Texts from last night

[sputnik]

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

[levitt]

(210): READY
(1-210) for what?
(210) TO HAVE SEXXXX
(1-210) i think you have the wrong number

[shedevilang]

(214): Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.(Mel was that you)

[NicoleWasHere]

(801): see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
(1-801): wait.... you do what?
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(508): my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.

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(908): im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs

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(734): I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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(478): Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
(706): Try anal, it works wonders.

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(207): Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

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(901): After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?

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(478): wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

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(845): I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred. <----(LMFAO)

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(203): I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
(203): needless to say I left

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(970): I want to walk on stilts...naked

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(216): bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
(440): isn't bella the cat???
(216): that she is

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(612): im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me

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(914): I faked an abortion last night. <---(WTF O.O)

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(415): mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

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(603): I puked a lego.

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... I love this fucking website.... !!!!!!

[greysfang]

(978): i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened



(850): come over anyways, right now, right this second
(850): it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
(561): wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation


I love this site.


(316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.



I think this one is going to be my new siggie:

(202): if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think

[vtucker23]

"Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low." lmao!!!

[shedevilang]

rofl I saw that and said the same thing new siggie

[shedevilang]

(330): How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

(541): so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested

(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

(630): Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.

(860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
(860): fuckk wrong person
(1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout?


oh god this site is killing me

[Penny Lane]

(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

901): After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?

(630): My bed smells like naked
(414): Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes

(604): Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

(703): maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
(859): i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

For Grimm.. lol...
(203): I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
(860): oh sweet, sweet irony

(732): fuck the hobbit
(301): what about unicorns?
(732): fuck those pointy horses

(812): Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.

(312): Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

(301): Bea Arthur died yesterday
(240): You shut your stupid mouth
(301): Betty White is next, I just know it.
(240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

[shedevilang]

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.


(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...


(410): You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.


(617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises (Someone knows ALICE)

[Penny Lane]

I seriously love this site.. WHY did I have to discover it the week of final exams.. I'm sitting here in the library laughing silently to myself instead of STUDYING!!!

[shedevilang]

how the hell are you laughing silently dude i'm crying over here lol

[HelpMeRhonda]

(860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
(860): fuckk wrong person
(1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout?


651): Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.


(914): No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.

[Penny Lane]

how the hell are you laughing silently dude i'm crying over here lol

Once in a while I let out a huge laugh... thank god I'm not sitting on a silent study floor lol.. I would have been kicked out already.

[shedevilang]

317): Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.



(856): My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?


(602): i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...