(678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style
(231): I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
(906): so you're not coming in to work today?
(850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
(904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
(850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
(434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
(1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.