Texts from last night

[L1049]

(604): I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.

(604): Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.



The sad thing is, knowing some of the people I know, these could easily belong to them.

[Beeyotch]

(321): You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

Not true! Ho's want relationships too!

[HelpMeRhonda]

(269): So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

[Mel1973]

(212): Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.

(708): Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

(919): Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?

(646): So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
somebody please make that one a siggy..

(610): He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
(484): A better fuck for starters.

(707): I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
(951): That's the thing about women.

(901): I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.

(314): I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
(1-314): How did that happen by accident?
(314): I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.

(702): I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
another one that makes me think of alice..

(862): 5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
(973): children are so perceptive these days... and horny
what the hell is DTF???

(614): You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.

(602): Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

(502): I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
(1-502): Welcome to every minute of my life.

(804): the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
(1-804): i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
PennY????

[Laxmobster]

^ Urban Dictionary says DTF means "Down to Fuck"

[Karistiona]

Ahhhhh a world of wrong!!

(603): Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
(1-603): The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

[NicoleWasHere]

(312): office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death

Damn.

[sputnik]

this thread while drinking tea = bad idea.

[levitt]

I absolutely love this site! OMG, lol, I wish I knew some of these people

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(503): what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?

(352): I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
(352): Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

[Mel1973]

(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

(203): There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
(860): Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

(253): My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.

(917): i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.

(719): I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.

(571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

(847): Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.

(203): my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

(408): booty call
(925): i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

(206): She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
(360): At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats

(506): drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure

(901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
(601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
(901): ...are you coming on to me?

[shedevilang]

(405): So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
(1-405): Oh.My.God.


(510): I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hahahahahahahaha

(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dad? haha

510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
someone send this one to Jayla

(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

[sputnik]

she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant is my new favourite insult.

[Mel1973]

(510): I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hahahahahahahaha

oh God, my first thought was: Drumstick - the ice cream or a chicken leg? I wonder which I'd eat out of the garbage first....

[Mel1973]

(502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
(973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.

(678): What are you drinking?
(404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

(403): are you so shy because you have an std?

(503): Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
(360): im coming over.
(360) might be my married friend who thinks hes in love with me. this is exactly the kind of shit he'd say.

(917): Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
(914): That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian

(402): Chicken burrito, or no deal.
(1-402): Is that code for my vagina?
(402): Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

(732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Shedevil, I'd like to hire you to do this at my funeral... unless I outlive you and then I'll do the same for you

[Mel1973]

(209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
(1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do?
(209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

(347): tell your sister to shave her snatch

(850): So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.

(801): just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.

(248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.

(401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.

(810): i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
(1-810): nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

(775): My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.

(815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

(269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.

(281): I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.

(603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
(508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

(212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.