 22nd, 2009, 12:42 PM

Quote:

(314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
(818): Punch her baby.

(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

(951): yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.

(313): So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

(303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

(610): Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

(805): My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

(714): I need hand sanitizer and jesus.