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Thread: Texts from last night

  1. #151
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
    (253): Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.

    (949): After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(

    (520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
    that should be on a fucking Tshirt!!!

    (360): She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.

    (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

    (509): Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
    (253): was*
    (509): True, R.I.P.
    (541): He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

    (202): i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

    (812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

    (905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
    *vomits*

    (405): I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

    (530): Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  2. #152
    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    (905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
    WTF
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

  3. #153
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grimmlok View Post
    WTF
    I can't help you with that. I'm almost as likely to find out as you are.... jesus, I can't even type out a hypothetical guess because it's so disgusting!
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  4. #154
    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    ugh

    reminds me of a friend who went to bork a guy in the ass, but said that spreading his cheeks was "like peeling apart a peanut butter sandwich"

    needless to say, slight vomit happened and no sex was had..
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

  5. #155
    Silver Member shoegal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grimmlok View Post
    ugh

    reminds me of a friend who went to bork a guy in the ass, but said that spreading his cheeks was "like peeling apart a peanut butter sandwich"

    needless to say, slight vomit happened and no sex was had..

    Mmm, TASTY!

  6. #156
    Elite Member NicoleWasHere's Avatar
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    (607): whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
    (1-607) King Triton

    (773): Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich

    (509): This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.

    (720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
    (303): I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.


    (857): So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
    (617): And why did you do that?
    (857): Tequila

    (574): pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.

    (619): i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs LMFAO

    (815): i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.

    (908): I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.

    (719): I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work

    (908): i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

    (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

    (813): hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.

    (386): Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm

    (503): I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
    (503): I am not joking.

    (509): I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

    (612): I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.

    (616): this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan


    Good stuff

  7. #157
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (204): this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
    (1-204): you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

    (248): I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
    ew ew ew

    (412): It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

    (215): omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
    so THAT'S how you know you've had enough to drink...

    (209): He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

    (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
    Now, that's some funny shit!

    (416): The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.

    (916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
    (1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

    (816): normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

    (+44): Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  8. #158
    Elite Member nancydrew's Avatar
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    That site fucking completes me.
    (276): Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
    OK, I can't sing, I can't act, I'm dumb, I'm a hillbilly, but I can twerk, so whatever.-Miley Cyrus

  9. #159
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (917): yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
    Hello Jersey Girls!!

    (501): My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.

    (954): I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
    I may need this guy to do some analysis work....

    (206): Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  10. #160
    Elite Member Beeyotch's Avatar
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    (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
    I really like this one, it really tickles me!

  11. #161
    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    OMG.. this has been so fun... I love this: (415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

    Thank you, this is the best!!!
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

  12. #162
    Elite Member MontanaMama's Avatar
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    (810): Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
    (1-810): Thanks dad.

    (410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

    (516): whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

    (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
    (1-602): you mean pants?

    (402): giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
    **sounds like good advice**

    **and nothing says classy like..."
    (480): so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
    If i hear one more personal attack, i will type while drunk, then you can cry! - Bugdoll
    (716): I'd call her a cunt, but she doesn't seem to have the depth or warmth
    Quote Originally Posted by shedevilang View Post
    (Replying to MontanaMama) This is some of the smartest shit I ever read

  13. #163
    Elite Member FierceKiten's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MontanaMama View Post
    (410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
    Fucking Hilarious!

  14. #164
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    (513): I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.

    (804): I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.

    (201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

    (610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

    (503): It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.

    (503): the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.

    (313): her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

    (646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
    (1-646): what. the. fuck.

    (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
    (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

    (559): you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you .

    (610): So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better

    (+44): Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
    come on, people!

    (681): Where are I am going home with Ryan
    (601): I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it

    (720): It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
    (920): You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  15. #165
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
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    (405): Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore

    hey it is true sometimes

    (502): so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...


    (631): Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.

    Mel lmao remind you of anything
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

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