Texts from last night - Page 6

Sassiness · May 25th, 2009, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shedevilang

how the hell are you laughing silently dude i'm crying over here lol

I almost spat water on the file I'm working on, I'm laughing (silently) so hard that I'm crying and I can't crack up audibly because I'm at work.

I love this site but can't read anymore without being caught not doing work!

GreenEyedFairy · May 26th, 2009, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sputnik

(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

(586): I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
(586): I thought that was really considerate

**

(602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
(623): What did she do!?
(602): I didn't tell her...

**

Penny Lane · May 26th, 2009, 01:12 PM

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

(402): I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable

sputnik · May 27th, 2009, 12:39 AM

(602): 69 |D_O
(1-602): wtf does that mean??
(602): it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

(608): I think my vagina is haunted

(972): i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.

(330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

(630): I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
(317): Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
(630): Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

(254): I am coming home for anal
(254): * a nap*

(808): no, he came in my armpit

(757): he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.

(828): All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.

(518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

(816): Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.

(212): that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment

Karistiona · May 27th, 2009, 05:59 PM

eeeeeeeee can't breathe!!!

(310): just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
(310):now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
(310):whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

sputnik · May 27th, 2009, 06:00 PM

(303): I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book

(253): i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.

(412): Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

Karistiona · May 27th, 2009, 06:49 PM

(412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

(205): at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.

I swear I've sent this one:
(727): wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo
(727): ooooooooooooo i'm drink

or some variation of "I'm drink, can't feel my nose/teeth, I love you so much wooooo drink ok Britney just came on going to dance, am sexy woman, woooo!" lol I'm such a loser.

sparkly · May 28th, 2009, 12:00 AM

(315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
(607): what a beautiful fairy tale

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

(773): is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
(773): it's more of a rinse.

(970): Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

(216): dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
(814): so im guessing thats a no.....

(618): how was the sex?
(1-618): he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
(618): well, there's that.

(292): i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.

(908): her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

Mel1973 · May 28th, 2009, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenEyedFairy

(586): I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
(586): I thought that was really considerate

**

(602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
(623): What did she do!?
(602): I didn't tell her...

**

some of these kill me. no time to talk but I can text you... because I'm spanking the monkey... I'm so using that on my sister in law next time she calls!

NicoleWasHere · May 29th, 2009, 01:22 AM

(802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

(510): he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.

(617): Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

(502): I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol

(715): Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

(908): im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis

(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

(585): Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

(410): So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.

(908): so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?

(618): how was the sex?
(1-618): he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
(618): well, there's that.

(603): Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
(1-603): that's awkward

(763): i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

(292): i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.

My abdomeeeeeeeen!!!!!!

Mel1973 · June 2nd, 2009, 01:01 PM

(678): apparently farting at a cop is considered assault
I have to tell my brothers!
(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
(661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
(831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
me too, that bitch!
(816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
werd...
(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
ashamed that I know what that is...
(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?
these guys are funny
(413): that girl last night was a 15
(1-413): wait she was 15?
(413): no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I saw this on tv last night (How I Met Your Mother)
(970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
asshole
(210): stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
(281): Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
showcase showdown!!!
(774): if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

MontanaMama · June 2nd, 2009, 03:07 PM

Oh holy hell, funniest shit evah!! Thank you thank you thank you to whoever uncovered this!

Mel1973 · June 3rd, 2009, 01:21 PM

I think I found Alice:
(401): You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.

sparkly · June 3rd, 2009, 05:40 PM

(610): Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

(847): dude, osama threatened the US again
(1-847): dude. i slept with your sister last night
(847): what?
(1-847) I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

(847): My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
(1-847): How unfortunate for your Mom.

(321): You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

(740): Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.

(832): Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
(281): I love Texas.

(850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
(407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

(919): There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

(717): I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

(540): just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

greysfang · June 3rd, 2009, 11:35 PM

(425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

(860): Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.

(650): There's a really hott man at the office meeting and then I found out he is 40 and married with kids. But that's ok because he makes me sweat. Mmmm
(650): Omg here he comes!! (adjusting the girls and batting my eyelashes) omg!! he seems like a good man yet one who would rape, pillage, and own in the sack.
(407): He's old enough to be your father...
(650): Omg he just leaned over my desk and is blatantly flirting with me, I would soooo do this man
(407): Lol i'm telling everyone
(650): Nooo that's mortifying, people will think I like dusty dicks.

(260): Are you dead
(1-260): Yes
(260): Oh man
(1-260): Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

(315): So after we hook up we're like cuddling and I smell him and he smells like tanning booth
(1-315): Ewwwwwwwww, he didn't shower
(315): He doesn't like to shower
(315): Now I have a yeast infection from his tanning juices
(1-315): Is he from jersey?

(269): butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
(734): Thanks?

(810): I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
(810): Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this

(248): yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss