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Thread: Massachusetts girls soccer coach resigns over hilarious but possibly insane email

  1. #1
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Default Massachusetts girls soccer coach resigns over hilarious but possibly insane email

    If George Patton had coached a girls soccer team, he probably would have run things this way; only without so many references to red meat. Meet Michael Kinahan, ex-coach of the Scituate, Mass. Green Death.
    Kinahan resigned as the coach of the 6- and 7-year-old girls team (not pictured) before the season even started, due to a hilarious and possibly insane email sent to parents as a way to introduce himself. Rather than try to explain it, let's get right to the fun. This portion of the letter is aimed at the sideline behavior of the parents, and is possibly my favorite part:
    It is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.
    Other excerpts (keep in mind this team is comprised of 6- and 7-year-old girls):

    OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me.

    I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
    America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.
    Who's with me? Go Green Death!
    Hilarity did not ensue. From Kinahan's resignation letter:

    Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.

    And finally, from the Quincy Patriot Ledger mailbag:
    Spectacular.... too bad these girls will have their coach replaced by some Starbucks sipping, land rover driving parent with no love and/or knowledge of the game. But on the bright side, everyone will get a trophy and there will be oranges for all during timeouts. I'd let my daughter play for this man in a heartbeat. johnny_moore 2 hours ago
    I think judge smails said it best; 'The man's a menace!' undacovabrotha 4 hours ago
    Scituate "Green Death" Soccer Coach Resigns [Patriot Ledger]
    Read More: youth sports, Youth soccer coach resigns after sending insane letter to parents, Youth Soccer, parents gone wild, Top


    It's funny 'cause it's true.... some shit you just can't make up... and the comments that followed!!

    The White Boom Boom
    2:42 PM on Tue Mar 31 2009

    Green Death as a team name stomps my grade school team name of the Lasers so hard it hurts 25 years later.
    /old

    ClueHeywood
    2:42 PM on Tue Mar 31 2009


    A shame. Those candy-ass faggots on Team 4 would've never known what hit 'em.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

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    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    This Guy For President.
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

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    If anyone here has children playing soccer, than you have to get this guy's humor. I take my kid to play soccer because when he was 3 he told me he wanted to be a soccer player. We have no ambitions of being the next Beckham. We have ambitions of him not putting the ball under his jersey and to resist hanging from the goal frame during a game. You wouldn't believe some of the psycho parents out there and some of the, long time coaches. As my husband puts it, "they're here to play SOCCER" and I just tell him to shut up because she's right behind us and she frightens me, lol.

    Although I gotta say, "Green Death" is much cooler than "Meerkats" and "Hobbits".
    Snooky Wookums, prepare for the invasion!

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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    at least he's involved! my daughters softball coach cant or wont throw the ball because she has perfectly manicured nails. she cant swing a bat to save her life, and cancels a game if she thinks the team is going to lose. and forget about any sort of contact. Thats why my daughter is now taking guitar lessons. I'd take that coach and his strange email any day.
    Basic rule of Gossip Rocks: Don't be a dick.Tati
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    Elite Member KandyKorn's Avatar
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    I love his sense of humor. I actually found what he had to say very refreshing. Fortunately, when my kids were in soccer they had a great coach.
    I hate the idea of 'everybody gets a trophy at the end of the season because we are all winners' bullshit. Damnit, I EARNED all of my trophies because I worked hard and sometimes I actually won! I didn't get a trophy for just showing up or losing. That's not the way the world works and the sooner we quit coddling little Johnny and Mary, the better. Christ, we are raising a nation of fuckin wimps with serious entitlement issues.

    Rant over. Kthxbye.
    I'm not quite drunk enough to really care, but is this her violation of her violation of her violation of her violation of probation or her violation of her violation of her violation of her probation????? ~MontanaMama on LL's latest arrest.

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    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    fuck, when i played soccer and we won we didn't even get a trophy THEN

    all we got was a "thanks for playing, come back next year"

    I was pissed and i demanded i be bought a toy immediately.

    Which I was. It was a GI Joe. I fucking earned that shit yo.
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

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    Elite Member KandyKorn's Avatar
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    ^^Oh hell yeah, I'd keep that GI Joe on display!!
    I'm not quite drunk enough to really care, but is this her violation of her violation of her violation of her violation of probation or her violation of her violation of her violation of her probation????? ~MontanaMama on LL's latest arrest.

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    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    i heart the coach.
    those parents are retards.
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

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    Elite Member january's Avatar
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    That email was hilarious! Seriously, no sense of humor - why can't these people take an obvious joke. I don't get why they went over his head, either, if you weren't tuned into his sarcasm, why not take it up with him directly?

    And I know that it was tongue-in-cheek, but I do agree somewhat about the competition aspect of the game. That doesn't mean that sportsmanship should be thrown out the window, but we really do coddle kids too much these days.
    Women ain't gonna let a thing like sense fuck up their argument. - Chris Rock

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    Elite Member Moongirl's Avatar
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    I read a news story about this (I think on MSNBC) and supposedly there were a few girl who did not want to referee anymore because this coach allegedly yelled at them so much he made them cry...

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    Silver Member missjuicy's Avatar
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    amazing, my kind of coach....i was raised like a hard ass! i played basketball for one of the toughest coaches in nj and this is sooo true yet funny...but 6 and 7 yr olds..damn

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    Elite Member sparkly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moongirl View Post
    I read a news story about this (I think on MSNBC) and supposedly there were a few girl who did not want to referee anymore because this coach allegedly yelled at them so much he made them cry...
    BFD. Most 6 year old girls cry at the drop of a hat.
    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

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    Elite Member Folieadeux's Avatar
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    Sounds like a Scieno haha
    ssabmud

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    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparkly View Post
    BFD. Most 6 year old girls cry at the drop of a hat.
    It's cause they are PUSSIES!!!
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(_)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

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    Elite Member Daphne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparkly View Post
    BFD. Most 6 year old girls cry at the drop of a hat.
    It was the referees who were crying, not the 6 year old players. They're probably teenage girls who get 20 dollars a game to deal with asshole coaches and parents.

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