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Thread: Texts from last night

  1. #196
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    I know! I totally want to go grab a bunch of Burger King apps and drop them on all my coworkers desks...
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  2. #197
    Elite Member Karistiona's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grimmlok View Post
    what, can you taste stuff through your vag or something?
    No, silly, but that's gonna sting like a mofo. Whatever you might think, it's delicate down there!
    I smile because I have no idea what's going on

  3. #198
    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greysfang View Post
    (518): I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

    Alice?
    ha ha

    I can't stand to drive over those strips for a second!!
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

  4. #199
    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    (321): I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
    (239): He could rock you to sleep

    (734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
    (231): the cocktail of hope

    (407): I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

    (805): I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.

    (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me

    (937): I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay



    (951): I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to

    (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

  5. #200
    Silver Member eobane's Avatar
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    (870): You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

  6. #201
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    ^^Effie
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  7. #202
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (318): I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me

    (703): I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.

    (651): she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

    (703): Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

    (540): so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

    (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
    (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
    (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  8. #203
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Folks, it is just FULL of WIN today!


    (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

    (515): Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

    (410): I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

    (732): really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back

    (906): I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

    (650): i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

    (847): So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

    (570): Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?

    (978): guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...

    (662): Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

    (214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

    (905): 9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.

    (212): I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.

    (559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

    (408): Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

    (215): She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
    (540): Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

    (864): he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
    (404): i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
    (864): She does have a great personality.
    (1-864): Yeah, in her vagina.


    (503): can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?

    (650): just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
    (949): dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

    (630): True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen

    (774): What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

    (404): look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

    (610): So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?

    (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

    (845): I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
    (845): Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
    (651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

    (215): two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
    (1-215): ill bring the camera dont start without me
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  9. #204
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    BWAAAAKHHH the airplane one made me think of Grim
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  10. #205
    Elite Member HelpMeRhonda's Avatar
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    Talking

    (515): John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
    (1-515): As in blowjob or cannibalism?
    (515): I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
    'High, High. Yaw Both High and Smokin' Weeeed in Front of My Howse"
    Bah-Brahhh-Teen Mom

  11. #206
    Elite Member Karistiona's Avatar
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    omg hahaha

    (616): She acts like you when your on meds
    (510): She acts like batman?

    (916): I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

    (276): Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck

    (858): I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

    This is the funniest site ever.
    I smile because I have no idea what's going on

  12. #207
    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    (310): I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..

    (224): She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on

    (404): I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

    (561): he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

  13. #208
    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    Oh god, ha ha
    (+26): Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

    (814): Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

  14. #209
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (405): There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

    (614): He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

    (306): how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

    (719): so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked

    (501): so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....

    (859): I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever

    480): just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
    (1-480): i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
    (480): k i'll be over in 5.

    (480): I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

    619): reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
    (1-619): sounds legit

    (973): my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

    (440): Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman

    (903): I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
    (214): It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

    (315): Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

    (713): You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
    (954): Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

    (410): she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  15. #210
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
    (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.


    (361): I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
    (1-361): Def the best call fo sho
    (361): That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.


    (405): do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
    (405): or abortion recommendation cards.


    (606): His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
    (1-606): You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

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