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Thread: Texts from last night

  1. #241
    Elite Member DeChayz's Avatar
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    (412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
    I am SO getting this tattooed on me

  2. #242
    Elite Member Moongirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeChayz View Post
    I am SO getting this tattooed on me
    Will it be tattooed on your big tits?

  3. #243
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (847): I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days

    (251): There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.

    (623): listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
    (202): Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

    (402): who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
    (610): Is it because I queefed?
    (409): so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

    (770): Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

    (432): From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

    (717): can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

    (847): I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?

    (856): Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad

    (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

    (949): You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
    thanks to the bastards here at GR, I'm not sure if this is an insult or not!

    (563): why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.

    (608): the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy <3's balls" is written in sharpie across my forehead
    (910): when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
    I hope this one went to her therapist.... and seriously, Alice - what have I told you??!!!

    (516): then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"

    (858): Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  4. #244
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (207): Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

    (270): Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

    (440): I just did the classiest thing ever.
    (216): last time you said that you got chlamydia.

    (703): I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single

    (669): sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall

    (225): Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

    (913): No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands

    (303): I don't like the word whore. I prefer the term penis enthusiast

    (575): How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

    (810): so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
    (734): what about the blowjobs for adderall?
    (810): no those are still okay

    (719): never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.

    (617): So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

    (541): I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

    (516): ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
    (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

    (803): You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke
    (845): This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
    (403): worst lay ever....
    (780): as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
    (403): ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement

    (210): I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...

    (952): Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

    (201): Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
    (503): My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
    Last edited by Mel1973; October 6th, 2009 at 02:18 PM. Reason: to add more ..
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  5. #245
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
    I'd like to dedicate that one to Grim....

    (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

    (203): It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
    WTF does that even mean?

    (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything

    (206): Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
    (703): Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
    (925): He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

    (803): you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?

    (908): Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.

    (310): my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  6. #246
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (864): I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
    I may need some sort of explanation for this....

    (831): I puked off the balcony.
    (1-831): Not horrible
    (831): Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

    (514): I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
    Not sure what this means either.... he isn't saying he's jacking off at work - is he???

    (978): he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
    WTF does THAT mean?

    I need to text more, I guess
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  7. #247
    Elite Member gas_chick's Avatar
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    I can answer the Easter basket one. Remember that fake ass grass that goes in the bottom of the basket that comes in all sorts of fun colors? The other ones I haven't a clue.

  8. #248
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (770): should I fuck that poor girl
    (1-770): no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion

    (256): I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.

    (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
    (1-404): Two?
    (404): Two.

    (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

    (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

    (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
    (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
    (216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
    (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

    (217): How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
    so sad

    (602): Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

    (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
    (703): this can't be going anywhere good
    (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

    (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
    (514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
    (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever
    I can vouch for that!

    (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

    (813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
    (1-813): You motherfucker
    (813): She's next.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  9. #249
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
    (443): wasted?
    (410): im pocohantasssss

    (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

    (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
    (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

    (508): I'm so horny!
    (781): I'm so hungry
    (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
    (781): For your pussy...
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  10. #250
    Elite Member L1049's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
    I'd like to dedicate that one to Grim....
    The sad thing is that when I read that one on the site, I immediately thought of Grimm.

  11. #251
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  12. #252

  13. #253
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (352): dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

    (724): I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
    (724): I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.

    (256): 'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

    (803): Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
    (678): better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory holethis one's for Penny

    (201): I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
    (318): I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.

    (850): OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
    Replies (7) Good Night (58) Bad Night (599) Order T-Shirt
    Please notice the "Order T-shirt" option now kids - seriously may go back and order the "I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me" T-shirt....

    (918): I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.

    (903): u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
    (214): Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

    (619): well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen

    (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
    Sorry to edit but I have to
    (713): As if that pedo's in heaven!

    (818): Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  14. #254

  15. #255
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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