Texts from last night

[MontanaMama]

(516): I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.

(615): one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars

(303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
(putting aside the fact that no one should compare anything found in her vag with butter, this made me howl)


(217): Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.



(225): Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess

(530): i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry

(301): i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...

[MsChiff]

penis enthusiast

(718): You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
(917): No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

(225): Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess

[Mel1973]

(662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

(847): I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.

(303): I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
(720): Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
(303): But what if I pay for the gas?

(951): she faked being pregnant for 2 months? so does that mean she didn't drink for 2 months? cuz that would be awful
(760): thats what you are concerned about? that she couldn't drink?

(306): So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
(1-306): Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

[Mel1973]

(626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

(202): i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

(720): he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
(708): she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

(860): You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Harry Potter nerds are amused! *yeah, I'm one*

(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

(720): I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Am I the only one confused by this?

(252): I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dear God, NOOOOOOOOOOOO

(256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

(850): best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
(845): Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had no idea people still used the term "Party Foul"...

(845): beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
(573): Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
(573): I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.

(203): trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me

(407): i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

(315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

(215): I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.

(740): the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

(330): Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

[MsChiff]

lmao: (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

(I don't think those two were suppose to go together, were they? jesus and the panda) Jesus one is hilarious!

[Mel1973]

ok - you caught me. I fixed it!

[MsChiff]

(that was for calling me a liar)

[MontanaMama]

Best text eva...

(971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

[Karistiona]

Originally Posted by Mel1973

(720): I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Am I the only one confused by this?

Sexual Harassment Panda is from South Park

[Mel1973]

(513): He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

(850): Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.

(860): i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

(309): "Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

(647): after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me

(862): so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?


(734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
(810): You're 20.
(734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR!


(419): You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....

(810): Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.

(209): I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life

(510): i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

(330): So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol


(334): Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama

(734): I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
(734): omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore

(315): well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her


(732): the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.


(407): We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.

[Mel1973]

(619): went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

(781): Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
(617): Umm..who the fuck is this?
(781): Oh shit


(540): did you hook up at the wedding?
(1-540): No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.

(207): hows the new call of duty?
(1-207): I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

(716): I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

[Mel1973]

(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

(504): I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

(860): do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

(303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
(510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

(267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

(916): You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

[Mel1973]

(705): Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

(506): porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

(201): I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.

(240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
(443): So glad I found your sister.

(410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

(847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

(901): guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

(214): You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

[MsChiff]

(267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

LOL the sad part is, it would make millions!!!!!!

[Abbey Normal]

Originally Posted by MsChiff

(267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

LOL the sad part is, it would make millions!!!!!!

Yes, but everyone would forget where it was located in the mall and just end up in the food court anyway.