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Thread: Texts from last night

  1. #61
    Elite Member Annika's Avatar
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    (313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

    LMAO!

    anyone ever use their phone to see in the dark? to find their phone? i seriously thought i had some mental wasting disease when i realized it was in my hand the whole time, opened yet.

  2. #62
    Elite Member FierceKiten's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annika View Post
    anyone ever use their phone to see in the dark? to find their phone? i seriously thought i had some mental wasting disease when i realized it was in my hand the whole time, opened yet.
    Ha! Ive done that so many times it's not even funny. The brain just doesnt come to it's senses quick enough.

  3. #63
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Oh shit, people are starting to look at me funny. I'm sitting here (in a cubicle now) shaking & crying in fits of semi-silent laughter...
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  4. #64
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shedevilang View Post
    (214): Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.(Mel was that you)
    oh & no that was not me - I still have my horsey and those buttons were "oh so gently" undone... plus you know I have a "t-shirts when in the vicinity of sex" policy!


    oh Shedevil, I found this one & thought of us:
    (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
    (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
    (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
    Last edited by Mel1973; May 19th, 2009 at 11:54 AM.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  5. #65
    Elite Member HelpMeRhonda's Avatar
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    (917): I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
    (740): enter at your own risk


    (931): Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
    'High, High. Yaw Both High and Smokin' Weeeed in Front of My Howse"
    Bah-Brahhh-Teen Mom

  6. #66
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    oh & no that was not me - I still have my horsey and those buttons were "oh so gently" undone... plus you know I have a "t-shirts when in the vicinity of sex" policy!


    oh Shedevil, I found this one & thought of us:
    (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
    (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
    (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
    Holy hell that does sound like us
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  7. #67
    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    can't. stop. laughing


    (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

    (917): My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

    (248): I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?

    (+93): dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this

    (269): I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.

    (602): Goodnight sugar queer
    (480): Sugar queer??
    (602): Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

    (518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

    (226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

    (214): in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
    (469): Pride?
    (214): thats a pack of cougars
    (469): go fuck yourself

    (386): That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
    (954): Apparently hers is a theme park.

    (323): Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

    (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
    (1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...

    (850): it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

    (509): went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

    (614): The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

    (302): i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
    (1-302): you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.

    (413): I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on

    (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
    (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian


    (310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
    Last edited by sputnik; May 23rd, 2009 at 08:04 PM.
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

  8. #68
    Elite Member levitt's Avatar
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    LOL @ the masturbating to Twilight one, wtf
    Ain't nothing wrong with Ohio wang! - MontanaMama

  9. #69
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    Mel, Hell it's not a family reunion if this doesn't happen?

    (678): well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list


    (801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
    hahahahaha


    (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
    (now i'm curious)



    (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

    (813): This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  10. #70
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    323): You got in a fight last night?
    (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
    (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  11. #71
    Elite Member NicoleWasHere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sputnik View Post

    can't. stop. laughing


    (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

    (917): My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

    (248): I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?

    (+93): dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this

    (269): I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.

    (602): Goodnight sugar queer
    (480): Sugar queer??
    (602): Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

    (518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

    (226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

    (214): in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
    (469): Pride?
    (214): thats a pack of cougars
    (469): go fuck yourself

    (386): That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
    (954): Apparently hers is a theme park.

    (323): Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

    (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
    (1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...

    (850): it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

    (509): went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

    (614): The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

    (302): i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
    (1-302): you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.

    (413): I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on

    (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
    (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian


    (310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

    THIS ENTIRE POST!!!!!!

  12. #72
    Elite Member AllieCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shedevilang View Post
    323): You got in a fight last night?
    (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
    (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?


    I Fucking LOVE that site!!!!
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  13. #73
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    my husband things i'm insane because I was laughing so hard at this shit, and when I would read it to him he was like I don't get it
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  14. #74
    fgg
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    Elite Member fgg's Avatar
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    i read 20 pages on the site last night - love it!

  15. #75
    Elite Member NicoleWasHere's Avatar
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    (503): Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now


    WTF?

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