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Thread: Man attempts to pay bill with spider drawing

  1. #16
    Elite Member january's Avatar
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    Thats hilarious!
    Women ain't gonna let a thing like sense fuck up their argument. - Chris Rock

  2. #17
    Elite Member KandyKorn's Avatar
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    This had me giggling for days!!
    I'm not quite drunk enough to really care, but is this her violation of her violation of her violation of her violation of probation or her violation of her violation of her violation of her probation????? ~MontanaMama on LL's latest arrest.

  3. #18
    Elite Member Mariesoleil's Avatar
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    "Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."

  4. #19
    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    So funny!!!!!! It's amazing what some people do.
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

  5. #20
    Elite Member Serendipity's Avatar
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    I found the website for the guy who wrote this email. Go Away
    Some of these others are even funnier than this one. Here's two of my favourites so far:

    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Logo Design

    Hello David,


    I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

    Simon
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,


    Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

    Regards, David.



    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,


    You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

    I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

    Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

    Regards, David.


    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,


    So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

    When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.

    If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas. I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering.

    Regards, David.
    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design




    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,


    Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

    Regards, David
    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    What the fuck is your point?
    Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design


    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Do not ever email me again.
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.


    Regards, David
    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Get fucked.
    ____________________________

    From: Margaret Bennett
    Date: Friday 22 August 2009 3.40pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: computer room

    Hello David


    I tried to call you but your phone is off. Just letting you know that Seb bought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the school computers which is against the school rules and he has been banned from using the computer room for the rest of the term.


    Sincerely, Margaret
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 25 August 2009 9.16am
    To: Margaret Bennett
    Subject: Re: computer room

    Dear Maggie,


    Thankyou for your email. I am not answering my mobile phone at the moment as I am experiencing iPhone envy and every second spent using my Nokia is like being trapped in a loveless marriage. Where you stay together for the kids. And the kids all have iPhones.

    I was not aware that my offspring taking software to school was in breach of school rules. Although the game is strategic and public domain, not to mention that it was I who copied and gave it to him, I agree that banning him from access to the computers at school is an appropriate punishment. Especially considering his enthusiasm for the subject.

    Also, though physical discipline is not longer administered in the public school system, it would probably be appropriate in this instance if nobody is watching. I know from experience that he can take a punch.


    Regards, David.
    From: Margaret Bennett
    Date: Tuesday 26 August 2009 10.37am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: computer room

    David


    We would never strike a student and whether the software is pirated or not is not the issue. He denied having the drive which means he knew he shouldn't have it here then it was found in his bag so I feel the punishment is suitable.


    Margaret
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 26 August 2009 11.04am
    To: Margaret Bennett
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: computer room

    Dear Maggie,


    Yes, I agree. Education and access to the tools necessary for such should always come secondary to discipline. When I was young, discipline was an accepted part of each school day. Once, when I coloured outside the lines, I was forced to stand in the playground with a sign around my neck that read 'non-conformist' while the other children pelted me with rubble from the recently torched school library. Apparently a copy of Biggles had been found behind a filing cabinet.

    Another time, because I desperately wanted a Battlestar Galactica jacket like Apollo in the television series, using brown house paint from the shed at home, I painted my denim jacket and used Araldite to attach brass door hinges as clasps. Feeling that it was an excellent representation and despite the oil based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting in Mrs Bowman's English class, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the principal for damaging school property. My punishment was to scrape wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after hours. It took several weeks and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mr Wrigley. During class, when the teacher was not looking, we would pass each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real Battlestar Galactica jackets.


    Also, if you happen to see Seb eating anything over the next few weeks, please remove the food from him immediately. He forgot to feed his turtle last week and I feel a month without food will help him understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.


    Regards, David.
    From: Margaret Bennett
    Date: Tuesday 26 August 2009 4.10pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

    David


    I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your email to the principal as per school policy.


    Margaret
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Wednesday 27 August 2009 11.18am
    To: Margaret Bennett
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

    Dear Maggie,


    Rest assured I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration and have found, since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with froot loops, I am able to move small objects with my mind.

    Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side so he should be alright. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.


    Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible so I would appreciate you not filling his head with these fanciful notions.


    Regards, David.
    From: Margaret Bennett
    Date: Wednesday 27 August 2009 2.05pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

    David


    I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the principal about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Seb knew this rule.


    Margaret
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Wednesday 27 August 2009 2.17pm
    To: Margaret Bennett
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

    Dear Maggie,


    I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.

    Just this week I found a Sue Townsend novel in Seb's bag that I do not believe is on the school approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the school yard though as we attended a community book burning last night. Although one lady tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding Mayan codices and the Alexandrian Libraries, I mentioned to the High Magus that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow's milk sour and the mob took care of the rest.


    Regards, David.
    From: Margaret Bennett
    Date: Thursday 28 August 2009 11.56am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

    David,

    I have spoken to the principal and in this instance we will lift the ban.


    Margaret
    It's like you ate too much crazy then puked it all over a post and hit submit - Nancydrew

  6. #21
    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    Oh man, those pie charts slayed me lol
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

  7. #22
    A*O
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    This guy is a nutter/genius and VERY funny. Plus, I want his babies.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
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    Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.

  8. #23
    Elite Member HWBL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by A*O View Post
    This guy is a nutter/genius and VERY funny. Plus, I want his babies.
    Agreed, but he does seem to have a lot of time on his hands.
    Warren Beatty: actor, director, writer, producer.

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  9. #24
    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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  10. #25
    Elite Member Sylkyn's Avatar
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    I have been sitting here about to explode from holding in laughter (I'm at work). This guy is a scream.

  11. #26
    Elite Member Voodoo Child's Avatar
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    Roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    So basically this guy makes his living by being a pain in the ass and publishing the results? I'm so jealous.

  13. #28
    A*O
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    He's at it again

    The blogger behind the infamous 'spider drawing' letter, David Thorne, was still going strong, until today it seems. His latest target was the South Australian police force, who made the mistake of telling him to remove something from his website. In typical fashion, Thorne used the threat to create a hilarious exchange of emails.

    Thorne had posted a satirical article inviting people to take part in an 'investment scheme' which would involve him purchasing drugs and selling them at a profit. The South Australian police were not amused and demanded he take down the webpage.




    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8.12pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Censorship

    Dear Mike,
    Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs. I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.
    Regards, David.

    ***********

    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.27am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Censorship

    David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offence under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.
    Yours sincerely, Michael Harding

    *************
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.44am
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject:Re: Re: Censorship

    Dear Michael,
    Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.
    While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a moustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbour's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat hair. Dragged to my neighbour's house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the 25th century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.
    I have been considering sitting the police exam again as protecting the community from burglars, murderers and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self defence and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.
    Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball and a three to one ratio of chlorine & brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collar bone from the kickback and two inch hole through two plaster walls then a television set brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.

    Regards, David.

    *************
    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2.09pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    David, this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article and I'll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously but I can assure you that we do.
    Yours sincerely, Michael Harding

    ***************
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3.18pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    Dear Michael,
    I do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your request by 5pm tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare room as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And wolves. It is a fairly large job as one of the backpackers is American and will therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus side, the other is from England which obviously means no dental records.
    I could hire one of those mini bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out for a game of 'best digger gets food this week'. I am sick of hearing "I want my parents" and "Please don't lock me in the spare room again, it smells funny" but many hands, no matter how small, make light work.
    Also, I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several years acting experience convincing co-workers that I am listening and care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.

    Regards, David.

    *************
    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10.26am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    I suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested to do rather than writing about dead backpackers.

    *************
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.02pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    Dear Mike,

    My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen the insurance company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every eleven months as it saves having to pay for an annual service.
    I do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly. There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots and bags of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is ok to have up to three hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I wrong. As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle and sometimes I pretend I am a baby monkey. Due to the 24 hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this month is nearly four thousand dollars but I have an awesome tan.
    In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?
    Regards, David.

    **************
    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.31pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    It isn't legal to grow even one plant which I'm sure you already know. Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalised but still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest that you do so.

    *************
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.17pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    Dear Mike,

    5pm eastern standard time or ours?

    Regards, David.

    ***************
    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.41pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    Ours. I've had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes act of 2006 to have the website shut down.

    ***************
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.59pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

    Done.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
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  14. #29
    Elite Member HWBL's Avatar
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    ^The guy's got issues but also the funniest sense of humor I've witnessed in
    a long time. (and like I mentioned before, he also seems to have way too
    much time on his hands).
    Warren Beatty: actor, director, writer, producer.

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  15. #30
    Elite Member Serendipity's Avatar
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    And again. This guy is pure brilliance!
    ____________________________

    Darryl. The kind of friend Jesus would have.

    While preaching is not allowed in Australian public schools, it is apparently fine to replace school counsellors with 'Christian Volunteers' such as Darryl. A few years ago, the government realised that they could hand over school counselling roles to a willing Christian church without having to pay for the privilege. Now almost half of Australian public schools have a Christian volunteer as a full time member of the school community with parents having no direct control of how much their children are exposed to. Although usually an advocate of people being entitled to their opinions, sexual preferences and beliefs, I seem to have developed some form of mental glitch that makes me want to punch Daryl's fat head.

    ____________________


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Permission Slip

    Dear Darryl, I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.As I trust my offspring's ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination process on the proviso that all references to 'Jesus' are replaced with the term 'Purportedly Magic Jew.'
    Regards, David.
    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Permission Slip

    Hello David The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns. Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Dear Darryl, Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things. I was actually in a Bible based play once and played the role of 'Annoyed about having to do this.' My scene involved offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus then standing between 'I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho' and 'I don't feel very well'. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhoea causing 'I don't feel very well' to vomit onto the back of Mary's head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticised for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry. Regards, David.


    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2.52pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Hello David
    While it would be a pity for Seb to miss out on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, if you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the box that says I do not give my child permission to attend.
    Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5.09pm
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Dear Darryl,I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo, and was at home playing Playstation.Someone probably should have asked "So the rock has been moved and he's gone... has anyone checked his house?" I realise Playstation was not around in those days but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said "Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick, if not, then and only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the son of God." If we accept though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a Playstation. Probably a Playstation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. God would probably have said to him, "I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this but seeing as you have been good... just don't tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto." Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be ok due to the fact that he can only die if he gets his head chopped off? Regards, David.
    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10.13am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.23pm
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Dear Darryl, You raise a valid point and I appreciate you pointing out my failings as a parent. Practising a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practising a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learnt a lot from Mr Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well making it hard for the other person to hold you down. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn't believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again.When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretence of free chips, we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colourful coat and a lot of looking upwards. Due to the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colourful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.
    Regards, David. From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.47pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Hello David I don't see what any of that has to do with this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.
    Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3.36pm
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    Dear Darryl,


    I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child's education. I will assume then that you will also be organising a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescion, galaxy and planetary formation and eventually life?Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behaviour of Saturn's moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together, tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister moons, the multi-billionfold moonlets of Saturn’s rings, Saturn’s gravitational field, companion planets, the variability’s of Sol, stars, galaxy, neighbouring galaxies... or possibly not, according to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.
    Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds, due to the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysic propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing 'facts that cease to exist when they are ignored' tray.
    Regards, David.
    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9.22am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

    I'm not going to waste any more precious time replying to your stupid emails. If you don't want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the permission slip.
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11.04am
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip


    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: No Subject

    I will pray for you.
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: No Subject

    Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.
    Regards, David.
    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9.20am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

    I've had enough of your nonsense. Dont email me again.
    From: GOD
    Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Word of God

    DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.
    From: Darryl Robinson
    Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.35pm
    To: GOD Cc: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Word of God

    I'm serious.
    From: GOD
    Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.48pm
    To: Darryl Robinson
    Subject: Re: Re: Word of God

    OK.
    It's like you ate too much crazy then puked it all over a post and hit submit - Nancydrew

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