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Thread: FMYLIFE.com

  1. #16
    Elite Member Laxmobster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grimmlok View Post
    A pearl necklace is a slang term referring to a sexual act in which a man ejaculates semen on or near the neck, chest or breast of another person. It can be done following mammary intercourse or oral sex. The result is said by some to look like a necklace of pearls because of the stringy translucent white clumps of semen that are deposited there.[2]
    Mammary Intercourse!
    Quote Originally Posted by Celestial View Post
    I also choose to believe the rumors because I am, when it is all said and done, a dirty gossip.

  2. #17
    Elite Member Penny Lane's Avatar
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    Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomache hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and proceeded to take a huge dump. Turns out I chose the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

    Today, an old girlfriend from years ago wanted to have lunch. Seeing as I had nothing to do, I went with her. She introduced me to her son. Apparently I am the father. My son is 6. FML


    Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML


    Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML


    Today, while working my cash register a man who was 6’3” came in dressed really nice and ordered. After he ordered I asked why he was dressed so nice he responded ”I’m going to court for stalking pretty girls like you”. Our nametags have full names. FML


    Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

  3. #18
    Elite Member MrsMarsters's Avatar
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    "Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML"

    Well she should have replied, "At least you will be dead soon--BITCH."

  4. #19
    Elite Member MsDark's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetie View Post
    "Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML"


    That is SO funny!

    Thanks for posting, Penny!
    It's too bad you don't want kids. Cause I can picture you being a crazy old broad who would say anything to her grandkids. Old people like this are great fun.
    My Posts Have Won Awards. Can Any Of You Claim The Same? -ur_next_ex

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  5. #20
    Bronze Member michaelchance's Avatar
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    "Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidententally called her Spock. FML"


  6. #21
    Elite Member MsDark's Avatar
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    This one cracked me up. I'm evil, I know.


    Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
    My Posts Have Won Awards. Can Any Of You Claim The Same? -ur_next_ex

    "I don't have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay". ~George Carlin

  7. #22
    Elite Member Penny Lane's Avatar
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    ^ LOL! That's horrible.

  8. #23
    Elite Member Palermo's Avatar
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    I look at this site every day, it's hilarious

  9. #24
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Penny Lane View Post
    Today, an old girlfriend from years ago wanted to have lunch. Seeing as I had nothing to do, I went with her. She introduced me to her son. Apparently I am the father. My son is 6. FML
    That's really fucking shitty!

    Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
    The girlfriend should be writing in....


    Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML
    That's actually a good one!
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(•_•)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  10. #25
    Elite Member Sweetie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsDark View Post
    It's too bad you don't want kids. Cause I can picture you being a crazy old broad who would say anything to her grandkids. Old people like this are great fun.
    True, very true!

    Quote Originally Posted by MrsDark View Post
    This one cracked me up. I'm evil, I know.


    Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
    OMG, you are evil. And you thought I was bad.

  11. #26
    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Ah Penny - this site is our dinner time ritual. My daughter and her friends have been reading it daily for months now. Now while I am making dinner my daughter sits at the counter and reads these out loud to me.

  12. #27
    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
    HAHAHAHAH


    Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
    OMFG LOLOL
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

  13. #28
    Elite Member Trixie's Avatar
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    ^^ Ewwwwwwwwwww....
    These people don't give a fuck about YOU or us. It's a message board, for Christ's sake. ~ mrs.v ~
    ~"Fuck off! Aim higher! Get a life! Get away from me!" ~the lovely and talented Miss Julia Roberts~



  14. #29
    Elite Member Penny Lane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sluce View Post
    Ah Penny - this site is our dinner time ritual. My daughter and her friends have been reading it daily for months now. Now while I am making dinner my daughter sits at the counter and reads these out loud to me.
    How funny, I sent some of them to my mom and she's hooked too.. while I'm in class she'll text me the ones she finds particularly funny from work

  15. #30

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