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Thread: Man attempts to pay bill with spider drawing

  1. #31
    Elite Member sprynkles's Avatar
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    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Pets in the building
    Dear Helen,
    Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Pets in the building
    Hello David
    I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    Dear Helen,
    Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    Dear Helen,
    No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    Hello David
    You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    Dear Helen,
    They are very small ducks.
    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    Dear Helen,
    The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
    David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
    Helen

    "The Ducks Are Not Mine": David Thorne (The Seven Legged Spider Drawer) Is Back At It - Geekologie

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  2. #32
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    From: GOD
    Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Word of God

    DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.

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  3. #33
    Elite Member KrisNine's Avatar
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    I love this guy!! He actually gives me belly laughs every time I read his blog!! He's even made me laugh so hard that I cry!

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