Texts from last night - Page 8

shedevilang · June 11th, 2009, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel1973

(732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Shedevil, I'd like to hire you to do this at my funeral... unless I outlive you and then I'll do the same for you

It's a given

Mel1973 · June 11th, 2009, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shedevilang

It's a given

I'll be sending an approved script containing phrases such as "Why GOD, WHY".....

shedevilang · June 11th, 2009, 02:08 PM

*snort I can just see that speech lol

Sassiness · June 11th, 2009, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel1973

(212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

That's awesome... and so like some of my clients....

Penny Lane · June 11th, 2009, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel1973

(804): the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
(1-804): i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
PennY????

.. True story.. I have done that.

Mel1973 · June 15th, 2009, 12:42 PM

(804): I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

(617): to do: lose virginity to hamster dance

(626): Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

(410): This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca

(770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
(770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

(603): could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
(1-603): you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

(917): i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

(918): i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Shit, you should see the way people are sometime listed in my phone...

(717): apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes

(479): New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.

(848): life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.

(503): I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

(561): At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
(915): Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

(201): just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.

(314): sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.

(508): he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg

(610): thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
(217): well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

(334): I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
(205): Win!

(404): i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before

(314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
(818): Punch her baby.

(225): he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?

(304): this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

(951): yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.

(313): mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz

(210): Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
(1-210): I'll teach you how to wipe better

(313): So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

(727): My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

(407): Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

(773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

(902): So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
(416): Apparently you chose the latter.

(509): I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker

Mel1973 · June 15th, 2009, 12:59 PM

(760): Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing. .

(518): He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.

(303): if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head

(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

(916): come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

(303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

(301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
(203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

Mondays are great on that damn site... suddenly I feel less whorish for the ones I sent out Thursday night in a drunken stupor...

Grimmlok · June 15th, 2009, 01:38 PM

Quote:

(314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
(818): Punch her baby.

*howls*

greysfang · June 15th, 2009, 01:44 PM

970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

OMFG!!!!

shedevilang · June 15th, 2009, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel1973

(

Mondays are great on that damn site... suddenly I feel less whorish for the ones I sent out Thursday night in a drunken stupor...

I didn't realize you were drunk damn you sounded sober

Mel1973 · June 18th, 2009, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shedevilang

I didn't realize you were drunk damn you sounded sober

Hey, I'm a professional! I had about 8 beer and an Ambien CR.... he and I discussed the "incident" - turns out we were both drunk, I told him never to mention the "incident" again. all is well.... although, he is looking at about 6 acres of land within a mile of my house now. this is the second time he's moved nearer to me....