Texts from last night

[MsChiff]

(808):

I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.


(440):

I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again


(757):

Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.


(248):

No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.


(913):

I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

LMFAO

(728):

We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.


(908):

I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows


(309):

My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends


(802):

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.


(630):

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

(512):

I can dry shave vagina like a champ


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(612):

Do you know how to give stiches?
(1-612):

I do not...this text concerns me


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(214):

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.


(325):

It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.

(850):

Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.

(303):

Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.

(828):

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

whorenado - lol

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(778):

I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
(1-778):

You fool.

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(850):

Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."

(423):

This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?


(215):

When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up

(770):

I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily


(509):

Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.

(508):

Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher

(586):

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

(760):

I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?


(724):

Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?


(978):

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

[OrangeSlice]

(757):

Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.

Now THAT is a kickass signature.

(850):

Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.

Yes. Yes you are.

(586):

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

Judgemental bitch. Who among us...

[Karistiona]

Ahhh I forgot how brilliant this site is!!

(714): I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?

(712): I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.

(774): You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"

(61): You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.

(604): Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.

(919): These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.

(856): It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.

(303): I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.

(315): Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back. I can totally sympathise with this one, I love a good beard!

(202): You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.

(607): I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?

(402): Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.

(478): It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"

(678): You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

[OrangeSlice]

Hmm.. I want to hear more about those cherries soaked in moonshine.

[Karistiona]

They sound amazing right?

[SHELLEE]

Hmm.. I want to hear more about those cherries soaked in moonshine.

I've had them before.

They sound amazing right?

They are!

[Mel1973]

Yes, I was gonna say "you can get that shit at any liquor store around here"...

[MsChiff]

(604): Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
(607): I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?

[OrangeSlice]

Hells yes they have them at the ABC store down the road!!!! Gotta go check them out soon.

Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine Cherries:North Carolina ABC Commission

[shedevilang]

we used to make them with everclear and yes they are the fucking bombdiggity

[Tati]

^ Ooh, pretty packaging too! They could go right in the pantry! (errr, on a high shelf in the pantry...)