Texts from last night

**nancydrew** · May 11th, 2009, 03:12 PM

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

My fave so far.

**sputnik** · May 11th, 2009, 03:47 PM

some of these people sound like they'd be hilarious to hang out with.

**FierceKiten** · May 11th, 2009, 03:57 PM

Too fricken funny!!

**january** · May 11th, 2009, 05:41 PM

Oh man I just about bust a gut laughing at these, I had to share it on Facebook. These are hilarious!!!

**Penny Lane** · May 11th, 2009, 05:43 PM

Yea, these are pretty funny... I think we're all guilty of sending out texts whilst under the influence and then looking at your sent messages the next day like "WTF?!"

**Penny Lane** · May 11th, 2009, 06:21 PM

"(305): Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that."

"(201): now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone"

"(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you."

"(651): Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward."

"(239): I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby..."

"(909): grandma shit on top of the toilet"

"(507): I want your puppy
(507): I meant pussy
(612): I would rather you take my puppy"

"(619): dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face"

"(425): Hi
(805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now"

"(313): so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal..."

"(651): dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression."

"(269): Pants 0. Shit 1."

"(917): I think I just saw someone hide a body."

I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying.

**nancydrew** · May 11th, 2009, 07:19 PM

This is for Grimm:

(513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

**shedevilang** · May 11th, 2009, 07:26 PM

hahahahaha

**msdeb** · May 11th, 2009, 07:34 PM

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

for Jayla!!!

**sparkly** · May 12th, 2009, 01:23 AM

850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

These sound like my kind of people.

(305): Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.

(818): Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
(714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
(818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

(517): he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
(231): better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.

(405): Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her

(401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
(616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
(401): wait... oh

(401): The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance

(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

(513): K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.

**Penny Lane** · May 12th, 2009, 12:57 PM

I freaking love this site!

(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

(321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

(617): I would do horrible things to your vagina.
(978): Prove it.

(650): one two three fourrrrnication!

(818): people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

(917): I cockslap morals

(631): all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.

(925): im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy

This is funny for personal reasons... LOL..

(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

**sputnik** · May 12th, 2009, 01:28 PM

(704): so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low

**shedevilang** · May 12th, 2009, 01:30 PM

(918): Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

**HelpMeRhonda** · May 12th, 2009, 01:34 PM

"(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info."

**shedevilang** · May 12th, 2009, 02:35 PM

(402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

(781): I'm home now. bring me food and boobies (piggy? i swear i got that same text from him)

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.